This is my first post. My son is 10 and newly diagnosed ( 2nd may) for just over a year now my son's violence has got worse. It's now a regular occurrence weeks it's every day. We have tried everything and i am lost. He has started attacking his teachers aswell (he's in mainstream). My partner has 2 days off a week and they are when my son's at school i am left with my daughter who is 10 months and him the rest of the week which is when he is at his worst. I feel scared of being left with him. Everything is a weapon. Am i wrong to be scared of my 10 year old my family say it's stupid. What do i do?!
Unless your family has someone with ASD in their home do not listen to them! People think they know what it’s like and try to be helpful by saying things and giving advice. They haven’t got a clue.
You mentioned he’s 10 so secondary school. Probably something stressing him out. A lot changes towards end of term too. Perhaps talk to school. Mention his behaviour has changed (don’t go into detail how) and ask if they can think of a reason.
I would suggest the aggression is anxiety driven. I don’t know how good he’s at communicating his feelings and I suspect not very open. So you need to find a way of working out what it is that’s worrying him.
If you can fix it for him great if not just be there for him. A LOT of reassurance and a lot of praise for good behaviour.
And also make sure he understands how his behaviour is affecting others. You can say something like “when you are angry it scares your little sister”, children with ASD often just don’t see it and it needs to be pointed out to them.
I wouldn’t punish him for it per say but make sure to say that this behaviour is not acceptable (after he’s calmed down!).
Most importantly trust your instincts. Not other people who don’t understand how it is to be walking on eggshells around your own child. You know him best!
And no it’s not creepy to be scared it’s natural.
Hi I am not a medic, but a retired adult male engineer, only recently diagnosed Aspergers (ASC) myself. I have never really been violent but have had my share of 'meltdowns' over the years. Looking back I can see that my meltdowns have origins in my inability to express something, or the failure of others to understand 'what I'm really trying to say. Aware now of my condition I am better able (I hope) to see this happening and just shrug my shoulders and (hopefully) move on ... but I can imagine as a 10yr old it is not that easy. Can I suggest that he may be trying to communicate something quite subtle but quite important to him ... and failing to do so.
I feel very sad for you and for him, he probably just wants to love you and genuinely doesn't know how.
Very best wishes to you both. Ian
hi he's year 5 in primary school. when he attacks teachers most of the time he says he is bored of the work and doesn't want to do it anymore. we are waiting for his report to come through but i would say he is high functioning at a guess he is very articulate for his age and very advanced academically. we think he has pathological demand avoidance (PDA) he doesn't do well when he doesn't get his own way and 9 times out 10 it will end in violence.
he does sometimes tell me i don't understand. I wanna help him and we do everything in our power but i think everyone has a breaking point.
What is it that he says when he's telling you what's wrong? What are the difficulties he mentions?
Everyone has a breaking point, parents just have to hang on a bit longer. It sounds to me that he has reached his ... he's trying to say something but is frustrated because he feels nobody is listening; so he tosses his rattle out of the pram! Once he's lost-it, then there's no going back. He probably realises he's over reacted, and is sorry, but doesn't even know how to say that.
To me it is/was like being in a goldfish bowl. You can't really hear clearly what people were saying, but you can see. And when you try to say something, they don't hear you, or don't understand ... so they just laugh at you. I suspect he feels that if only he was given a chance and if people would listen, he'd be as good or better than any of them. And he probably will be.
If he's an Aspie, I suspect your son understands the lessons easily enough, and he sees others struggling with them. He has no friends in the class so nobody wants to sit with him. Playground is hell. I suspect he has reasoned that he doesn't really need to go to school to be abused, he can learn stuff anyway. But it's complicated to explain to you, and in the meantime he keeps being sent. Sent to school against his wishes ... But he can't bear it any more. So that's breaking points all round!
And there is probably jealousy too. His new sister doesn't have to go to school, and inevitably gets all mums attention. And your new partner is also taking your attention away from him. It was just you and him for so long ... so now he starts to feel rejected. He just wants his mum back. He's a very little man ...
I'm an Aspie, I may not be right, but I speak it as I see it ... Please don't be offended, but if you find any of it is useful that would be wonderful.
Best wishes. Ian
He just says i don't understand but when i ask what's wrong it is everyone else's fault even if he is the one who started whatever it is or he doesn't wanna talk about it or after a meltdown doesn't know why he's done it. I am always calm i will try and understand and try and reflect. We suspect he has pathological demand avoidance (PDA) which isn't as well known as the normal autism if that makes sense without offending anyone.
It makes sense and doesn't offend me.
Here's a recent blog about PDA that I've linked to before - it's a bit critical, but also mentions techniques specific for PDA:
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. If you feel like you need someone to talk to, it might help to try the NAS Parent-to-parent service, which offers confidential emotional support from trained volunteers who are also parents to children with ASD, and can be found here: http://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/parent-to-parent.aspx
If you'd like to talk to someone from NAS more generally for advice, the NAS helpline is available here: http://www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/about-us/contact-us.aspx
Ross - mod