family holidays

mildredpierce said:

Hi i am sitting here in tears writing this,my 11 yr old daughter was diagnosed 2 years a go with aspergers and minor learning difficulties.We have never been on a family holiday so i thought we would just go in a caravan for a few days to ease her in ,we have paid for it ,then tonight as i tucked her up in bed she said 'Mum don't be mad at me but i don't want to go away,' i have a younger daughter who misses out on so much cos we change our plans to fit around My older daughter,i feel awful,my husband said he will stay with my daughter at home while i take my younger daughter away with her cousins,i really don't think i can leave my older dauhter,its tearing me apart.

Hi Mildred, I do feel for you, we all need to get away sometimes to recharge the batteries. I have all sorts of fears which have dogged my life and came to the conclusion that I have to face them. I remember as a child being terrified of dogs. One day, when walking home from junior school, I saw one running down the road towards me. I turned and fled, screaming loudly. The next day, the lollipop man commented about it. I was mortified with embarrassment and decided I must learn to deal with dogs in a different way. As an adult, I am still fearful of dogs, but now hold something between me and the dog, look near to it but not staring at it, and wait for it to go away, or ask the owner to restrain it. I get by now.

I understand how your daughter feels, but if she is to "have a life" as they say, she needs to learn to cope with her fears. You could perhaps take her on a long day trip and home by bed time. If you have already tried this, what about 1 night in the caravan with a promise to go home the next day if she is not coping. It may take a lot of time and reassurance on your part, perhaps your undivided attention, but may pay great dividends in the long term. She may even agree to stay longer, after trying it.

If all else fails, and you cannot persuade her to try, tell her how disappointed you are to not be able to go, as kindly as posible. She may think about and decide to try it for your sake, in the future. Girls with Autism can be very empathic. She cares about you, and may consider your needs, thus helping herself. If she cannot do it for herself, she may do it for you.

Best wishes, I do hope you sort it out.

Hi everybody,

It seems that there has been some misunderstandings in this thread, and it would be a shame to put #mildredpierce off returning to the forum to continue sharing ideas.

Perhaps a break from this particular thread would be a good idea.

Kind regards,

Coco (Moderator)

classic codger said:

Hello! You seem to be in a bit of a pickle with this, and I can see what a tough one it might be.

Your daughter says she doesn't want to go - did she say why? The unknown is a huge and daunting fear for us that raises all sorts of questions. Will I be OK, what will I do, how does it work etc etc. It's always best to encourage your daughter to talk about things, and it sounds to me as if you do, but you should have difficulty understanding where her answers are coming from. That would be normal, and we can't always describe what we feel.

As you point out, you've never done this before. From her point of view, you want to take her away from everything that is known and familiar to her, and that's a bigger issue than you can imagine. Know, yes, understand, I think not. It would be incredible for you to even be able to fully understand.

You want to take her away from home. Scary. You want her to stay in a caravan. How does that work. You want her to enjoy herself. Difficult when you're an Aspie sitting there trying not to give in to the overwhelming fear of the situation you've been forced into.

I appreciate that for you, these issues don't exist, and nor should they. You deserve a break, and you should assert your right to have one. If your husband has suggested a way, you should take it, no question. But did you really think that presenting you daughter with this would just be smooth? If you did, your approach couldn't have been worse.

She needs tons of information, and tons of reassurance that she'll be fine, and then time to 'research' and get used to the idea. She also needs to know that whatever she decides will be OK. This may not work out as you would like it to. I saw an advertisement on telly just now, asking what the coast means to you. My immediate reaction was 'Urgh, sand'. I cannot bear the feel of cotton wool, walking on 'crunchy' snow does the same to me, and sand can be the same. I hate getting it underfoot, on me, in my shoes... These are the very important sensory inputs that I now recognise as a general sensitivity to textures. It wasn't untill my assessment that I even understood why clothes labels torture me to the point wher I have to cut them out. I can avoid labels, I can avoid cotton wool. Crunchy snow can't always be avoided, but if I deliberately put myself on the beach at the coast, I know what it will do to me. Get it?

I find that if I'm faced with the prospect of going somewhere unknown, that looking at maps and Street View helps me enormously as it takes away a little of the fear of the unknown. You need to know what your daughter is afraid of, the answer will be in multiple parts, and it may be that you are asking too much of her when she doesn't even know what the issues are, or if she does, how to describe them to you. You're showing her your enthusiasm and she doesn't want to spoil it for you.

