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Not feeling good

aspiecharles

Hello, i wanted to write something to helpme try and conect with my emotions. I have difficulty knowing what they are at most times but these last few weeks have been so difficult for me to deal with and I don't understand my own emotions. I was in arelationship for 14 years and have had some problems caused by my aspergers but seemed to get through OK. my partner encouraged me to get tested for aspergers last year and it was discovered that I did have it. The diagnosis answered a lot of questions for us, one of which was the problems I was havingwith my sexual behaiour. My partner kept telling me that I seemed cold and uncaring during sex and that it was all very Spok like. Logical and planned. I also am very jumpy if anyone touches me when I'm not expecting it which put her off being spontanious towards me. she also said that there was no spark between us and when I approached her  to cuddle it was because I wanted to make love and not just for thae sake of cuddling. She couldn't respond to this as there had been no lead up to it. For about 4 years we had no sexual relationship at all and then other difficulties began when she became a musician and needed to spend hours in her studio making music. I am an artist but have not been able to work for a long time because of lack of money for materials, lack of space to work etc. We had to move into a council flat which is in the middle of nowhere and has no shops, liberaries, galleries etc, so I had nothing to do and nowhere to go during the day. The area is one of the most beautiful places in Cornwall on the roseland peninsula but there is nothing but water and boats and scenery. Just 2 weeks ago my partner made the descision that we should split up so that I could move to st Ives where I have family and friends involved in art. St Ives is a cornish town dedicated to modern art and has a huge art community. It sounds very positive but I have become very sad and hurt that we are splitting up. I have done nothing but cry for the last 2 weeks and on a few occasions become hysterical with grief. I feel so alone and abandened especially when my  partner talks about her new male friend who she has recently met online. He is younger than me, good looking, long black hair and is extremely intelligent. I feel like a nuiscence and a wast of space, and that they must want me out of the flat as soon as possible so they can get on with their own lives.I've become depressed now and have slowed down and become confused. I feel like there are too mmany thoughts going through my head and I can't controll them. I am already on high dose meds for depression and anxiety state but now I'm worse. I don't know what to do. All I want is someone to love me and accept me as I am. I am a very loyal person and have never hurt anyone in my life. I can't understand why people do . well sorry but i'm very tired now after taking strong sedatives so i'll have to leave this Thaks for listening. Much love.

Parents

  • One thing I notice about people on the AS spectrum (myself included) is we overthink.  Overthink to the point of getting depressed sometimes.  My brother, who is also on the spectrum, ended up so much in his own head that he started creating problems where there was none, which happens to people especially when we have problems reading body language, social cues, etc.  He would come home from work saying 'I've done such a bad job today, I messed up this, this person wasn't happy with me' and I ask him, did they actually say any of this to you?  The response is always no.  Even if he did mess it up it might've not been noticed.  It's easy to forget that people are thinking their own thing, it's so difficult for me to imagine that other people also have thoughts in their head, and they're not always about you.  Overthinking will drain you, tire you out, and make you feel even worse about yourself.

    I've had on and off depression for most of my life, and so did my grandmother.  We are both on the AS spectrum (well, not her anymore, she died from smoking related causes last year).  there were times I was, like, what's the point.  But now if I think that then I realise I've come so far in my life with this problem, what would be the point in giving up now.  I've been at the bottom and got through it, I can still continue on.  I've learned so much over the years too that things happen when you least expect it.  You will go out of your way to go find a partner but then you are concentrating on something else that's usually when it happens.  Nothing in life ever goes to plan.  And not always for the worst.  You have to learn to love yourself for who you are then it will be easier to let someone else into your life and you'll find you maybe more emoitionally stable for it.  If you rely on having a partner for emotional stability it's not going to end well.  You've already said positive things about yourself, that you're loyal, trusting, dependable maybe.  Focus on you for a while.  Get some support from the local GP (or here, keep talking to us, we'll listen :) and don't be critical of yourself.  Nothing 'should be' a certain way, so don't be hard on yourself, even though it can be very easy to be.

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  • One thing I notice about people on the AS spectrum (myself included) is we overthink.  Overthink to the point of getting depressed sometimes.  My brother, who is also on the spectrum, ended up so much in his own head that he started creating problems where there was none, which happens to people especially when we have problems reading body language, social cues, etc.  He would come home from work saying 'I've done such a bad job today, I messed up this, this person wasn't happy with me' and I ask him, did they actually say any of this to you?  The response is always no.  Even if he did mess it up it might've not been noticed.  It's easy to forget that people are thinking their own thing, it's so difficult for me to imagine that other people also have thoughts in their head, and they're not always about you.  Overthinking will drain you, tire you out, and make you feel even worse about yourself.

    I've had on and off depression for most of my life, and so did my grandmother.  We are both on the AS spectrum (well, not her anymore, she died from smoking related causes last year).  there were times I was, like, what's the point.  But now if I think that then I realise I've come so far in my life with this problem, what would be the point in giving up now.  I've been at the bottom and got through it, I can still continue on.  I've learned so much over the years too that things happen when you least expect it.  You will go out of your way to go find a partner but then you are concentrating on something else that's usually when it happens.  Nothing in life ever goes to plan.  And not always for the worst.  You have to learn to love yourself for who you are then it will be easier to let someone else into your life and you'll find you maybe more emoitionally stable for it.  If you rely on having a partner for emotional stability it's not going to end well.  You've already said positive things about yourself, that you're loyal, trusting, dependable maybe.  Focus on you for a while.  Get some support from the local GP (or here, keep talking to us, we'll listen :) and don't be critical of yourself.  Nothing 'should be' a certain way, so don't be hard on yourself, even though it can be very easy to be.

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