Need Help – Autistic and Struggling with Arranged Marriage Expectations (Cultural/Religious Context)

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.

I find the whole concept of selecting a life partner from a photo rather disturbing in many ways, so I need to be very careful as to how I phrase my response.   

I realise this is a long established cultural practice, but your parents must realise that arranged marriages aren't enforceable in the UK without consent, and coercion is also illegal.

If you feel you are being pressured into marrying someone against your will, I'd suggest you take legal advice.  You have mentioned that you are being pressured.  We cannot dispense legal advice on this forum however.

If you are actually asking how to go along with an arranged marriage as an autistic person - and are quite happy with the concept - then that's a different matter.  Hopefully someone here will come forward with advice. 

Thank you so much for your reply and for approaching this with sensitivity—I really appreciate that.

Just to clarify, I’m not being forced into anything against my will. My parents are definitely putting pressure on me, but it’s not coercion in a legal sense. It’s more that they don’t understand why I’m struggling with the process, and I don’t know how to explain it in a way they’ll understand.

I’m not against arranged marriage itself. I actually do want to get married, and I’m open to the idea of meeting someone through family introductions. The part that’s hard for me is how I’m supposed to evaluate someone or feel a connection based on just a photo or one short, awkward conversation. My brain doesn’t work that way, and I think that’s where my autism plays a big role.

I’m hoping to find a way to adapt the process so that it works better for me—something more concrete, with patterns or traits I can understand emotionally and logically. That one example of the character Zeynep helped me realize I do have preferences, but they’re more about behavior and energy than appearance.

I guess I’m still learning how to communicate my needs in a way that bridges my cultural background with how I’m wired. If anyone here has experience navigating this kind of situation, especially as someone on the spectrum, I’d love to hear what worked for you.

Thanks again for reading and responding—it means a lot.

Thank you so much for your reply and for approaching this with sensitivity—I really appreciate that.

Just to clarify, I’m not being forced into anything against my will. My parents are definitely putting pressure on me, but it’s not coercion in a legal sense. It’s more that they don’t understand why I’m struggling with the process, and I don’t know how to explain it in a way they’ll understand.

I’m not against arranged marriage itself. I actually do want to get married, and I’m open to the idea of meeting someone through family introductions. The part that’s hard for me is how I’m supposed to evaluate someone or feel a connection based on just a photo or one short, awkward conversation. My brain doesn’t work that way, and I think that’s where my autism plays a big role.

I’m hoping to find a way to adapt the process so that it works better for me—something more concrete, with patterns or traits I can understand emotionally and logically. That one example of the character Zeynep helped me realize I do have preferences, but they’re more about behavior and energy than appearance.

I guess I’m still learning how to communicate my needs in a way that bridges my cultural background with how I’m wired. If anyone here has experience navigating this kind of situation, especially as someone on the spectrum, I’d love to hear what worked for you.

Thanks again for reading and responding—it means a lot.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply—I really appreciate your honesty.

You’ve raised an important point about the other person’s experience. I do care deeply about that, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve been so hesitant to just “pick” someone without being sure.

The truth is, in my culture, most people—including my own parents—don’t really understand what autism is. It’s not talked about much, and there’s no real awareness. So even explaining it has been a huge challenge for me.

I don’t want to mislead anyone. My hope is to first help my parents understand me better, so that when the time comes, we can be more open and respectful to the potential partner as well.

It’s a slow process, but I’m trying to be careful and fair on both sides.

Perhaps you ought to consider the feeling of your prospective partner too.

I'd ask you to think about this scenario.

You eventually get a picture of someone that seems acceptable.   Meanwhile, presumably, your partner gets a picture of you from her parents?   Is that how this works?

Does anyone tell this person that you are Autistic, and explain to her what that may mean for her in a relationship where there is unlikely to be an exit strategy?  

Or does she just have to go by the photo, and rely on her own gut instinct?

Perhaps someone is going to take the trouble of looking for an Autistic match for you ?  I doubt that is on the horizon at the present time.

With all due respect, the more you think about this, the more problematic the whole thing sounds. 

This seems very one-sided, with extra potential that someone could end up very unhappy in the future.