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Say what you mean & Mean what you say - Or is it just me ??

Literal_Joe

I've long known that I'm very direct and blunt when I communicate, but didn't fully realise until my diagnosis that this is most likely due to my autism. Has anybody else had the same experience??

It not only baffles me, but it actually quite annoys me, when people don't say what they actually mean. I've now briefly read about the 'high-context' and 'low-context' cultures, and according to that, I really shouldn't be British !!

An extract from this says "We rely on nuance, tone and context to convey meaning. We rarely say exactly what we think. Avoiding conflict is a priority in British culture; directness is often seen as impolite or confrontational" 

It's bizarre to me that what people say, particularly in response to on-the-spot questions, is often not what they really mean or think.

I have struggled with this difference for many many years, but perhaps now it can start to make more sense ??!!

Parents
  • Literal_Joe said:
    An extract from this says "We rely on nuance, tone and context to convey meaning. We rarely say exactly what we think.

    I'm going through a phase of dating using dating apps just now and meeting a lot of women with the intention of setting up a long term relationship and this is a minefield for these subtleties of communication.

    i have adopted a tactic where I will say up front that here is what I am looking for, here are my "characteristics" (brief status, history and how I communicate) and I make it clear that I want clear, open and honest conversations - no bull about wanting one thing while trying to steer me towards something else etc.

    When I demonstrate this in the conversations then I think they have been so used to the other NT men on the app messing them about that it is refreshing for them and it gives them a different perspective into how a well communicated "courtship" can be.

    There is space in this world to ask for clear communication at an individual level but in teams or less familiar individuals there will always be this quagmire or subtleties to wade through.

    Wherever possible asking for clear and direct communication is my approach and if I am unsure of something then I ask "in the interests of clarity" until the other person gives in and is direct. I think they benefit from it as much as I do so they just need to get over their habit and hopefully they also start to realise how stupid their habit is.

    I did study up on a lot of this interaction protocol years ago and knowing it can be tremendously useful especially when dealing with strangers or even watching a film that uses this as a story mechanism.

    It is pretty straightforward to learn and a few months of observation can help you get used to it. After that you have the skills so you can understand what is being said but retain your authentic style in communicating back to them. 

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  • Literal_Joe said:
    An extract from this says "We rely on nuance, tone and context to convey meaning. We rarely say exactly what we think.

    I'm going through a phase of dating using dating apps just now and meeting a lot of women with the intention of setting up a long term relationship and this is a minefield for these subtleties of communication.

    i have adopted a tactic where I will say up front that here is what I am looking for, here are my "characteristics" (brief status, history and how I communicate) and I make it clear that I want clear, open and honest conversations - no bull about wanting one thing while trying to steer me towards something else etc.

    When I demonstrate this in the conversations then I think they have been so used to the other NT men on the app messing them about that it is refreshing for them and it gives them a different perspective into how a well communicated "courtship" can be.

    There is space in this world to ask for clear communication at an individual level but in teams or less familiar individuals there will always be this quagmire or subtleties to wade through.

    Wherever possible asking for clear and direct communication is my approach and if I am unsure of something then I ask "in the interests of clarity" until the other person gives in and is direct. I think they benefit from it as much as I do so they just need to get over their habit and hopefully they also start to realise how stupid their habit is.

    I did study up on a lot of this interaction protocol years ago and knowing it can be tremendously useful especially when dealing with strangers or even watching a film that uses this as a story mechanism.

    It is pretty straightforward to learn and a few months of observation can help you get used to it. After that you have the skills so you can understand what is being said but retain your authentic style in communicating back to them. 

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Don't get me started on this!!

    Recently I'd been spending some time with a girl I like, so text and said "I'd like to explore something more between us, but that would need you to want that too" ... Her reply was, essentially, "we're too different and would clash too hard for that" 

    A few days later I'm spending time with her and I bring it up ... She says "you didn't ask me out"   Ok woman tone2