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HELP- Being in a relationship with someone with autism

missjayne

Hello, before I start I just wanted to apologise in advance if there already has been a similar post to this one.

I’m in need of some guidance or support and I’ve heard this is an excellent place to receive it- so please if you don’t mind reading and giving your advice it will be GREATLY appreciated.

 

Being only 21 and living with a physical disability, (spastic deplegia cerebral palsy) I am a little inexperienced with relationships as my elders and even with people my own age… I mean I’ve had relationships but they always end badly mostly because of my ‘limitations’ and my own anxiety.

 

When D came over and spoke to me last year, I Instantly fell in love with him. As well as being able to accept my disabilitity and complex medical conditions, and treat me like I'm the only thing that matters to him,  unlike the other boyfriends I've had, He also has so many more wonderful traits. Of course back then I didn’t know that he was on the autistic spectrum. Being a social work student having spent a lot of time with autistic children I was able to piece that together myself after a few times of seeing him.  He was quite open about the fact he had autism when I questioned him, and I would never stop wanting to see him for that reason. 

D has always been as honest as he can about everything, including the fact he was married… I know some people reading this may think that I’m in the wrong for pursuing this relationship knowing this, I completely understand the issues that continuing may cause. D explained that he doesn’t love his wife and would like to be in a relationship with me, but when I ask about him leaving her, he changes the subject or gets defensive of her and the reasons why he should stay explaining the situation as ‘complicated’

 

I’ve heard from a lot of people about people with autism not being able to understand the feelings/meanings associated with an emotion such as love to the point where it is just a word- I thought maybe this is the case here, where he can’t relate to the feelings associated with the word and he just says it because he thinks he should. I was wondering also if anyone has any experience of people on the autistic spectrum being attached/scared to let go? I know he wants to be in a relationship with me (as he keeps saying) but he won’t leave her or give up time from work to see me- I know that in some people they like routine, how can I try and help him change this so it benefits us both as a couple?

 

Truthfully, I’m looking for anyone who has been in or is still in a relationship with someone with autism to help me out, I love him greatly, I wouldn’t change him for the world, I just wish I could understand autism a bit more, and how it plays a part in real life circumstances rather than searching through text books and feeling more like his social worker than someone who would hope to be his wife in the future. (yes, I do love him that much)

Parents

  • Hi missjayne

    There is an old saying that if a man will cheat on his wife he will cheat on you.  How can you trust him?  

    I was in a long term relationship with a man with what I suspect is autism, both son's have it too.  I took me a, long time to realise that by the time out relationship ended I was a very different person.  When we  meet I was successful in work, outgoing, spontaneous and enjoyed life.  After many years I lost most of my friends, even family.  I had little to no social life.  In essence little but little I was being controlled.  Either deliberately or because of his needs I don't know.  He always came first and would get moody and have tantrums if his needs weren't meet.  At the time I mistook this for him wanting to be with me but now realise that true love can only survive if each respects the needs of the other.

    Looking back the most painful feelings were times when I needed hugs that just didn't happen unless I asked.  I remember one night sobbing in bed.  I had had a difficult day and evening with the kids and was missing my mum.  She has died a few years earlier, I 'remember him walking into the bedroom and said "why are you crying?"  I said I missed my mum.  He said "oh" and walked out and shut the door and went to play a computer game.  I felt rejected and wondered if I was being over dramatic.

    You see I gradually lost my bearings.

    I would also be careful that he doesn't 'resent you if he leaves his wife.  My ex continues to do whatever he can to hurt me, not in a physical way, but in ways that get my attention.  Sad really, but price I pay for not playing his game.

    So in essence, my advice is run for the hills and don't look back.  Find a man who in the first instance isn't married.

    However as I write this I have a feeling you will fall for him charm and want to care for him nevertheless.  

    Hope you are a strong person, I thought I was.

Reply

  • Hi missjayne

    There is an old saying that if a man will cheat on his wife he will cheat on you.  How can you trust him?  

    I was in a long term relationship with a man with what I suspect is autism, both son's have it too.  I took me a, long time to realise that by the time out relationship ended I was a very different person.  When we  meet I was successful in work, outgoing, spontaneous and enjoyed life.  After many years I lost most of my friends, even family.  I had little to no social life.  In essence little but little I was being controlled.  Either deliberately or because of his needs I don't know.  He always came first and would get moody and have tantrums if his needs weren't meet.  At the time I mistook this for him wanting to be with me but now realise that true love can only survive if each respects the needs of the other.

    Looking back the most painful feelings were times when I needed hugs that just didn't happen unless I asked.  I remember one night sobbing in bed.  I had had a difficult day and evening with the kids and was missing my mum.  She has died a few years earlier, I 'remember him walking into the bedroom and said "why are you crying?"  I said I missed my mum.  He said "oh" and walked out and shut the door and went to play a computer game.  I felt rejected and wondered if I was being over dramatic.

    You see I gradually lost my bearings.

    I would also be careful that he doesn't 'resent you if he leaves his wife.  My ex continues to do whatever he can to hurt me, not in a physical way, but in ways that get my attention.  Sad really, but price I pay for not playing his game.

    So in essence, my advice is run for the hills and don't look back.  Find a man who in the first instance isn't married.

    However as I write this I have a feeling you will fall for him charm and want to care for him nevertheless.  

    Hope you are a strong person, I thought I was.

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