Difficulty with Parents

Families are strange places to be in......

What you would lack with autism is an effective means of social referencing. Any one group of people establishes through continuous socialising its own set of codes and rules. Families are particularly governed by this process.

Everyone is supposed to pick up what the family expects and what individual members of the family expect from other family members. This can sometimes be quite oppressive, especially for those having difficulty conforming, but continues by assent of the majority (or no-one speaks up for fear of antagonism). This is why abuse can easily occur in families.

With autism you cannot expect to engage effectively in socialisation. In particular you wont be able to read facial expressions, gestures and other 'body language' effectively, nor produce the body language others expect to see. Unfortunately this aspect of autism isn't much written about and isn't effectively portrayed in the Triad of Impairments. It isn't just about avoiding 'eye contact' or having trouble fitting in socially..... people on the autistic spectrum do not learn anything from social referencing.

Hence you are supposed to have picked up by now why your family works the way it does.  Nobody in your family can probably put it into words, because it has evolved over the years by general assent.

Consequently those around you are annoyed and resentful that you aren't getting the message, aren't doing things the way everyone expects, aren't doing your share (the money your parents seek is contribution towards the household expenses perhaps). Your parents' strange attempts to mildly hurt you may manifest frustration that you seem to them to be being deliberately different, and deliberately not obeying family rules.

They simply wont understand why you have this apparent blindness towards their needs and interests. The definition of autism they may be able to access is unlikely to explain about social referencing, and your attempt to get a diagnosis may be seen as trying to make excuses.

Even if you get a diagnosis I doubt this will change much. Humans are expected to fit into social structures. There is no public understanding that any condition could make this difficult.

Indeed I wish I could get NAS to understand it better.

The verbal and physical abuse by your parents, from the way you describe it, sounds more like frustration that you aren't getting the family message. They are trying to convey physically, because looks and dissapproving "atmosphere" aren't getting through to you, that they resent the fact you don't try to fit in. They cannot understand why any human wouldn't have grasped that by now.

I've offered a way of explaining this. I'm not necessarily right. You really need professional advice with this, Ask the NAS helpline for help.

Families are strange places to be in......

What you would lack with autism is an effective means of social referencing. Any one group of people establishes through continuous socialising its own set of codes and rules. Families are particularly governed by this process.

Everyone is supposed to pick up what the family expects and what individual members of the family expect from other family members. This can sometimes be quite oppressive, especially for those having difficulty conforming, but continues by assent of the majority (or no-one speaks up for fear of antagonism). This is why abuse can easily occur in families.

With autism you cannot expect to engage effectively in socialisation. In particular you wont be able to read facial expressions, gestures and other 'body language' effectively, nor produce the body language others expect to see. Unfortunately this aspect of autism isn't much written about and isn't effectively portrayed in the Triad of Impairments. It isn't just about avoiding 'eye contact' or having trouble fitting in socially..... people on the autistic spectrum do not learn anything from social referencing.

Hence you are supposed to have picked up by now why your family works the way it does.  Nobody in your family can probably put it into words, because it has evolved over the years by general assent.

Consequently those around you are annoyed and resentful that you aren't getting the message, aren't doing things the way everyone expects, aren't doing your share (the money your parents seek is contribution towards the household expenses perhaps). Your parents' strange attempts to mildly hurt you may manifest frustration that you seem to them to be being deliberately different, and deliberately not obeying family rules.

They simply wont understand why you have this apparent blindness towards their needs and interests. The definition of autism they may be able to access is unlikely to explain about social referencing, and your attempt to get a diagnosis may be seen as trying to make excuses.

Even if you get a diagnosis I doubt this will change much. Humans are expected to fit into social structures. There is no public understanding that any condition could make this difficult.

Indeed I wish I could get NAS to understand it better.

The verbal and physical abuse by your parents, from the way you describe it, sounds more like frustration that you aren't getting the family message. They are trying to convey physically, because looks and dissapproving "atmosphere" aren't getting through to you, that they resent the fact you don't try to fit in. They cannot understand why any human wouldn't have grasped that by now.

I've offered a way of explaining this. I'm not necessarily right. You really need professional advice with this, Ask the NAS helpline for help.