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Life is so hard

Debby

Ive only just joined. 
i didn’t know he was autistic when we met, We both worked. When we didn’t we met up. Life seemed great. He cared, he was nice to me, he took me places. No one had treated me that nice before. After a while we got engaged and then married. I didn’t live with him before we were married. He wanted it to be done right. Then we moved to france. He commuted for a couple of years while he sold his company, Then we started spending time together,

Things seemed strange sometimes but I made excuses and bumbled through, all my friends lost touch. They didn’t like how he treated me. Even his brother and sister in law. I cried a lot, 

After two breakdowns I now see him as he is. Autistic. I’m too scared to say anything about it although I bought a book (hidden in the hen house) and read it so I know that’s what it is.

im 62 and he is 70. We have been married for 20 years, 

im scared of him. Everything I say is wrong and he explodes.

I created this email without him knowing, God help me if he ever finds out I have reached out.

  • Hello Debby

    I'm very sorry to hear all that you have been going through. People from the Online Community have given you some very helpful advice and shared some useful numbers that you could call to get more help. I want to share some additional information. 

    To report a crime, serious incident or emergency that is happening now or about to happen: 

    • Call the police on 999 

    To report a crime that has already happened or is not an emergency. 

    Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone. Find out how to recognise the signs and where to get help from the NHS Domestic Abuse Helplines: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ 

    You can find your local Victim Support service by searching online for ‘[geographical area/local police force] + ‘victim support’.   

    To protect your safety and privacy, we have changed your username so it does not revel any identifying information.

    I hope this is helpful to you. 

    Take care

    Sharon Mod

  • in reply to Debby

    Hi, no you haven’t wasted anyone’s time, you have reached out. If you can’t leave then look into what is triggering him, you shouldn’t have to do this but it may just give you some degree of life. Maybe remove your surname and DOB from your profile.
    There isn’t only autistic people on this forum, there are many non autistic parents and partners.  Stay and ask questions, at least you will have some contact and could maybe come up with some strategies. As I  Said, abuse is wrong, managing him may just make life a bit better.

  • Rule 2: No personal information and identifiable content. The Online Community is public, so please do not share personal or identifying details about yourself or anyone else. This rule protects everyone’s privacy and safety. Do not share full names, addresses, contact details, social media profiles or photos that can identify you or others. You may share links to social media posts or videos if they are relevant, helpful or interesting and comply with these rules. Please ensure the content does not identify its creator unless they are a public figure.

    This is for your own protection. 


    I've also flagged this post so hopefully a moderator will take appropriate action when available.

    **

     has suggested you call the National Abuse Helpline when you are able. 

    Having Autism isn't an excuse to make someone live under threat of any kind of abuse.  

    It sounds as if you need help, so please make that call.  

  • in reply to Roy

    Im sorry I think I have wasted your time There is no where I can go and I have no friend's here coz we don’t go out.  I don’t have my driving license as I started having seizures. I’m handicapped, I have one leg, and I need medication for my seizures, depression and anxiety. 
    i couldn’t manage alone even if I had somewhere to go. 
    He can be nice so I guess this is it.

  • Hi and welcome. This sounds like a bad relationship, very unhealthy, you shouldn't be treated like this and you shouldn't be in constant fear of your husband. Autism isn’t an excuse to treat others badly. As Roy said, many are in relationships and they are good and happy ones.

    If I were you I would contact the National Abuse Helpline.

    This is their number: 0808 2000 247 It’s a 24hr number so they can be reached anytime.

    You might like to read through their website: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

    I was in a similar situation to you when I was 21 and the National Abuse Helpline were there for me then. I can't recommend them enough. They didn't just help me, but they were able to get my ex-bf help too. They might be able to suggest help for your husband.

    Please take care.

  • Hi, this relationship doesn’t sound healthy, many people here are autistic but don’t treat partners badly. I’m not a marriage counsellor but I think you have decided that there is no future in this relationship. Do you have anywhere you can go to,  do you feel physically threatened? Mental cruelty is just as bad. You still have a lot of life ahead of you, you must make these years count.

    It sounds like he wouldn’t be too receptive to autism, there’s most probably people here who can give better advice. I wish you good luck.

  • Hi - you may want to change your username as we should use our names or give any identifying info like your DOB.  Sorry for the situation you are in, regardless whether he is autistic or not.  Without addressing things - they won't change so you have two options, neither easy - so good luck