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Say what you mean & Mean what you say - Or is it just me ??

Literal_Joe

I've long known that I'm very direct and blunt when I communicate, but didn't fully realise until my diagnosis that this is most likely due to my autism. Has anybody else had the same experience??

It not only baffles me, but it actually quite annoys me, when people don't say what they actually mean. I've now briefly read about the 'high-context' and 'low-context' cultures, and according to that, I really shouldn't be British !!

An extract from this says "We rely on nuance, tone and context to convey meaning. We rarely say exactly what we think. Avoiding conflict is a priority in British culture; directness is often seen as impolite or confrontational" 

It's bizarre to me that what people say, particularly in response to on-the-spot questions, is often not what they really mean or think.

I have struggled with this difference for many many years, but perhaps now it can start to make more sense ??!!

  • Watching the tv series Drop the Dead Donkey gave me a love of calling a spade a manually opperated digging implement, but calling it a spade is so much easier and simpler. Sometimes you do have to be a bit more subtle and roundabout how you say things, ask for things etc, but I'm quite a blunt person too, or so I've been told? I think theres a time for both ways of speaking.

  • in reply to Literal_Joe
    Literal_Joe said:
    Her reply was, essentially, "we're too different and would clash too hard for that" 

    That is one of the polite ways of dumping someone. I've been reading up on this and doing it with the dates I don't think will work for me.

    Literal_Joe said:
    A few days later I'm spending time with her and I bring it up ... She says "you didn't ask me out" 

    I would have pointed out her previous message and say "you said no as clear as day. Why are you doing this to me now?"

    She needed a reality check as she has effectively had "sellers remorse" as she may have had someone else in the wings for a relationship but they just dumped her too and she wanted to try to get back with you.

    This would be my understanding based on what you wrote.

    This is part of the reason I'm struggling with the morality of parallel dating - I can be having a great time with 3 or 4 people but I'm feeling guilty when doing it as I feel like I am giving most of them false hope. What happens when it gets to the sex stage - obviously protection will be used but that level of intimacy feels wrong to share with more than one partner for me (well unless it is a pre-agreed group thing which is a different story).

  • in reply to Iain

    Don't get me started on this!!

    Recently I'd been spending some time with a girl I like, so text and said "I'd like to explore something more between us, but that would need you to want that too" ... Her reply was, essentially, "we're too different and would clash too hard for that" 

    A few days later I'm spending time with her and I bring it up ... She says "you didn't ask me out"   Ok woman tone2

  • Literal_Joe said:
    An extract from this says "We rely on nuance, tone and context to convey meaning. We rarely say exactly what we think.

    I'm going through a phase of dating using dating apps just now and meeting a lot of women with the intention of setting up a long term relationship and this is a minefield for these subtleties of communication.

    i have adopted a tactic where I will say up front that here is what I am looking for, here are my "characteristics" (brief status, history and how I communicate) and I make it clear that I want clear, open and honest conversations - no bull about wanting one thing while trying to steer me towards something else etc.

    When I demonstrate this in the conversations then I think they have been so used to the other NT men on the app messing them about that it is refreshing for them and it gives them a different perspective into how a well communicated "courtship" can be.

    There is space in this world to ask for clear communication at an individual level but in teams or less familiar individuals there will always be this quagmire or subtleties to wade through.

    Wherever possible asking for clear and direct communication is my approach and if I am unsure of something then I ask "in the interests of clarity" until the other person gives in and is direct. I think they benefit from it as much as I do so they just need to get over their habit and hopefully they also start to realise how stupid their habit is.

    I did study up on a lot of this interaction protocol years ago and knowing it can be tremendously useful especially when dealing with strangers or even watching a film that uses this as a story mechanism.

    It is pretty straightforward to learn and a few months of observation can help you get used to it. After that you have the skills so you can understand what is being said but retain your authentic style in communicating back to them. 

  • in reply to Literal_Joe
    Literal_Joe said:
    I'm curious as to whether my unwillingness to 'do the dance' around communication is due to my autism

    Yes.

    I'm just saying I have learnt the patterns. But 30 years ago the whole thing was a lot more confusing, I have adapted.

    I also think communication has changed due to the internet, social media and more text based communication. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    We are all different, but I'm curious as to whether my unwillingness to 'do the dance' around communication is due to my autism. I think it is.

    Inauthenticity is something that really grates on me, and to me just about any and all inauthentic communication is completely unnecessary ... Just say what you actually mean !!

  • in reply to B

    I think so.

    But it depends on what we are talking about.

    Newspapers, internet news, websites, instructions, people at work, emails, shops, government communications, etc. have more direct language for the reasons given, compared to 40 years ago. And particularly compared to 100 or more years ago. Which is the cultural point in the article.

    I don't talk to that many people and if you mean close friends and relatives, then maybe you are right. But I don't speak to many of them, so I don't see it very often. I used to struggle with my partner a long time ago, but that is pretty common. Sometimes I am confused by my parents.

    Like I said, a lack of directness is often when the subject is awkward or sensitive, or a joke or sarcasm.

    If I don't understand anything now I just ask a question straight away. Maybe after all these years I just do it automatically as it saves a lot of effort.

    I suppose everyday phrases like "How are you", "See you later" are just greetings or ways to say goodbye mostly.

    Maybe I have just matched most of the patterns.

  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    More direct language is more common.

    Is it?

  • No it's not just you.

    I actually said in my assessment:

    'Why can't people say what they mean and mean what they say'.

    As communication difficulties are a major part of diagnosis it's not surprising that we struggle when people aren't straightforward in their speech.

    Interesting topic. I hadn't known about the context cultures.

    Thank you for sharing. 

  • The context bit means if you ask, "Are things ok?".

    You get, "They could be better," not , "No, it's all crap."

    It is about understatement.

    But a lot of this traditional approach is going or gone as it is not multicultural. More direct language is more common. Plain English campaigns have also helped.

    But sarcasm is common, as are jokes. And people still try to be polite and not offend people but avoiding being too direct about things they don't want.