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Kids can be cruel

Cloudbaby1975

Hello folks. Just wanted to share with you all.  My daughter who is waiting for an autism diagnosis has struggled with bullying through secondary school and now it’s happening at college too. She speaks without thinking how her audience might take what she has said and then boom she gets ostracised. It’s so tiring. I am also waiting for a diagnosis and it pretty much mirrors my experience of school years and onwards! The good news is she has some lovely friends who accept her for who she is and me to guide her. I spent a life time thinking that I needed to keep my mouth shut or suffer this kind of nonsense. These days I’ve stopped masking as it’s too exhausting and I feel so much happier. I’m hoping I can encourage her to do the same. Also as a therapist I have been reflecting that teaching autistic people social skills can feel a little insulting and misses the point really. Maybe neurotypical people need this training? What do you think? 

Parents

  • Yeah, I'm sorry for your daughter, like you I got bullied a lot throughout my school years by anyone and everyone. I had a whole catalogue of differences, plus the ones I didn't really understand back then, and I didn't try to blend in either. It was hard, like water eroding a rock, every splash would take a little more away till all you have left is a tiny fragment of self (indeed I gave up on self esteem entirely, it seemed like a small act of rebellion that if you didn't bother to pick yourself back up then you couldn't be pushed down again. I didn't realise that would be problematic too as I still struggle to have any value.) 

    It is a great terror that my son starts high school next year, as it is known to be rough towards those that stand out, and he is very much like me. I don't want him to suffer like I did, so I do my best to give him what fortitude I can for the time being. We talk regularly, so they can share their problems with me at least, which helps shoulder that weight. I did my best to cover it all over and hide it, which again I know isn't good, so they can benefit from my mistakes at least!

    I was considering your proposition, of training for neurotypical people, for instance in schools. I can't decide, the benefits would be the potential for understanding, but I also fear being seen by others, would it just be another thing to be different and bullied with? It's a conundrum!

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    It is a great terror that my son starts high school next year, as it is known to be rough towards those that stand out,

    1. Would he try martial arts training? At the dojo he would learn defence but also tolerance and how to control anger. My brother was bullied very badly until he became a yellow belt Aikido. When he took up a stance, bullies left him alone - he also learned to ignore cowardly distance jeering - so they gave up.

    2. I was better off at my comprehensive, where bullying was not being asked to join in. I focussed on study and reading [in the library], joining weekend interest groups so I had something to look forward to every weekend. I was good at javelin also volunteered to be 'goalie' [few wanted this role!] so was respected for these sports. So, encourage skills or sporting prowess and focus on those.

    3. It's worth remembering, many bullies were bullied by their parents. This is a form of 'revenge.' Try this as a psychological shield; empathy is difficult in these circumstances but can take off heat - and the belief he is being targetted: 

    4. bullies attack those who look vulnerable and won't fight back, particularly those on their own. Befriend likeminded pupils, so they can go around in a group. Also, walk in a confident manner even when you don't feel confident inside.

    5. NEVER suffer in silence - share with teachers, school counsellor or someone known to be trustworthy. I believe some schools have 'Guardians' - mature pupils trained to spot instances of bullying. If these things do not exist in his new school, perhaps you can talk to the head about what schemes are in place? It is a legal requirement for schools to have anti bullying measures.

Reply
  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    It is a great terror that my son starts high school next year, as it is known to be rough towards those that stand out,

    1. Would he try martial arts training? At the dojo he would learn defence but also tolerance and how to control anger. My brother was bullied very badly until he became a yellow belt Aikido. When he took up a stance, bullies left him alone - he also learned to ignore cowardly distance jeering - so they gave up.

    2. I was better off at my comprehensive, where bullying was not being asked to join in. I focussed on study and reading [in the library], joining weekend interest groups so I had something to look forward to every weekend. I was good at javelin also volunteered to be 'goalie' [few wanted this role!] so was respected for these sports. So, encourage skills or sporting prowess and focus on those.

    3. It's worth remembering, many bullies were bullied by their parents. This is a form of 'revenge.' Try this as a psychological shield; empathy is difficult in these circumstances but can take off heat - and the belief he is being targetted: 

    4. bullies attack those who look vulnerable and won't fight back, particularly those on their own. Befriend likeminded pupils, so they can go around in a group. Also, walk in a confident manner even when you don't feel confident inside.

    5. NEVER suffer in silence - share with teachers, school counsellor or someone known to be trustworthy. I believe some schools have 'Guardians' - mature pupils trained to spot instances of bullying. If these things do not exist in his new school, perhaps you can talk to the head about what schemes are in place? It is a legal requirement for schools to have anti bullying measures.

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