I still wonder how neurotypical people do it. Even some neurodivergent people. Able to flow between a wide range of different conversations, retell stories from the past effortlessly, and still have presence in the moment to make more memories. Meanwhile I’m trying to log every conversation and remember to ask questions but not finding what to say that is my own.
the lonely thing is wishing to share and socialise like everyone else, and not knowing what the bridge is to do it, and feeling that this is your responsibility and your fault if you feel burnt out by the end of it. A pattern I notice is that people have the ability to storytell, and it feels sometimes that my head is too literal to do so, or there are so many things I simply do not know.
As a result, it feels hard to be spontaneous in conversation. I’m masking enough so I don’t show the “lacking common sense” that I have to protect myself from manipulation whilst trying to keep up a positive performance as if I am spontaneous.
I feel as if my homework is to study new things based on what people sat, whether I like it or not, so I can build up a database ready for the next conversation. but it’s as if I don’t quite have enough life experience every time I come into a conversation.
im very eager to be better at socialising, but at the same time, whilst I’m in it for long periods of time, I wish to get out of it.
i sometimes wonder what it would be like if I push the margin, whether I can push the margin, and whether if I pushed my social battery and let go of a lot of what I’m holding onto, whether that would help. Does letting go more of trying to hold control of myself help to be more socially present in the long run, even if it batters me down in the first few exposures. Does unmasked exposure therapy help in the long run? I really don’t want to be finding socialising this challenging in the future.
I might be in a prolonged period of burnout too and its taken a lot out .