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How to improve socialising

aurelis

I still wonder how neurotypical people do it. Even some neurodivergent people. Able to flow between a wide range of different conversations, retell stories from the past effortlessly, and still have presence in the moment to make more memories. Meanwhile I’m trying to log every conversation and remember to ask questions but not finding what to say that is my own. 

the lonely thing is wishing to share and socialise like everyone else, and not knowing what the bridge is to do it, and feeling that this is your responsibility and your fault if you feel burnt out by the end of it. A pattern I notice is that people have the ability to storytell, and it feels sometimes that my head is too literal to do so, or there are so many things I simply do not know.

As a result, it feels hard to be spontaneous in conversation. I’m masking enough so I don’t show the “lacking common sense” that I have to protect myself from manipulation whilst trying to keep up a positive performance as if I am spontaneous.

I feel as if my homework is to study new things based on what people sat, whether I like it or not, so I can build up a database ready for the next conversation. but it’s as if I don’t quite have enough life experience every time I come into a conversation.

im very eager to be better at socialising, but at the same time, whilst I’m in it for long periods of time, I wish to get out of it.

i sometimes wonder what it would be like if I push the margin, whether I can push the margin, and whether if I pushed my social battery and let go of a lot of what I’m holding onto, whether that would help. Does letting go more of trying to hold control of myself help to be more socially present in the long run, even if it batters me down in the first few exposures. Does unmasked exposure therapy help in the long run? I really don’t want to be finding socialising this challenging in the future.

I might be in a prolonged period of burnout too and its taken a lot out .

Parents

  • OK, first off, I don't have answers. I can tell the stories but |I know I add too much detail. Once I knew I was autitistic, that made sense to me, and I no longer feel guilty for doing it. Oh, I'll try to train myself not to do it, but I won't flail myself for failing. I now know my brain is wired differently and it's not personal failure. Just managing to attend a social event is a success, let alone taking part. 

    I can't do that stuff effortlessly, like so many others can. I don't even enjoy it, if it's just a bunch of people getting together for no particular reason. I prefer to attend small gatherings with a purpose - for example, to discuss a particular topic or play a board game. 

    When I read your post I thought you were being very hard on yourself. I know I can't do that effortless social thing and I'm happy if I can hold a conversation with one or two people. I love to watch birds but I'll never fly. Might it help if you just concentrated on doing one small thing, rather than everything. I know I often lag behind the conversation but I don't bother about that. I know there's no point bringing something up when the conversation has moved on, so I've learnt to jettison my witty remark or story, even if I end up looking dull. I can smile and sometimes I can ask someone how that (whatever it was) made them feel, and sometimes all they want is the chance to talk about themselves.

  • in reply to Alexa

    Thanks for sharing. I’ve known I’ve been autistic all my life, and all my life I’ve been trying to fight against it. So it’s a case where I cannot accept its limitations. Taking your analogy, I really want to believe I can fly. It’s hard for me not to be hard on myself, because it feels as if I really can.

    I just think about what you said about people want to talk about themselves as a main thing. Do you not feel you want to talk about yourself at all. I know that I find I let people talk about themselves, and it means I can coast whole conversations without saying anything about me. The only thing is that it adds to my feeling of alienation, as if I’m merely an observer of life. I just find it sad if people we are talking to don’t stop to give us space to share, you know (no matter how we sound if we do).

    but I agree with you. Socialising feels less rewarding than I think it should. I really want it to be satisfying and rewarding, it feels as if I’m missing on something, but then I do it and feel burnt out, or remain feeling out of place through the interaction (unless I find the “hit” spots that align with the other person. Then I get more pleasure from hitting the spots than getting something from the convo).

    mind you, today I allowed myself to pat myself on the bat for getting through a whole day of socializing, even though I felt slightly a passenger and also wiped out socially by the end of it.

    when you say one small thing, do you mean one small thing in a social situation rather than focus on lots of points?

  • in reply to aurelis
    aurelis said:
    when you say one small thing, do you mean one small thing in a social situation rather than focus on lots of points?

    I was thinking about social occasions like parties, rather than small gatherings of people who know each other well. I'm happy to talk about myself with small gatherings of friends. In larger social gatherings with people I don't know, I tend not to talk about myself, but I've noticed other people like to talk about themselves. That's fine, as it means I can listen. I always feel alienated in those sort of gatherings anyway.

    aurelis said:
    when you say one small thing, do you mean one small thing in a social situation rather than focus on lots of points?

    I mean focus on changing one thing at a time, rather than trying to improve everything you think you lack at the same time. 

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  • in reply to aurelis
    aurelis said:
    when you say one small thing, do you mean one small thing in a social situation rather than focus on lots of points?

    I was thinking about social occasions like parties, rather than small gatherings of people who know each other well. I'm happy to talk about myself with small gatherings of friends. In larger social gatherings with people I don't know, I tend not to talk about myself, but I've noticed other people like to talk about themselves. That's fine, as it means I can listen. I always feel alienated in those sort of gatherings anyway.

    aurelis said:
    when you say one small thing, do you mean one small thing in a social situation rather than focus on lots of points?

    I mean focus on changing one thing at a time, rather than trying to improve everything you think you lack at the same time. 

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