Kids can be cruel

Yeah, I'm sorry for your daughter, like you I got bullied a lot throughout my school years by anyone and everyone. I had a whole catalogue of differences, plus the ones I didn't really understand back then, and I didn't try to blend in either. It was hard, like water eroding a rock, every splash would take a little more away till all you have left is a tiny fragment of self (indeed I gave up on self esteem entirely, it seemed like a small act of rebellion that if you didn't bother to pick yourself back up then you couldn't be pushed down again. I didn't realise that would be problematic too as I still struggle to have any value.) 

It is a great terror that my son starts high school next year, as it is known to be rough towards those that stand out, and he is very much like me. I don't want him to suffer like I did, so I do my best to give him what fortitude I can for the time being. We talk regularly, so they can share their problems with me at least, which helps shoulder that weight. I did my best to cover it all over and hide it, which again I know isn't good, so they can benefit from my mistakes at least!

I was considering your proposition, of training for neurotypical people, for instance in schools. I can't decide, the benefits would be the potential for understanding, but I also fear being seen by others, would it just be another thing to be different and bullied with? It's a conundrum!

Cinnabar_wing said:

It is a great terror that my son starts high school next year, as it is known to be rough towards those that stand out,

1. Would he try martial arts training? At the dojo he would learn defence but also tolerance and how to control anger. My brother was bullied very badly until he became a yellow belt Aikido. When he took up a stance, bullies left him alone - he also learned to ignore cowardly distance jeering - so they gave up.

2. I was better off at my comprehensive, where bullying was not being asked to join in. I focussed on study and reading [in the library], joining weekend interest groups so I had something to look forward to every weekend. I was good at javelin also volunteered to be 'goalie' [few wanted this role!] so was respected for these sports. So, encourage skills or sporting prowess and focus on those.

3. It's worth remembering, many bullies were bullied by their parents. This is a form of 'revenge.' Try this as a psychological shield; empathy is difficult in these circumstances but can take off heat - and the belief he is being targetted: 

4. bullies attack those who look vulnerable and won't fight back, particularly those on their own. Befriend likeminded pupils, so they can go around in a group. Also, walk in a confident manner even when you don't feel confident inside.

5. NEVER suffer in silence - share with teachers, school counsellor or someone known to be trustworthy. I believe some schools have 'Guardians' - mature pupils trained to spot instances of bullying. If these things do not exist in his new school, perhaps you can talk to the head about what schemes are in place? It is a legal requirement for schools to have anti bullying measures.

Thank you so much for the tips Marianne72 ,

1. My daughter did some Judo at one point. Though I'm not sure if this would be bad for my son's joints -he's a bit hypermobile with his elbows especially? I can look around and see if there is something that might be suitable though and do some research. Whether he'll go or not is a different story, but I might keep it as an option!
2. He's a mixed bag with sports -he has fantastic hand-eye co-ordination but lacks physical coordination to run well. He isn't big into football, but I did see him being goalie (I volunteer at the school at break times). He also does have that autistic sense of justice and volunteer as referee and get into arguments with others. You don't want to tell him that's an unpopular position to put yourself in, but I don't think it helps his cause sometimes though I also don't want to discourage. He's tended to prefer solo sports like tennis and swimming, though he did play hockey last year, so he's not averse to team sports now.
3. I think this will be more one for helping deal with it after it happens, good to have in the bag.
4. Will have to wait till he starts high school -there is only one other boy in his school going up who hasn't always hang around him. He does know another boy from the sister-rural school, and another from hockey/chanter, but he won't know the vast majority of those in his year. Fingers crossed he can hopefully make friends.
5. Yeah, I think that the high school might even have a room to go for neurodivergent pupils, and now he's diagnosed he should hopefully have access to it. What help the school can be is varied, when it's physical assault afterschool they can't do much, though as he'll be getting the school bus back, hopefully there is less opportunity for it. It is better I think now at least then in my day, at least you don't get in trouble for reporting it.

He has other things going for him which might help, he plays electric guitar, likes metal bands like Linkin Park, has taken up archery and is amazing with technology and often helps others with their ICT issues. And he's a big gamer, which is socially acceptable for his age group, so he does have a much better chance of fitting in then I did. In some ways the small rural school has sheltered him, but it is noted by other parents that it can be culture shock to go to the big high school then. I am trying to not panic, he might not have it too bad. But I'm totally prepared to homeschool him if it doesn't work out. 

It sounds as if there are positive factors, including skills/talents that potentially can lead to friendships and also kudos among his peers. These things will lessen the risk of bullying.

Cinnabar_wing said:

I'm totally prepared to homeschool him if it doesn't work out. 

Yes, be comforted by that option. And press the school to do their part, bringing in your MP if you need to. Perhaps you can connect with other parents in a similar position and have a support group. Good luck! 

It sounds as if there are positive factors, including skills/talents that potentially can lead to friendships and also kudos among his peers. These things will lessen the risk of bullying.

Cinnabar_wing said:

I'm totally prepared to homeschool him if it doesn't work out. 

Yes, be comforted by that option. And press the school to do their part, bringing in your MP if you need to. Perhaps you can connect with other parents in a similar position and have a support group. Good luck!