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Not feeling good

aspiecharles

Hello, i wanted to write something to helpme try and conect with my emotions. I have difficulty knowing what they are at most times but these last few weeks have been so difficult for me to deal with and I don't understand my own emotions. I was in arelationship for 14 years and have had some problems caused by my aspergers but seemed to get through OK. my partner encouraged me to get tested for aspergers last year and it was discovered that I did have it. The diagnosis answered a lot of questions for us, one of which was the problems I was havingwith my sexual behaiour. My partner kept telling me that I seemed cold and uncaring during sex and that it was all very Spok like. Logical and planned. I also am very jumpy if anyone touches me when I'm not expecting it which put her off being spontanious towards me. she also said that there was no spark between us and when I approached her  to cuddle it was because I wanted to make love and not just for thae sake of cuddling. She couldn't respond to this as there had been no lead up to it. For about 4 years we had no sexual relationship at all and then other difficulties began when she became a musician and needed to spend hours in her studio making music. I am an artist but have not been able to work for a long time because of lack of money for materials, lack of space to work etc. We had to move into a council flat which is in the middle of nowhere and has no shops, liberaries, galleries etc, so I had nothing to do and nowhere to go during the day. The area is one of the most beautiful places in Cornwall on the roseland peninsula but there is nothing but water and boats and scenery. Just 2 weeks ago my partner made the descision that we should split up so that I could move to st Ives where I have family and friends involved in art. St Ives is a cornish town dedicated to modern art and has a huge art community. It sounds very positive but I have become very sad and hurt that we are splitting up. I have done nothing but cry for the last 2 weeks and on a few occasions become hysterical with grief. I feel so alone and abandened especially when my  partner talks about her new male friend who she has recently met online. He is younger than me, good looking, long black hair and is extremely intelligent. I feel like a nuiscence and a wast of space, and that they must want me out of the flat as soon as possible so they can get on with their own lives.I've become depressed now and have slowed down and become confused. I feel like there are too mmany thoughts going through my head and I can't controll them. I am already on high dose meds for depression and anxiety state but now I'm worse. I don't know what to do. All I want is someone to love me and accept me as I am. I am a very loyal person and have never hurt anyone in my life. I can't understand why people do . well sorry but i'm very tired now after taking strong sedatives so i'll have to leave this Thaks for listening. Much love.

  • One thing I notice about people on the AS spectrum (myself included) is we overthink.  Overthink to the point of getting depressed sometimes.  My brother, who is also on the spectrum, ended up so much in his own head that he started creating problems where there was none, which happens to people especially when we have problems reading body language, social cues, etc.  He would come home from work saying 'I've done such a bad job today, I messed up this, this person wasn't happy with me' and I ask him, did they actually say any of this to you?  The response is always no.  Even if he did mess it up it might've not been noticed.  It's easy to forget that people are thinking their own thing, it's so difficult for me to imagine that other people also have thoughts in their head, and they're not always about you.  Overthinking will drain you, tire you out, and make you feel even worse about yourself.

    I've had on and off depression for most of my life, and so did my grandmother.  We are both on the AS spectrum (well, not her anymore, she died from smoking related causes last year).  there were times I was, like, what's the point.  But now if I think that then I realise I've come so far in my life with this problem, what would be the point in giving up now.  I've been at the bottom and got through it, I can still continue on.  I've learned so much over the years too that things happen when you least expect it.  You will go out of your way to go find a partner but then you are concentrating on something else that's usually when it happens.  Nothing in life ever goes to plan.  And not always for the worst.  You have to learn to love yourself for who you are then it will be easier to let someone else into your life and you'll find you maybe more emoitionally stable for it.  If you rely on having a partner for emotional stability it's not going to end well.  You've already said positive things about yourself, that you're loyal, trusting, dependable maybe.  Focus on you for a while.  Get some support from the local GP (or here, keep talking to us, we'll listen :) and don't be critical of yourself.  Nothing 'should be' a certain way, so don't be hard on yourself, even though it can be very easy to be.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi Charles,

    I'm guessing that we are similar ages - I'm 56 and only got diagnosed 2 months ago. I bet I have gone through lots of similar issues as you over the years.

    I think your partner has ultimately done you a favour by getting you diagnosed! You now have more idea about who you really are! Before you were diagnosed you didn't really know what to fix in your relationships - now you can get some insight and make perhaps make some adjustments. Also, any future partner can read all about your aspieness and make some informed allowance for your difficulties with expressing yourself.

    Your nuclear exploding and racing thoughts are a common aspect of the way we think. There are ways and means of dealing with them.

    I was very nearly diagnosed with depression before I worked out that I was aspie. Life as an undiagnosed aspie is pretty baffling and inexplicable and you keep hitting situations that frustrate you. You keep getting blocked from achieving things that you know you can achieve. This is often because we didn't have the communication skills, pre diagnosis, to get your point across or to understand and take account of someone elses point of view. My aspie diagnosis was done when I was getting very stressed and depressed by work. They were putting me on a performance review programme that might have ended with me being dismissed. Now, with a diagnosis my employers are beginning to see that I wasn't being awkward and lazy and obstructive because I wasn't capable but because I was suffering from AS.

    Perhaps your depression will ease if you get more understanding about how you work and how you can better deal with the world?

    :-)

  • thank youfor your message Mathew. I know you're right and I have been in this situation before so I should be able to cope with it. I have had depression for years and take a high dose of medication for it daily. It seems different this time though so it's like It's happening for the first time. I was married the first time for seventeen years and it was the same thing that destroyed my marrige then. I didn't even know I was not loving enough, I thought I was. I can understand that I'm not very spontanieous but I think that's the Aspergers. I need love and intimacy as much as anyone else but There's some part of it missing for me.

    Thank you for your advice Mathew I will do that. I went out late last night because I couldn't sleep for all the thoughts going through my head. I always get that but last night it wasn't just fast moving thoughts and ideas it was more like a nuclear explosion of thoughts and they were changing shape and size constantly. It felt like the were all going through a narrow gap which which was getting more and more blocked because there were too many trying to get through. I just kept trying to process the ones that did get through but I wasn't quick enough and the whole thing was completely chaotic.  I kow this sounds ridiculas but it's the only way I can describe the feeling.  I will go to the beach again tonight and try to clear my head or at least control the thoughts a bit and slow them down. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your advice Mathew. I really do appreciate it especially at this time when I feel nobody else can understand.   Thanks again.

  • Hi Charles,

    Listen you need to just STOP and have a quick minute to think to yourself. Depressiong is a horrible thing, my dad once had it and now my brother has it. But my dad is find now, he coped and so will you. I can't help you, I can only support you but someone will come along later on and there going to help you ok?

    Hang in there. There's a saying and it is this: Life can only get better Laughing

    Charles take my advice, read a book, go for a walk clear your head, play a video game. Do anything and keep your mind clear, don't let your worries and bad thoughts get in the way of your life - your in charge Charles, never ever let the ASD and depression over take you - your the human, and your will power is stronger than depression.

    Stay safe mate.

    Kind regards,

    Matthew - stay cool Cool

    (also, don't worry about your wife. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, you will be fine. Why not confide in your two daughters, surely they will take you in and get you back on your feet?)