Reassurance

That’s great Lain. Thank you.
He has had a few weeks away from his therapy as I was unwell and he was on holiday last week so I’ll obviously mention this to her. I have to be very careful as he very often asks me not to share things with her and I don’t want to give him reason to distrust me. 

It’s almost like a ritual, like the wind down before bedtime or as we walk to school together…. It’s like he needs to download all those questions to me before he can get on with what he needs to do. 

I am extremely patient with him and never make him feel bad for sharing things or taking them out on me.

Really appreciate everyone’s responses you have all been really helpful 

Take5 said:

My son age 10 who is diagnosed autistic has for the last few months started to ask if everything is alright, this can be how he moves, how he carries out tasks, where he looks and what he thinks.

I would approach this by making him analise the question - if he is worried of eveything is OK then a normal person would survey the scene, gather information and make an informed decision.

He is exhibiting a trauma response (as overwhelmed & underwhelmed (overwhelmed) suggests) so he needs to conciously apply the observation / evaluation process that we normally do subconciously.

Get him to ask what would be normal in the sutuation - has anyone exhibited noticably different behaviour, has there been anything unusual happening, does anything appear wrong etc.

Then is the situation appears normal then ask him why does he think he worries it it is abnormal - what is in the back of his mind, what does he think may be happening etc.

Ideally these should be questions asked by a child psychologist for best impact / result but if he can articulate his fear then it means you can work on that issue much more effectively with him.

These situational analysis skills will be very useful as life goes on for him, especially as an autist as we often don't understand what is expected so by looking for what is out of place we can assess when something is different and can try to identify what may be going on rather than being completely blindsided in a social faux pas.

Thank you Emmalephant. 

I still struggle with that, but stopped asking as bluntly. I think for me it has always been about not wanting to stick out. Especially after being told several times that I’m weird, annoying etc. I could imagine that his diagnosis was the trigger point for him. Being told that he’s not exactly like most kids might have set him off. Maybe ask him specifically why he started doing this after the diagnosis/if it has anything to do with that? Sometimes prompting someone to ask about a topic and educating them on it can solve a whole lot of problems. 
But even if this doesn’t work, just know you’re doing very good by being patient about it! Some parents would certainly be annoyed and therefore make him feel even worse. 

I wish you and your son all the best!

You’re welcome. Sorry I couldn’t be any more help. To be honest just knowing you are there whenever he needs you is probably the biggest most important thing you can do. Your son will appreciate your reassurance and knowing you’re there to listen to him when he needs to talk to you. He might be working up to talking to you, in the meantime keep doing what you are doing. It will be a comfort for him.

Thank you so much, it seems very similar but maybe for a different reason. He has had a lot to cope with lately what with his assessment and then there is an outreach worker coming to watch him in school which he knows about. I guess I just keep reassuring him and make sure I’m always available to listen to his concerns. 

I did this as child as well. I can’t remember what age I was but I was definitely at school. First was asking if everything was ok, that came after my sister suffered an accident. I suddenly became aware my family might not be ok so I constantly asked about it, needing that reassurance to keep me calm. Second was at school. Some of my teachers weren’t so nice and called me out to the whole class, not paying attention, didn’t do well on that test did you, and I was being bullied because of those comments.

All this caused a trauma that resulted in me asking for constant reassurance from my family because I was perpetually worried I was doing everything wrong. It became a big part of my anxiety and OCD, and I had to be reassured. One day my mum asked why I kept asking for reassurance, she and my dad were like you are with your son they always reassured me and put my mind at ease, but it wasn’t enough I always needed more reassurance because I guess part of me didn’t really believe it. When my mum asked at first I didn’t want to say but eventually I did and telling her about it and me always fearing I’m not doing things right. Talking to her really put me at ease and she got the problem sorted out ASAP. I changed schools and life was a lot easier and happier for me after that.

This might not be any of what your son is going through, but I thought I would reply just in case it helps in any way. Can’t be nice for him or for you. I hope you can get to the bottom of this soon.