How to improve socialising

I still wonder how neurotypical people do it. Even some neurodivergent people. Able to flow between a wide range of different conversations, retell stories from the past effortlessly, and still have presence in the moment to make more memories. Meanwhile I’m trying to log every conversation and remember to ask questions but not finding what to say that is my own. 

the lonely thing is wishing to share and socialise like everyone else, and not knowing what the bridge is to do it, and feeling that this is your responsibility and your fault if you feel burnt out by the end of it. A pattern I notice is that people have the ability to storytell, and it feels sometimes that my head is too literal to do so, or there are so many things I simply do not know.

As a result, it feels hard to be spontaneous in conversation. I’m masking enough so I don’t show the “lacking common sense” that I have to protect myself from manipulation whilst trying to keep up a positive performance as if I am spontaneous.

I feel as if my homework is to study new things based on what people sat, whether I like it or not, so I can build up a database ready for the next conversation. but it’s as if I don’t quite have enough life experience every time I come into a conversation.

im very eager to be better at socialising, but at the same time, whilst I’m in it for long periods of time, I wish to get out of it.

i sometimes wonder what it would be like if I push the margin, whether I can push the margin, and whether if I pushed my social battery and let go of a lot of what I’m holding onto, whether that would help. Does letting go more of trying to hold control of myself help to be more socially present in the long run, even if it batters me down in the first few exposures. Does unmasked exposure therapy help in the long run? I really don’t want to be finding socialising this challenging in the future.

I might be in a prolonged period of burnout too and its taken a lot out .

Parents
  • Perhaps you are trying too hard? I know that I have close to zero abilities in telling jokes, I often lose the plot-line, the structure seems too constrained - it seems that the effort I have to put in, in a way, short-circuits the humour. However, in situations and during conversations I can come up with remarks that others find hilarious. These 'witticisms' are intentional on my part, but they arise spontaneously, they are not the result of effort. This may be a sort of parallel to your socialising problems, are you trying so hard not to make 'mistakes' that you are not coming across as being personable and easy to talk to and, indeed, not enjoying yourself either?

  • Interesting point. So I was out with my partner and friends on Saturday, and found that I had comments that I wanted to say based on a show we watched come up spontaneously. sometimes I said it and other times I didn’t. I realized that block when I was about to say it. 

    I think I am trying really hard to be “stable” and “balanced”. I haven’t got a consistent job, and my work ethic towards looking for work isn’t there, and I live at home. So I see that as a failure in the eyes of society, atleast that’s how I’m seeing it. I see how up and down I am emotionally, so I try to hide that when I meet with people, so people can see I’m like everyone else. That clouds a lot of my thinking. Often I feel disconnected from the real world, so I want to mask so I look more connected than I am.

    so I don’t enjoy socialising so much when I have that always in mind. I feel like a disappointment trying to appear like I’ve got it together, and if anything, more muted as a person.

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  • Interesting point. So I was out with my partner and friends on Saturday, and found that I had comments that I wanted to say based on a show we watched come up spontaneously. sometimes I said it and other times I didn’t. I realized that block when I was about to say it. 

    I think I am trying really hard to be “stable” and “balanced”. I haven’t got a consistent job, and my work ethic towards looking for work isn’t there, and I live at home. So I see that as a failure in the eyes of society, atleast that’s how I’m seeing it. I see how up and down I am emotionally, so I try to hide that when I meet with people, so people can see I’m like everyone else. That clouds a lot of my thinking. Often I feel disconnected from the real world, so I want to mask so I look more connected than I am.

    so I don’t enjoy socialising so much when I have that always in mind. I feel like a disappointment trying to appear like I’ve got it together, and if anything, more muted as a person.

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