Why is routine important to you?

Thanks for posting, and this sounds awful but I am glad your mum is in hospital, with the posts you have said, she has obviously needed to be in a week ago.  You learn to know your own limits, and when my husband went in, it meant I knew I could not manage his needs, he useually needed a drip of somekind.

I hope you are having some you time?

Your mum would love you unconditionally, but it is great that you noticed what much hard work she put in, for me it is exhausting.  Just make sure you tell her, so she knows the effort was worth it, which it sounds like to me it was.  I think from your posts you are older than me, so it was a different time when you were young.  Autism diagnosis was still in its infancy, and is really only still now being understood.  you can never help who you are or what it was like.  You were in a tough place, your dad's issues may have caused you more distress than you are aware of for example your violence.  My daughter has become very violent, and I think it is fallout from losing her dad.  When your dad was drunk, you may have lashed out then?  It will b difficult to remember, but this could have been a major trigger.

At the minute we don't have any behavioural therapists, everything has been so difficult and we only obtained the diagnosis in late August.  We will see what it brings us.

Anyway, I hope your mum is as ok as she can be.

Take care, CJ

Thanks for replying.  I can't tell you how she sits in terms or whether she is worse than anyone else or not.  To anyone looking, she seems like a normal eight year old.  But thats where it ends really!

For example, we still have pjs on, no shoes and on the trampolene in her own little world - it is really cold outside, but I have no chance of getting her in, or dressed!  this just looks to others that she is being a bit naughty, but when it happens every single day, especially when she is supposed to be going to school or to the shop, how do you make her?

She has no concept of time, so I can tell her over and over till I am blue in the face, ok it's 8 now, we need to have breakfast, half an hour later I am still waiting, because she is 'not ready!' ok, school is now open - we are still in PJ's and now sneaked outside (sorry ran!) to get on the trampolene! The bell has gone now!, still nothing, if she is not ready, it is just not happening!  the other day I needed milk, I had enough for about 2 cups of tea, and stupidly forgot to get some.  It took me a day and a half to get it. and that was diabolicle.  I just don't get how I can implement a routine, when I can even do things like school! and going to the shop!

On a seperate note, I am sorry you guys are having problems with your mums.  I can relate in a different way that my mother-inn-law passed away in 2014 (my daughter's idol!) and then my husband passed away in May 2016 after 5 years critically ill (3.5 with cancer). I cannot sugar coat anything, and wouldn't want to.  I think my daughters increased violence is fallout from her dad, as thinking about it, we had something similar around the same time frame of her nanny.  

All you can expect, is like anyone to face grief and hardship, but when they are really ill like my husband was, I was actually willing him to go.  He physically couldn't take anymore.  One of you likes stories? sorry can't remember who, I wrote a poem for my husband and to give to our children, following our last conversation about all the things he was going to do when he was finally free.  I can post it if you are intersted?  I am going to re-write it and draw images to see if I can publish it for children going through grief.  A brilliant book for grief if you are interested is 'Michael Rosens' Sad.  He wrote it after his son died at a young age, not intending it to be a book.  It is amazing, and makes you realise the feelings you have are shall we say - normal. 

Wishing you happiness in your futures, whatever they may bring you.

CJ

Hi CJ115.

Well, I think in my case it was something that seemed to develop over the years. But then, if I am on the autistic spectrum it is at the very mild end. Your daughter sounds like she is much more affected than me so I'm really not qualified to offer much useful advice. The trouble is when you get older you can't really remember that much about how you behaved as a kid and it's only because I've recently learnt about autism I can relate to it.

I should think there are others here who have gone through what you are going through, CJ115, and could offer some advice based on their experiences.

Hi everyone,  It is interesting to read your comments, did you all develop routines as children or is it something you have developed as you have grown?  I have never been a routine person, purely becasue I wasn't raised that way and my life over the last 8 years+ has never allowed me too anyway.  However, everyone says how it is important to put routine in.  My daughter is 8 and autistic, I really struggle with this routine thing.  My husband passed away in May and I am so exhausted but do not sleep well either.  I am struggling with emotions and depression, but am winning. Trying to put routine in that I can actually stick to are difficult, especially when my daughter keeps pushing the boundaries. How do I make her go upstairs when she has come down again for the sixth time? and she is shouting and screaming abuse at me?

Thoughts welcomed please!

Yep, Tom, I think you and I are similar in that our moms are near the end of their lives and when they go it will be the end of a close, lifelong relationship which could well have profound consequences.

I say this because (in my case anyway) my mom has been the only real close relationship I have ever known so when she passes on it's bound to change my outlook on life. Maybe it will enable me to move on, who knows? I have my brother here but that's a somewhat different relationship. 

My day to day life is very 'samey', also.

It's not something I'm very proud of because when I look at my life I think it's rather a waste, as I don't seek out fresh experiences by going to new places and meeting new people.

But then I'm not a 'people' person and could rightly be described as anti-social, I suppose. I often think there's something wrong with me because it doesn't seem very healthy for someone to do the same thing, day after day, and I have often wondered what it would be like to try to break my rigid routine, not that I haven't tried in the past, but only spodradically.

I can't truthfully say it's something I'm happy with because the predictability of my life can be crushing at times, unlike some others here who seem to be ok with it.

But, it does seem to be 'the way I am', so I have to live with it.

I suppose the truth is I'm not keen on new experiences because the prospect creates anxiety and, like Trainspotter, I like to plan well ahead of any trip or visit by someone.

This is one of the reasons I think I might be mildly autistic, as lack of social interaction is one of the signs.

Yes, I like my life to be organised by routine.  I have the same thing for breakfast, more or less the same to eat at dinnertime each day and my tea is organised on day of the week.  I do tend to have a very bland diet.

I find it difficult to organise myself other than by doing the same thing consistently.  I tend to go to the same shops, buy the same groceries every week.  I cannot do with others making up routines for me which has caused major problems at work.  And if there are things I do that do not fit in with my routines it can be very random and can get messy. 

I have to plan a day out, if I get little satisfaction from doing something which has not had a plan beforehand although the  plans can go awry if I get too involved in what I am doing.  Having to be places at certain times means I over compensate for the time involved so I would arrive at the station an hour before the train is due or allow far too much time for a car  journey for fear of being late often arriving at, say, a meeting an hour early.