Hidden identities

We might be thinking of the same thread.

Thanks for this tip, someone’s thread upset me recently as I worried they were seriously struggling. I didn’t know what to do but yes I could have reported to the NAS people. 

Did you realize this forum is public - can be viewed by anyone? That's a sound basis for not revealing identity on here. I agree with profdanger , that not all autistic people have good intentions. Also people in crisis lean on people emotionally, which might worry or cause alarm among many in the community. Another thing about masking - what if you reveal then change your mind? You can remove your posts but these might already have been seen, or recorded, by anyone.

The risks are too broad and far reaching, so I agree with this rule! I would rather the forum not be available to the broader public too - perhaps one of the Mods might comment on this.

profdanger said:

I think they just trickled off this site when they realized certain people weren’t paying enough attention to them.

I agree, there are attention-seekers here. Though empathic because of my former work, I agree with the ethics that we don't offer therapy or medical advice. There are too many who might do this for a variety of reasons - mal-intent, desire to help but giving incorrect or damaging advice, or the aftermath - the giver of information being beset by worries. I give my own experiences and ideas, but try not to get drawn in. 

Okay, that makes sense. And I’ll admit that is far less dangerous than what I was imagining. I suppose my thinking snowballed from a slippery slope fallacy and equated showing your face and name with giving way more personal info.

Ultimately I personally disagree and still believe that is a bit too risky for me to do, but I understand why that would be important for you.

profdanger said:

So if you really are interested in opening up more about your private life to other Autistics online

That’s not the point. All I would like is to have a choice about using my real first name and my own face. It is not about revealing deep personal secrets, since it would not be wise to do on a forum which is accessible to anyone who cares to look it up.

profdanger said:

I keep forgetting that you were in the Samaritans!

Heh, I don't expect you to remember, prof. 

Alexa said:

reported it to the NAS community manager

That is definitely the correct response.

I keep forgetting that you were in the Samaritans!

profdanger said:

I adamantly attempted to assist someone who seemed to be in suicidal distress, since I’ve got lots of experience with that.

so have I, but I'm not here as an ex-Samaritan (suicide listening service in the UK). When I spotted a case where the person was actively suicidal (you'll know what to look out for), I reported it to the NAS community manager, as it can only distress everyone else once someone is at that stage. 

Yeah it feels like they come in waves. I think you and I had the same approach when we started here: Trying to help everyone possible. But it’s totally exhausting to try and give advice to everyone when the big waves of “struggling posts” drop. Especially since many seem to just want to complain and are not actually looking for assistance or advice.

There’s a reason why there are so many mods on this forum lol. It’s not a job for just one of us, I’ve realized.

Me too.

When there are too many 'struggling' posts here in a short space of time, I find I can only respond to one or maybe two because I find it too emotionally exhausting to do more. 

profdanger said:

I tend to avoid threads on depression/suicide, even though I feel drawn towards giving assistance

We do need to look after ourselves too.

I have found it's something I've learnt over the years as caring for others can very much take a toll.

I don't know if this is an autistic thing but I find it very hard too to detach myself from the suffering of others including (or especially?) non human animals.

I feel nowadays that the more I give of myself, a little bit less of me is left.

B said:

Also, I found it hard to always be available for others no matter how much I cared.

Oh yeah, that in particular is something I struggle with. When I first jumped onto this forum I adamantly attempted to assist someone who seemed to be in suicidal distress, since I’ve got lots of experience with that. Unfortunately it lead to me just being anxious that they would message me at some weird time of day (especially since I’m in a radically different time zone) and I’d miss saving their life. I think they just trickled off this site when they realized certain people weren’t paying enough attention to them.

Because of that, I tend to avoid threads on depression/suicide, even though I feel drawn towards giving assistance

Being a wary person when it comes to public online presence,  I’m content not to reveal my personal details here.

