HELP- Being in a relationship with someone with autism

I too was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for 20 years. We met when I was 19, and loved how focused his attention was on me. We were happy for a few years, but the difficulties really began once we had children. He could never really accept that their needs had to come first, and that if he shared this load with me, I would then have more time for him. I too gradually lost my sense of self, and was slowly more controlled by him, not wanting to provoke him into a sulk where he wouldn't speak, or would take his anger out on the children.I too felt unloved and ignored with similar behaviour when I was upset with him just ignoring me and carrying on with what he was doing. He didn't really understand the give and take of emotional support in a relationship. Things finally came to a head when our son became seriously depressed due to failling to cope at mainstream secondary, and was diagnosed with Aspergers. My exhusband took to spending more and more time with a married "friend" of ours, and was prioritising her needs over his sons. He was physically affectionate with her in front of me and the children, but insisted that they were just friends and I was being jealous.I think that he could not see he was having an affair, as they had not actually had sex.

Anyway we separated a year ago, and my house is much calmer, he had problems controlling his anger and was physically aggressive to my older child. My son is much happier, and I feel like I can begin to stretch my wings again, no more being told off for having interests other than him. I would worry that the man you are in a relationship with, could well be doing the same to his wife, and may not realise or accept that he is having an affair. 

It will be hard as you care for him so much, but I would walk away. You are still very young, and whilst I accept it must be difficult with your disabilities,there are plenty of people who would accept you for what you are. I feel very strongly that by staying in this relationship you will be causing yourself more hurt, as well as his wife. Please try and move on....I wish someone had been able to say this to me, and that I would have been able to accept it ,many years ago. Be brave, and good luck.

missjayne said:

but when I ask about him leaving her, he changes the subject or gets defensive of her and the reasons why he should stay explaining the situation as ‘complicated’

Read this and ask yourself or a friend what this means. I can only interpret it one way.

Walk away from him.

I'm not sure how that works. That's like him saying that he thinks that marriage isn't a permanent, 24 hour, arrangement. It sounds like a lame attempt at a joke that he didn't expect someone to write down.

Hi MissJayne

Thought I'd just throw something else into the mix.  As it so happens I'm reading a book on counselling people with autism (long story, but very few counsellors are trained in this field, so thought I'd read up on it).  anyway, the writer recalls an incident, similar to yours, where a man with aspergers is having an affair, yet sees nothing wrong with it.  It turned out that because he had never been asked the question "are you having an affair" by his wife, he thought that it was okay.  His definition of an affair was blinded by the fact that he could not see it from the other persons perspective.

Might be worth asking this man what he understands by "an affair".  

Some autistic men are capable of being good faithful partners and parents, some are not. There are the same variations as in NT people.

In this case he has proved that he can't be trusted and won't commit to the new relationship.

1. Walk away

2. Walk away

3. See item #1

Hello Hotel California, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post, it means a lot to me.  Thank you for also sharing your story i cant imagine how difficult that must have been for you to live through, never mind write out for me. 

As I was reading your post I couldnt help but link it to my own and see how similar things are, it is difficult sometimes to get him to show any kind of love towards me unless its about sex and then he seems to be more interested, like a simple gesture like holdng my hand seemed impossible to do, unless i did it first. 

I know why you are telling me this, and i am so grateful that you are able to share your experience. I know that being in a relationship with him when he is married seems like a bad idea from the start, I've been told many times to walk away but I always find it too difficult. I tried to before but surprisingly he got upset and was able to persuade me that it would work out. 

Maybe this relationship will be harder than I first thought, hopefully by hearing your story I might be able to not lose sight of myself... or maybe I might realise I'm not cut out for this and hope he will understand. 

Either way, thank you so much. 

Hi missjayne

There is an old saying that if a man will cheat on his wife he will cheat on you.  How can you trust him?  

I was in a long term relationship with a man with what I suspect is autism, both son's have it too.  I took me a, long time to realise that by the time out relationship ended I was a very different person.  When we  meet I was successful in work, outgoing, spontaneous and enjoyed life.  After many years I lost most of my friends, even family.  I had little to no social life.  In essence little but little I was being controlled.  Either deliberately or because of his needs I don't know.  He always came first and would get moody and have tantrums if his needs weren't meet.  At the time I mistook this for him wanting to be with me but now realise that true love can only survive if each respects the needs of the other.

Looking back the most painful feelings were times when I needed hugs that just didn't happen unless I asked.  I remember one night sobbing in bed.  I had had a difficult day and evening with the kids and was missing my mum.  She has died a few years earlier, I 'remember him walking into the bedroom and said "why are you crying?"  I said I missed my mum.  He said "oh" and walked out and shut the door and went to play a computer game.  I felt rejected and wondered if I was being over dramatic.

You see I gradually lost my bearings.

I would also be careful that he doesn't 'resent you if he leaves his wife.  My ex continues to do whatever he can to hurt me, not in a physical way, but in ways that get my attention.  Sad really, but price I pay for not playing his game.

So in essence, my advice is run for the hills and don't look back.  Find a man who in the first instance isn't married.

However as I write this I have a feeling you will fall for him charm and want to care for him nevertheless.  

Hope you are a strong person, I thought I was.