Im really sensitive to being touched, it hurts and makes me feel uncomfortable, but I just feel so lonely I want someone to hug me. I don't really understand why.
Please, does anyone feel like this or understand at all? And, if anyone has felt like this, did hugging anyone make you feel better or did it just make it worse?
I can't agree that you 'need to comfort yourself', I think it's much more likely that you need to feel comforted in that special way that can only come from someone who cares about you. If it can't be a person, I think that sometimes just cuddling a pet can help, even if it isn't quite the same, but just knowing that someone or something gives a damn about you at all, matters.
When I was very little, whenever my Mum got the vacuum cleaner out, I used to go and get one of my Dad's jackets. I would lie on the sofa and cover myself completely (I was little, my Dad was a very big, muscular bloke) and that would muffle the noise. Then I'd often get so warm and cosy under there that I would escape into sleep. It felt like the safest 'cuddle' I could get, and even now I can easily recall the amount of comfort I felt from it. I sometimes do the same with a quilt these days, just like you
Thank you classic codger and Dan for your comments. Its sad to hear that you have had similar experiences to me classic codger. I think perhaps what you've both said is very true for me at the moment. I just want to feel connected to someone but trying to explain it to sounds so contradictory. I want a hug but I don't like being touched. I think I just need to feel the security that a hug provides and I need to feel in control. I told a support worker last night that I wanted a hug and she said it's because I need to comfort myself. It sounds pathetic but sometimes I wrap myself up in a quilt, close my eyes and pretend someone is there. It sort of helps until I realise I'm completely alone. This may be the kind of support a friend would provide.
Sorry, I'm not sure if that's too much information or not really. I'm not very good at the boundaries things.
I can identify with everything Dan says.
When I was little, I used to be told to kiss my Mum goodnight. I found this incredibly distasteful, but did it because if I didn't do what I was told, I'd get beaten up. I never understood why I felt that way, just how I felt about it, but it was very puzzling to me as it didn't appear 'normal' when I observed what other people did. I'm sure that my Grandmas were equally puzzled, they were lovely to me but I saw that I didn't respond in the way that their other grandchildren did. I so wish I could go back and explain, but they're all gone now so I'm left unrequited. Very sad.
Even now, if someone encroaches on my personal space, I am immediately hugely uncomfortable, and if they touch me it burns, it's very painful. When I've been in a relationship I could only do hugs if I was in the right place, and was often 'accused' of a lack of spontaneity. Apparently, reacting to an unexpected touch by reflexively jerking away and being angry is not the expected reaction to a display of tenderness. One person's display of tenderness is another person's assault, can you tell which is which yet? LOL!
I think it's perfectly normal, for us. Whenever I've wanted a 'hug' it's been far more about my sheer existence being acknowledged, feeling close, loved and not alone than about actually being physicaly touched. This is my normality too. I still wonder about this because whilst I need to feel loved, appreciated and wanted, if that 'closeness' isn't on my terms, it's anathema to me, and so the mind-twist begins...
I also often feel the need for a hug, but have found it difficult. I'm only mildly hypersensitive in touch (hearing on the other hand..), but I have issues with personal space. What I've actually boiled the need down to is to feel close to someone I'm comfortable with, it doesn't need to be a hug in my case. There are very few people I am comfortable being close to (nobody in my family). Even when I'm comfortable with someone I often find that something smaller than a hug, perhaps just touching hands, is easier but still gives the comfort of knowing that person is there. Not knowing how your hypersensitivity affects you I don't know if this would work, or even if it would give you the contact you need, but what if you placed your hand on someone else's hand or arm - you'd be in control of the sensation and I guess that you're able to manage to sense in your hands and fingertips more so as I assume it's something you have to deal with in more everyday situations.
You're welcome, I'm very happy to be of some use. Apparently it's quite a common thing for autistic people to relate better to animals/nature. When I was a child I had a cat who was my most favourite being in the whole world. She always knew when I needed comfort. I used to do a lot of art too, but stopped a while back for some reason that I am not sure of. I wish I still did it, but I can't find the urge to somehow.
I haven't told my parents about being autistic, they wouldn't understand it and would probably just tell me that everyone feels like this. They operate as part of the NT planet whereas I don't.
I have been in similar situations before so I know what you mean (well, I don't really but I may have some idea from my experience). I got made redundant and then tried to work freelance for a year or 2 and failed at that and also failed at other job interviews, and then started volunteering in a different sector- then I got a job after 6 months of volunteering. I also got out of an abusive relationship during this time, as I had to move back home with my parents and away from my partner. It was a very hard time for me but I have so many more positive things in my life now, although finding out that I am autistic has been a hard journey for me to go on, I am sure I will feel better as time goes on.
I hope you can also see this too, I do honestly believe that we need to keep on trying and trying to make ourselves happy in anyway we can and then we will get there bit by bit. I also discovered meditation before this time, which I believe kept me going and lifted me out of various depressive/anxious states. I started off very sceptical, however I gave it a go as I was recommended to at the time. It amazed me in its power to help overcome negativity.
Anyway I will stop there as I don't want to bore, I can get carried away. The above point just made me think that there maybe a buddhist centre or something similar to look up.
It's nice to find someone who can understand how hard it is. We are definitely not alone in this, I am sure there are lot's more autistic people (and NTs) who find things so hard.
Thank you. It's so strange because I love being in my garden too! I love plants and animals (I have a toad in my garden). Unfortunately I live with my parents who are apparently indifferent to me. I've recently finished my contract with work and haven't made any friends where I live. I've got a few mental health problems which people are trying to help me with which are making it just even more difficult to get out. I currently spend my days painting pictures for the people who help me. I also look for courses etc online. There are lots of free ones at the local college which have helped me understand alot more than I did.
it really is nice though to have someone, even someone I've never met before, say they understand. Your advice is brilliant and I hope you keep giving it out to people because it's really made a difference to me.
The thing I find with meditation/relaxation is that it's hard to do when you're feeling sad (when you most need it!), but it's really worth doing even just a few minutes. This app has been invaluable for me, whenever I start to feel bad then I use it. Which is at least once daily. The meditations are only short so it's easy.
Another thing that has helped me has my garden. I have all sorts of plants and insects, and even a frog! It's actually only a tiny garden. It is my little 'heaven on earth'! It sounds silly, but the insects and plants make me feel that bit less lonely.
I have made a big effort to do more hobbies too, by writing a list of things I like to do so that they are always on my mind and the list reminds me to do something daily.
I hope you're ok, life is so isolating sometimes. I try to remember that everyone feels lonely at least some of the time. If you do need to talk to someone remember there are always free helplines open to call.
Another thing that I do (to the point of obsessive!) is google for courses, groups, counselling etc. depending on my need. Obviously it depends on area but there maybe things available to you, it's worth looking.
Sorry I can't help but give advice when someone has a problem. I just want to solve it and sometimes forget that not everyone is the same as me. But anyway I hope this helps a little.
Thank you for replying. I like your idea about mindfulness I may try this. I'm sorry to hear you are also lonely.
i just feel so alone all of the time I think I want some kind of human interaction that isn't going to bring me into a state of anxiety and make me feel worse.
Thank you again for replying. It's nice to feel like someone understands.
I love hugs but only when I am in the right state/mood to receive them, otherwise they can irritate me. If there is another type of touch that you do like then maybe you can adapt it or change the position eg. a 'side hug' or something.
I feel very lonely too right now, I recommend 'smiling minds' app which is mindfulness meditation/relaxion, I always feel more happy after doing it. Another thing I do is burn essential oil, it makes me feel good. Or listen to music.
