Published on 12, July, 2020
I've tried a lot of self-help and recovery efforts over the years trying to improve my life and deal with problems I've had and challenges I've faced. The main thing I have suffered from is always feeling like an outsider, always feeling awkward in social situations.
I've read books about public speaking and interpersional communications, and none of them have made any difference. I think, with Aspergers, the standard tools and tips aren't enough -- but I don't know what is!
More recently, about the past 5 years, especially because of some compulsive interests (which now I think may also be Aspergers related), I got involved in 12-step recovery. The way I've understood "the program," the main problem is really being selfish and focused on self (which makes for a miserable life, and compels a person seek ways to elliviate the pain), and by being more focused and involved with other people, thinking more of how to be helpful to others, then life becomes more fulfilling and more pleasurable (and then a person is not compelled anymore to go escape).
After more than 5 years of involvement, I still feel very much like an outsider, even in the context of a very strong and active support group.
So, I'm wondering if anyone else here relates to these problems.
What have you found helpful for dealing with Aspergers symptoms and coping with life, and what have you found to be frustrating -- things that are supposed to be so helpful and actually do work well for so many other people -- but just don't work well for someone with Aspergers?
HI, Todd, I just Googled "Asperger's community online" and found "Online Autism Community Groups-My Spectrum Suite", www.myspectrumsuite.com/autism-facebook-online-community-groups/ it's a collection of online autism, Asperger's and neurodiverse community groups suggested by autistics. (from Everyday Aspergers or Samantha Craft's facebook page.) There are too many to list here, and I know you wanted to know which particular ones are good, but I haven't tried them out myself yet, sorry. Hope it helps a bit anyway.
Incidentally, I can relate to what you wrote about feeling like an outsider all the time. I worry that I am at heart a selfish and unpleasant person, in spite of feeling capable of compassion. I know people often see me that way. I scored much lower than I was expecting when I took an online Empathy test, and was quite disappointed. But I like to think, or at least hope, that it's not quite that simple.
If you lack "Theory of Mind", and can't always fathom what others are thinking, what have you got to fall back on except judging by what you would be thinking or doing yourself? (Maybe that's why when someone does something you wouldn't dream of doing yourself it can be such a shock.) Or personal experiences of similar situations. The latter forms a kind of "database", which expands over the years, so it can get easier to do things which were difficult before, such as doing small talk. In this case, being focussed on self isn't the same as being selfish. It's not a lifestyle choice but a necessity.
Sorry to ramble on so long, I don't usually write this much.
Hi Todd and Trainspotter,
I can absolutely relate to everything you've said. I think you nailed it on the head when you said "Where possible, just be myself" and "It is trying to 'fit in' with alien ways that causes the problems".
Any success in finding any other on-line forums for people with Aspergers? I'm still searching.
Thanks, trainspotter, for your response.
I've wondered, how much of what is called "ASD" today and is a diagnosis and needs help and therapy would have been called being an "introvert" thirty years ago, which was respected as a personality type different than "extroverts" -- not inferior to them, but just better suited to different types of activities and different environments.
So that's one question. Besides that, I was wondering if there are other on-line forums for people with Aspergers that you know of, and how they compare to this one as far as the amount of people involved. I know I can google them and probably find dozens of them, but I don't want to keep signing up and trying out these forums if I can just find out from someone with personal experience which ones are active and which one's aren't. I admit that I'm disappointed for not having gotten more of a response here.
This is the way I think autism/aspergers is disabling - by the feeling that one is an outsider. NT's closing ranks and being members of some sort of club to which those with an ASC are excluded, the way we are ignored, made to do things in ways and put into places we find very uncomfortable or distressing is the disabling thing - and often this is merely conventions of society which wouldn't do any harm to make adjustments and allowances for autistic people.
I found the answer to a lot of this long long ago. Where possible, just be myself. It is other peoples hardship if they don't like the fact I am a fussy eater, that I talk to myself,, that I might make what are to them strange gestures, and movements, that I don't like mixing with people socially, that I can keep talking for ever on my subjects. It is trying to 'fit in' with alien ways that causes the problems.
Of course there should always be the proviso that what we are doing doesn't hurt anyone else, but a lot of 'negative' behaviour only comes out when some busy-body of an NT tries to change me and does not like my way of doing things. And I really do have to be pushed quite hard before I exhibit this sort of behaviour.