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trying to fix a broken friendship

Rach91

Hello my names Rachel I have asd adhd and I suffer from anxiety and depression and my ex which is now been my best friend has been trying to help me get through it. But on Wednesday we had a massive argument things where said that upset me. Things kept getting worse and my anxiety shot up like a rocket. After the argument he went home with his dad I tried grabbing him for a hug and for us to talk but he pushed me away and walked off not looking back at me. After that day we not spoken I tried ringing him and texting him nothing I sent him a letter by post still nothing I sent him a message on Facebook no luck. Now I've asked his friend to speak to him for me and he said he help now I've sent one of my dvds to him as a gift and I want to wright to his dad. I really want these ideas to work if not is there anything else I could do I have been giving him space to cool down I've not been harassing him. The issue I've got now is going out on my own because of my anxiety I've been getting better but now I've gone downhill. If I'm with a group of people I feel safe but on my own I can't seem to do it I try but the anxiety takes over and I run for the bbus home.

  • Grabbing him, then telling him you wanted a hug (rather than asking him) both make it more difficult to refuse a request, therefore it's not really consent to hugging, more like coercion. It sounds possible that this relationship is being driven by what you want it to be. Does he offer or suggest things? If interaction is mainly or exclusively as a result of you initiating it may be that he is just going along with things do as not to distress you further. You could try having minimal contract with him to see if he gets in touch and suggests things. If he doesn't then it may be that this is not someone who wants to continue being in your life. But if he does start initiating contact then hopefully it is because he wants to (and not from feeling pressure to do so, so that you aren't distressed).

    I know what I'm saying is unlikely to reduce your anxiety, because you are seeking to resolve you anxiety (about this relationship) by resuming contact with your friend/ex-partner. Making up with your friend may not be possible and you will need to find other ways, with or without pills, to cope.

  • Hello I don't always rely on him I got to mental health groups for support and I ask other friends as well. When I grabbed his arm I said I want a hug so he kinda did hug me before walking off with his dad. I don't want to go to my gp because all she do is put me on more pills. I rang 111 spoke to a nurse and then a doctor who gave me Valium for a few days. I'm fed up of pills I just want to make up with my friend. 

  • Hi Rach91,

    I don't have responses to everything you've posted. Just that you said you tried to grab your friend (or his dad - I'm not clear) for a hug. As you have mentioned, your friend is also your ex-partner. I would therefore suggest it is especially important to respect physical boundaries which will be different now. If you would like a hug with someone it is important to know whether they also want this, by asking first e.g. "can I have a hug please?" then respecting their wishes if they say "no". Doing this is one way to help regain the trust and respect of your ex-partner, now friend - and anyone else, for that matter. You will also have less uncertainty, from the point of view of them saying whether they do or do not want a hug on that particular occasion.

    You may need to find another way of getting support to go out, rather than trying to reinstate the rule your friend/ex-partner used to fulfil. He may then be more relaxed knowing that you are not relying on him. If you are experiencing such significant anxiety have you spoken to your GP or do you have any other health or social care professionals to help you work on this? Trying to relieve your anxiety via your ex-partner is not the answer.

    I hope you find a way to improve your situation.

    All the best.