I suggest that you might do better to ask her what she wants to do - as she gets older, she'll be better at telling you - and then make it possible whenever and wherever you can. If you want her to have new experiences, you might need to change the way you introduce the idea. By your daughter's reaction, you introduced it the wrong way this time, and she doesn't want to spoil things for you. YOU'RE torn, how does your daughter feel? By your tears, you're expressing your own emotions without regard to what you might have done to her.

Are you really trying to say that your husband can't look after his own child for a few days? That's disrespectful of him when he's trying to come up with a workable suggestion so that ALL of his family get what they want. It isn't all just about you, it's about all of you. Let your husband guide you on this and go with his suggestion, I'm sure you've all got telephones if they're needed. Get away for a few days and stop trying to live your daughter's life for her. She'll be better with her own choice than one you force on her. She's got her own life, respect her position. Your other daughter, you, and your husband, also have your own lives - respect that too.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Have a good, relaxing time

Thank you i think it is best all round that my Daughter stays at home ,that suits her and makes her happy thats all that matters.

Hello! You seem to be in a bit of a pickle with this, and I can see what a tough one it might be.

Your daughter says she doesn't want to go - did she say why? The unknown is a huge and daunting fear for us that raises all sorts of questions. Will I be OK, what will I do, how does it work etc etc. It's always best to encourage your daughter to talk about things, and it sounds to me as if you do, but you should have difficulty understanding where her answers are coming from. That would be normal, and we can't always describe what we feel.

As you point out, you've never done this before. From her point of view, you want to take her away from everything that is known and familiar to her, and that's a bigger issue than you can imagine. Know, yes, understand, I think not. It would be incredible for you to even be able to fully understand.

You want to take her away from home. Scary. You want her to stay in a caravan. How does that work. You want her to enjoy herself. Difficult when you're an Aspie sitting there trying not to give in to the overwhelming fear of the situation you've been forced into.

I appreciate that for you, these issues don't exist, and nor should they. You deserve a break, and you should assert your right to have one. If your husband has suggested a way, you should take it, no question. But did you really think that presenting you daughter with this would just be smooth? If you did, your approach couldn't have been worse.

She needs tons of information, and tons of reassurance that she'll be fine, and then time to 'research' and get used to the idea. She also needs to know that whatever she decides will be OK. This may not work out as you would like it to. I saw an advertisement on telly just now, asking what the coast means to you. My immediate reaction was 'Urgh, sand'. I cannot bear the feel of cotton wool, walking on 'crunchy' snow does the same to me, and sand can be the same. I hate getting it underfoot, on me, in my shoes... These are the very important sensory inputs that I now recognise as a general sensitivity to textures. It wasn't untill my assessment that I even understood why clothes labels torture me to the point wher I have to cut them out. I can avoid labels, I can avoid cotton wool. Crunchy snow can't always be avoided, but if I deliberately put myself on the beach at the coast, I know what it will do to me. Get it?

I find that if I'm faced with the prospect of going somewhere unknown, that looking at maps and Street View helps me enormously as it takes away a little of the fear of the unknown. You need to know what your daughter is afraid of, the answer will be in multiple parts, and it may be that you are asking too much of her when she doesn't even know what the issues are, or if she does, how to describe them to you. You're showing her your enthusiasm and she doesn't want to spoil it for you.

I suggest that you might do better to ask her what she wants to do - as she gets older, she'll be better at telling you - and then make it possible whenever and wherever you can. If you want her to have new experiences, you might need to change the way you introduce the idea. By your daughter's reaction, you introduced it the wrong way this time, and she doesn't want to spoil things for you. YOU'RE torn, how does your daughter feel? By your tears, you're expressing your own emotions without regard to what you might have done to her.

Are you really trying to say that your husband can't look after his own child for a few days? That's disrespectful of him when he's trying to come up with a workable suggestion so that ALL of his family get what they want. It isn't all just about you, it's about all of you. Let your husband guide you on this and go with his suggestion, I'm sure you've all got telephones if they're needed. Get away for a few days and stop trying to live your daughter's life for her. She'll be better with her own choice than one you force on her. She's got her own life, respect her position. Your other daughter, you, and your husband, also have your own lives - respect that too.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Have a good, relaxing time