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HELP- Being in a relationship with someone with autism

missjayne

Hello, before I start I just wanted to apologise in advance if there already has been a similar post to this one.

I’m in need of some guidance or support and I’ve heard this is an excellent place to receive it- so please if you don’t mind reading and giving your advice it will be GREATLY appreciated.

 

Being only 21 and living with a physical disability, (spastic deplegia cerebral palsy) I am a little inexperienced with relationships as my elders and even with people my own age… I mean I’ve had relationships but they always end badly mostly because of my ‘limitations’ and my own anxiety.

 

When D came over and spoke to me last year, I Instantly fell in love with him. As well as being able to accept my disabilitity and complex medical conditions, and treat me like I'm the only thing that matters to him,  unlike the other boyfriends I've had, He also has so many more wonderful traits. Of course back then I didn’t know that he was on the autistic spectrum. Being a social work student having spent a lot of time with autistic children I was able to piece that together myself after a few times of seeing him.  He was quite open about the fact he had autism when I questioned him, and I would never stop wanting to see him for that reason. 

D has always been as honest as he can about everything, including the fact he was married… I know some people reading this may think that I’m in the wrong for pursuing this relationship knowing this, I completely understand the issues that continuing may cause. D explained that he doesn’t love his wife and would like to be in a relationship with me, but when I ask about him leaving her, he changes the subject or gets defensive of her and the reasons why he should stay explaining the situation as ‘complicated’

 

I’ve heard from a lot of people about people with autism not being able to understand the feelings/meanings associated with an emotion such as love to the point where it is just a word- I thought maybe this is the case here, where he can’t relate to the feelings associated with the word and he just says it because he thinks he should. I was wondering also if anyone has any experience of people on the autistic spectrum being attached/scared to let go? I know he wants to be in a relationship with me (as he keeps saying) but he won’t leave her or give up time from work to see me- I know that in some people they like routine, how can I try and help him change this so it benefits us both as a couple?

 

Truthfully, I’m looking for anyone who has been in or is still in a relationship with someone with autism to help me out, I love him greatly, I wouldn’t change him for the world, I just wish I could understand autism a bit more, and how it plays a part in real life circumstances rather than searching through text books and feeling more like his social worker than someone who would hope to be his wife in the future. (yes, I do love him that much)

Parents

  • I too was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for 20 years. We met when I was 19, and loved how focused his attention was on me. We were happy for a few years, but the difficulties really began once we had children. He could never really accept that their needs had to come first, and that if he shared this load with me, I would then have more time for him. I too gradually lost my sense of self, and was slowly more controlled by him, not wanting to provoke him into a sulk where he wouldn't speak, or would take his anger out on the children.I too felt unloved and ignored with similar behaviour when I was upset with him just ignoring me and carrying on with what he was doing. He didn't really understand the give and take of emotional support in a relationship. Things finally came to a head when our son became seriously depressed due to failling to cope at mainstream secondary, and was diagnosed with Aspergers. My exhusband took to spending more and more time with a married "friend" of ours, and was prioritising her needs over his sons. He was physically affectionate with her in front of me and the children, but insisted that they were just friends and I was being jealous.I think that he could not see he was having an affair, as they had not actually had sex.

    Anyway we separated a year ago, and my house is much calmer, he had problems controlling his anger and was physically aggressive to my older child. My son is much happier, and I feel like I can begin to stretch my wings again, no more being told off for having interests other than him. I would worry that the man you are in a relationship with, could well be doing the same to his wife, and may not realise or accept that he is having an affair. 

    It will be hard as you care for him so much, but I would walk away. You are still very young, and whilst I accept it must be difficult with your disabilities,there are plenty of people who would accept you for what you are. I feel very strongly that by staying in this relationship you will be causing yourself more hurt, as well as his wife. Please try and move on....I wish someone had been able to say this to me, and that I would have been able to accept it ,many years ago. Be brave, and good luck.

Reply

  • I too was married to a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for 20 years. We met when I was 19, and loved how focused his attention was on me. We were happy for a few years, but the difficulties really began once we had children. He could never really accept that their needs had to come first, and that if he shared this load with me, I would then have more time for him. I too gradually lost my sense of self, and was slowly more controlled by him, not wanting to provoke him into a sulk where he wouldn't speak, or would take his anger out on the children.I too felt unloved and ignored with similar behaviour when I was upset with him just ignoring me and carrying on with what he was doing. He didn't really understand the give and take of emotional support in a relationship. Things finally came to a head when our son became seriously depressed due to failling to cope at mainstream secondary, and was diagnosed with Aspergers. My exhusband took to spending more and more time with a married "friend" of ours, and was prioritising her needs over his sons. He was physically affectionate with her in front of me and the children, but insisted that they were just friends and I was being jealous.I think that he could not see he was having an affair, as they had not actually had sex.

    Anyway we separated a year ago, and my house is much calmer, he had problems controlling his anger and was physically aggressive to my older child. My son is much happier, and I feel like I can begin to stretch my wings again, no more being told off for having interests other than him. I would worry that the man you are in a relationship with, could well be doing the same to his wife, and may not realise or accept that he is having an affair. 

    It will be hard as you care for him so much, but I would walk away. You are still very young, and whilst I accept it must be difficult with your disabilities,there are plenty of people who would accept you for what you are. I feel very strongly that by staying in this relationship you will be causing yourself more hurt, as well as his wife. Please try and move on....I wish someone had been able to say this to me, and that I would have been able to accept it ,many years ago. Be brave, and good luck.

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