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Feel uncomfortable in my body

NAS96052

Hi, 

I'm a 53 year old woman and  autistic.  I'm trying so hard to explain how i feel and i don't seem to be able to find the right words for how I used to feel and am feeling now.

I am heterosexual and have never been in doubt about this.  I love being a female and never had any desire to be a male but when i went through puberty i detested the changes. Periods revolted me and made me feel inhuman. I hated boobs and still do. i chose baggy clothing to hide every lump and bump and still do . I felt very out of sorts but have never found the word to describe it.

Now the feelings seem to be back with the menopause. I despise the changes. i feel very odd.

I have experience 3 rapes and sexual assaults but married and had children.  Kissing repulses me and i have no desire to have a sexual relationship again. id be happy to have a hug but thats about it.

I felt this way prior to the assaults so it isnt that.

Anyone else had any experience of this?

It makes me feel very uncomfortable feeling so weird.

Thank you.

  • in reply to Lotus

    I get my bras from tescos, they're the soft sports bra type that you buy on dress size rather than cup size, the only thing I don't like about them is that they're nylon and a bit sweaty. I'll have a look at the lotus suggested as they sound a lot cooler. I think after my next mamogram they'll be sufficiently flat and ironed that I'll just be able to tuck them in my waist band.

    There are alternatives to HRT if you don't get on with it or can't have it.

  • I've never felt comfortable in my own skin, I've always felt a sense of otherness in combination with my inability to "connect" with others in more than a superficial manner.

    I have a wife and kids but I really struggle with object/emotional permanence when they aren't constantly with me.

    I avoid mirrors and being naked has to be a short lived as possible, I don't even like my wife seeing me disrobed.

  • Hi and welcome to the community. 

    Firstly, you are in no way weird. Most women find menopause difficult at times, and you can feel emotional, tired and very odd. But as cat woman says, being post menopausal is great.

    I also hated having periods so not having had one for over 10 years now is wonderful. Most women finish having them around your age, so if they haven't stopped yet they should soon, and within a couple of years of not having them your body should settle down and you should feel more settled. But if you have problems, talk to your GP.

    The only thing I don't like now is wearing bras - as I've got older my touch sensitivity has increased and of course my body has changed, and I've found getting bras that are comfortable a real challenge. My most recent bra purchase was two sets of 3 soft cotton ones from M&S, which are the most comfortable I've ever worn. But I'd rather be more flat chested and not have to bother wearing one.

  • I think that maybe you will enjoy being post menopausal, it's great, like having an extension in your head, all the space that thinking about sex took up, often unconciously, become freed up. I felt like I'd become sensible again for the first time sinse I was about 12, I found some clarity. I don't want sex, I hate kissing to the point of being phobic about it, its an exchange of saliva, gross! I've become invisable and I love it, I have silvery grey hair, so thats one reason for my not being noticed, nobodies shouted at me in the street for years for having big boobs or feet, freedom. Does anybody like periods? Painful messy things, one of the things I've noticed is that may post menopausal women go out and buy white bedding, I think it's an unconcious flag of freedom, no more mess and leakages.

    Menopause is like adolscence in reverse you will have some uncomfortable times like hot flushes, brain fog and not being able to sleep very well, but there are things that can be done about these.

    Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that everything must stem from sexual violence, as horrible and traumatic as it is, you had a life before and you've had one after.