Difficulty with Parents

Hi Valkyrie,

The behaviour you've described sounds very concerning. We'd recommend you give us a call on Helpline for further advice. Also you should try and find a local autism support group and meet others face-to-face. You can find out more here.

Do keep posting on here and let us know how you are getting on.

Take care,

Avi

I agree with Stateofindependence - what you are experiencing is abuse. 

I've been through this type of treatment from my own mother, and would describe what I happened to me as cruelty and scapegoating. Even though the physical abuse stopped when I left home, the verbal abuse continued until I broke contact with my parents completely.

After much research and my own diagnosis of Asperger's, I can say with some certainty that my father had Asperger's.
My mother exhibited Asperger's traits more subtlely, as females tend to do, but they were there. In addition, however, through my work (with psychiatric clients) I slowly came to the realisation that she exhibited behaviour akin to borderline personality disorder - especially in the constant swinging from being nice to being cruel - and later found that this can be a feature of female Asperger's in some cases. 

I cannot remember where I read it, but recall reading - that because ASC's are largely genetic and one of the traits is a reduced empathy, then families where ASC is present are sometimes likely to have less empathy going round collectively. In my own it almost felt as though there was some 'herd-instinct' driving them against me.

It is a horrible situation to be in and can gradually erode your self-esteem and cause considerable distress, as you are experiencing at present.
As Marjorie195 points out, you do need to talk to someone - someone you can trust.

Good luck Valkyrie, I wish you well.

This is abuse, plain and simple, and there is nothing normal about punching, slapping, scratching, hair pulling, burning, and attempting to steal from someone's account.

The mother sounds completely unhinged, and I'd say this is a police matter. As for the OP having an apparent blindness towards his parent's needs, it looks the other way around to me. 

My advice would be to start keeping a diary. Write down times/dates you are being abused, and by whom. It would help to get some recorded evidence, as no doubt your parents will deny everything if challenged. 

This is not your fault. And don't let anyone suggest it is. It is no wonder you are stressed and having difficulties if you are being abused, and those around you are being cruel one minute then nice to you the next. 

Good luck x

Families are strange places to be in......

What you would lack with autism is an effective means of social referencing. Any one group of people establishes through continuous socialising its own set of codes and rules. Families are particularly governed by this process.

Everyone is supposed to pick up what the family expects and what individual members of the family expect from other family members. This can sometimes be quite oppressive, especially for those having difficulty conforming, but continues by assent of the majority (or no-one speaks up for fear of antagonism). This is why abuse can easily occur in families.

With autism you cannot expect to engage effectively in socialisation. In particular you wont be able to read facial expressions, gestures and other 'body language' effectively, nor produce the body language others expect to see. Unfortunately this aspect of autism isn't much written about and isn't effectively portrayed in the Triad of Impairments. It isn't just about avoiding 'eye contact' or having trouble fitting in socially..... people on the autistic spectrum do not learn anything from social referencing.

Hence you are supposed to have picked up by now why your family works the way it does.  Nobody in your family can probably put it into words, because it has evolved over the years by general assent.

Consequently those around you are annoyed and resentful that you aren't getting the message, aren't doing things the way everyone expects, aren't doing your share (the money your parents seek is contribution towards the household expenses perhaps). Your parents' strange attempts to mildly hurt you may manifest frustration that you seem to them to be being deliberately different, and deliberately not obeying family rules.

They simply wont understand why you have this apparent blindness towards their needs and interests. The definition of autism they may be able to access is unlikely to explain about social referencing, and your attempt to get a diagnosis may be seen as trying to make excuses.

Even if you get a diagnosis I doubt this will change much. Humans are expected to fit into social structures. There is no public understanding that any condition could make this difficult.

Indeed I wish I could get NAS to understand it better.

The verbal and physical abuse by your parents, from the way you describe it, sounds more like frustration that you aren't getting the family message. They are trying to convey physically, because looks and dissapproving "atmosphere" aren't getting through to you, that they resent the fact you don't try to fit in. They cannot understand why any human wouldn't have grasped that by now.

I've offered a way of explaining this. I'm not necessarily right. You really need professional advice with this, Ask the NAS helpline for help.

Hi Mike, You need to leave this environment. When you see your doctors, tell them what is happening to you. You need help and suport to get somewhere you can live independantly and in safety.

I don't think that your parents hate you, rather that they do not understand, and feel unable to cope, now that you are an adult. The only thing that they are doing that I think is acceptable, is expecting you to pay your way, as a wage earning adult living in their household; we are all responsible for feeding and clothing ourselves, once we are able to work. Everything else is totally unacceptable. They should not be physically or mentally hurting you, and I think that you should ask your doctor for help and if necessary, social services. You have the right to live in a safe environment. Once you have your diagnosis, I hope that these people will help you.

Don't do anything hasty, but talk to your doctor, and see what she advises.

Don't just put up with this, ask for help and keep telling them what your familly are doing that hurts you. Even better, keep a diary, detailing each incident and tell them,  each time you see someone for assessment.

You will always find sympathy and advise here. Tell us how you get on, and best wishes.

Hello Mike,

The way you say your parents are testing you is not normal or ok in any way. Causing deliberate physical pain (like the hot spoon on your face) and hitting you or pulling your hair can be considered assault - and potentially abuse if they are your carers. Have you been able to tell anyone else about what has happened? It sounds like you have regular contact with health services. Maybe there is someone there who you can tell. If you get stuck for words you could show them what you have typed in this message.

If that's how they treat you do you want to spend a week on holiday with your parents? That sounds really horrible what you're experiencing from you family.

The fact that you are scared to leave your room is a strong sign that how the are treating you is wrong. It may not stop on its own, that's why speaking to someone else (a professional, outside the family) can help things to change. It's great that you are working. Maybe in time you could get some support to move out of your parents place. It might feel like a big thing, but something to consider, so that you have your own space and aren't relying on them and hoping that they will stop behaving like this.

Thanks for posting and all the best with everything. Hopefully others well also chip in with words of support and encouragement.

Hello Mike

Well done for coming on here and telling us what is happening to you. It has happened to other people too, and you've done the very best thing in telling us.

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, I went through the same with my parents, from a very young age.

I know now that it was just that they didn't understand me and my condition. I also think that my Mum was AS too. It  doesn't excuse their behaviour, but it helps me to have an explanation for it so that I know it wasn'tmy fault. It isn't your fault either, you are not the things they call you.

Please can you try to do what Curious says and speak with someone or show them your message? I think it will help to change things for you too, and I'm certain that you want them to change.

It is good that you have joined us on here, we welcome new chums and we will always do our best to help you and support you in any way we can, so please come back as often as you can to talk to us