I don’t feel as if I’m masking or not being authentic as it’s obvious my choice of forum name and avatar isn’t revealing my identity. Moreover, I feel free to say what I want without hiding behind a non-autistic mask. I wouldn’t have been able to say everything that I have said if I’d revealed my name.

I haven’t used PM yet, but if I do, I would probably continue to use my forum name. Also, I would only PM people who have been on this forum for an extended period of time. Over the last couple of years, there have been comments from some members that they regret making personal contact because of the intensity of the messaging and for other reasons. 

profdanger said:

However again, even though it’s been proven there are wonderful, empathetic people on this forum, even among Autists there are horrible human beings. You are making a risk sharing personal information even with someone via private chats if you do not absolutely know who they are.

That can take its toll too.

When I was previously here I had friends and the conversations would at times make me very anxious indeed.

Some of the occurrences whilst having friends here include self-harm and death.

Also, I found it hard to always be available for others no matter how much I cared.

I think now that having friendships on the forum is a very big decision to make and one that I've decided against because of previous experiences.

Much of the sadness will always be with me as will some of the joy.

ps. I would never leave my PMs open to everyone (ie I would only open them up to friends), as I know of one person who did that and was besieged by abuse.

profdanger said:

she unfortunately had absolutely zero filter about her private life. It is likely the most extensive example of bullying imaginable, but while it’s easy to feel sorry for her on the surface, the more you dig into the details you are likely to realize that she has had so many opportunities to stop opening herself to abuse on the internet.

I think that illustrates why NAS probably has gone for a blanket ban.

If we are given a choice it might be a choice that leads to self harm.

I am still a little ambiguous about this but am leaning towards NAS's stance on this.

I'm sitting beside you this one B, for all that I share a lot about myself, I'm a very private person and I never say anything on here that I wouldn't be happy saying in any public space. I think my fear would be that as I'm not on any social media than here I wouldn't want stuff about me shared and discussed on other platforms that I don't know about. My family are aware of my feelings and don't tag me in anything, not that there are many photo's or anything of me because I hate being photographed so much.

Whilst I wish there was more space for conversations of interest to some of us, but get removed due to others finding it offensive or maybe causing harm, I do get that its a difficult boundary to make and all of us are vulnerable at certain times and about certain things. I do like that there's not the horribleness that infects so many sites and so much public discourse. I think the real answer is more ways to stop the armchair trolls, warriors and selfish nasty people from ruining it for everyone else.

So if you really are interested in opening up more about your private life to other Autistics online, we do have direct messaging on this forum. I’ve heard the mods have the ability to monitor DMs, but they’re unlikely to unless a user were to allege misuse of the service (such as someone harassing you through messages). Doing that would allow you to be “fully yourself,” yet also a bit safer.

However again, even though it’s been proven there are wonderful, empathetic people on this forum, even among Autists there are horrible human beings. You are making a risk sharing personal information even with someone via private chats if you do not absolutely know who they are.

For all you know, I could be a hacker that is posing as an innocent Autist to target vulnerable folk for identity theft. Yeah, my bio says I’m a 35 year old former professor in America, but do I have to tell the truth about that?

B said:

Seeing the awful things that some public figures are subjected to on social media I personally would be anxious to reveal my identity.

I do not recommend looking this up, but an infamous Autistic internet icon by the name of Chris-Chan had practically her entire life documented from the mid-2000s up until her recent prison stint and she unfortunately had absolutely zero filter about her private life. It is likely the most extensive example of bullying imaginable, but while it’s easy to feel sorry for her on the surface, the more you dig into the details you are likely to realize that she has had so many opportunities to stop opening herself to abuse on the internet. (Also, she made garbage life choices that can only be partially blamed on internet trolls)

With that in mind, I HIGHLY recommend never revealing personal information on the open internet. Even if you are a content creator, use a pseudonym. That way even if you do become a target of bullying, at least internet trolls can’t drop in on your public outings like they did to Chris-Chan.