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never ending nightmare

Rach91

Hello I'm Rachel I've made a few posts on here anyway I have asperges syndrome and I suffer from depression. I am try to recover and when I finally start to feel happy and the depression starts to go away something always happens that brings me down again. I just feel that iI'm being punished amd that I don't deserve to be happy.  For example a few days ago my ex agreed to meet me as a friend I got really excited all set to meet him today for a coffee and to make a fresh start move on from the brake up and to start over as close friends that's all I want. Anyway this morning he texts me saying he can't make it because he has a job interview and starts his new job tomorrow. I just feel I, go into this bubble of happiness and someone comes along and bursts it. Just wanna am I we meant to be happy or are we all just living a never ending nightmare. I can't stand it anymore, I just wanna be happy again and for once can't something just go right for me or am I being punishment for, all the bad I've done.  

  • Hello Rachel,

    I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling like this.  My daughter is Autistic but I am what you all refer to as an NT.  I suffered with depression all of my life and I am nearing my 40's, so firstly it is not because of your own diagnosis, anyone can suffer with depression.

    I too feel anxious about everything, I once turned off the washing machine mid cycle so it didn't 'blow up'! but somehow I have had to find the strength to carry on, focus on something else.  If you think your life goes from bad to worse, here is a snippet of my life, so hopefully you can realise yours is worth fighting for.  Please note, none of this is fabricated;

    I have always been bullied from first school, middle, high, college, uni and work.

    My family have nothing to do with me - they have met my Autistic daughter twice - she is now 8 and have never met my son.

    I owe about 60k.

    My husband and I had decent jobs when he took ill back in Jan 2012.  I had to quit to care for him.

    He took 1 year to recover, then found out he had cancer.

    My husbands mum passed away in July 2014 unexpectedly

    I had to care for him from 2013 for a further 3.1/2 years through 4 lots of intense chemo (horrific), three major surgeries, 5 solid weeks of radiotherapy, plus loads of other stuff.  

    He died in May 2016

    My list is probably another 3 times longer, i have just listed the main ones.

    My daughters school have just accused me of forcing her to stay up all hours doing homework and jobs that I don't do and they accused me of hitting her, because it took me 1 1/2 hrs to get her to school due to a major meltdown - she was extremely distressed, and they have then questioned her, either during or immediately afterwards and she has muddled everything up.

    She has just tried attacking my 3 year old and myself again, throwing as many things (heavy things) as possible, pinning us upstairs where I sort refuge, broke the upstairs stair gate, kicked me, nipped me etc. etc. I eventually managed to get downstairs (this lasted what felt like an hour, until I could run across the path to a neighbour to hep me. - And her school think I can make her do things she doesn't want to do!!

    I am not telling you this to be-little you, just to let you know that you are not alone, depression is very common for anyone and can be beaten.  Please speak to your GP for advise and you may be able to get some councelling.  I have had three lots over the years and I know I need more at the minute, but my kids are a higher priorty.  i will get my turn soon.

    Please look after yourself.  Wishing you a speedy recovery

    Take care

    CJ

  • I know it's easy to say, considering the stress you are under, but I think the best course is to be as supportive as you can to your ex. That way, he'll see you in a positive light and perhaps then things can move forward.

    After all, what have you got to lose?

  • Thanks for the advice my nightmare seems to have gone from bad to worse my ex was sacked from his job last week and I feel I am the cause of it. After the night we broke up I almost destroyed his life now I feel 6 months after the incident I am destroying his life. Theres me working in a hospital looking after the elderly and sick that has done bad things and my ex then suffers from my mistakes but why does he want to be my friend after everything I've done he says he doesn't hate me and wants to be my friend.  :(

  • No, Rach91, you're not being punished for all the bad you've done because it's only in your own mind that you think you've been bad to find a reason why things don't always go the way you would like them to go.

    Life has a habit of interfering with our desires at any old time and this is something we have to allow for and deal with in order to compromise because nothing is ever black and white. In this case, your ex is in a situation that demands his attention. It's not that he is trying to avoid meeting you - it's just an unfortunate coincidence that he has no control over. In any relationship there has to be a reasonable degree of give and take and it's often because this isn't present in the relationship that it fails.

    My advice to you is to realize that, yes, it's very dissapointing that this has come up but it won't be long before you two will agree to meet again and restore the exciting anticipation you felt before. There's a lot of wisdom in the old adage "patience is a virtue."