I'm Tired

Well you've upset me, because it reminds me of MY childhood.. I did not actually know I was Autistic, but people seemed to see a difference that needed the "special treatment". 

All that social exclusory stuff happeend to me, and I speedily became pretty "self-contained". I focussed on doing stuff I liked, and making money, and also since most people are not nice when you really get to know them, decided that I would try and go a different way and actually be nicer than I appeared. Being genuinely nice takes a LOT of practice, and is bloody hard to do on some days when you are Autistic, I know, but it DEFINITELY pays off in the long run. Being nice sometimes involves doing stuff that you really don't want to do, be ready for that.

Don't die yet! Seriously, there are some really, really, great bits in life, even being a freaky freak like I am. And I'm a weirdo too!  

You can, if you learn enough about humour make the Autism the butt of your own humour. Saying "I'm really sorry, my Autism made me do it" when you have made a normal human blunder, delivered right, can be quite amusing. 

BUT MOST OF ALL: 

Please, Please remember that autism is only a part of you. Yes, it seems to be a deficit overall all (PLEASE someone argue me out of that point of view!) but just as a Blind man can make a cup of tea by listening to the sound of the water as it fills the cup, (and it was a decent cup of tea, too) YOU in time will grow strengths that offset the disadvantages of the Autismo.

Stick at it kid, I'm Autistic ADD was really messed up as a kid, and felt like you on and off for far too long, but I also have done a lot of the stuff the poular kids never did, I've traveleld, driven, sailed and flown machinery that I owned, and eventually even found people that actually love me and have some good friends. Plus a whole load fo other stuff, some of it quite silly and great fun...

OO. WORD of advice about friends. Never stick with just one friend. I had several different types of friend and learned to recognise the early signs of "Autistic fatigue" in my NT friends. I could then dial it back a bit gently with them, and spend more time with other peeple. Most sucessful Autists function like succesful immigrants from a different culture. You learn to love and function in both cultural environments, your own and your new country..   

Most Autists seem to have a "Gift" or two in their make-up find, or look out for yours and use it. Being gifted at something means you are better than them at sometihng. In my case it turns out to be "quite a few" things, which always consoles me when I am feeling particularly low or being bullied. 

Remember, if you got ALL the goodies at the start of your life, the rest of it would get boring.

Some people think God made it that way on purpose...

Look after yourself. 

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I’m also still at school (final year in a German Gymnasium) and it’s not easy. I sometimes also get the feeling that it’s never going to get better, but please push through a bit longer. The fact that you posted this text tells me that you’re strong and courageous, even more than you probably think. Although you might not see it right now, it will get better. There will be dark times but there’ll also be good times that are worth living for.

Focus on whats worth the struggles (engaging in interests, activities you enjoy etc.). And if you get to the point where you’re not able to see those things for a while; at least live on for the people around you. Be it your parents or maybe another person that’s important to you. Stay alive for them during the times when you’re no longer living for yourself.

I’d love to hear from you once in a while, just to know how you’re doing. Keep your head up, no matter how heavy it feels.

Dear xx_Max_xx,  

Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you are currently going through a difficult time. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.     

 If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support  

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In in England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/  

You may also find the following useful:  

• Information on After Diagnosis - these includes resources that cover topics like 'How will I feel after receiving my autism diagnosis?' and 'Formal support following a autism diagnosis'.
• The Know Yourself series offers resources to support autistic teenagers in understanding what being autistic means to them. 

Help for anyone struggling to cope:

• Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  

• Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)   

• SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)  

• Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): for men 0800 58 58 58, (5pm to midnight every day).    

• Shout 85258: a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone struggling to cope.  

We hope this is helpful to you.  

Kind regards 

Rosie Mod  

For me and I assume most others, school was the absolute hardest part, I didn't know I was autistic then, but the struggles I faced were huge. Social things mostly, academically I was great, but did badly as a result of the social nightmares distracting me from it.

All I can say is that it will get better, those people may seem important and their opinions and social groups feel like they're exclusive and you feel a bit out of place, but once it's over you realise they aren't. And why would you want to have friends that treated you that way? It's hard to  see it now, but as time goes on you'll realise that friends are people that are good to you and bring a positive to you life, the concept of being with the "in crowd" only exists at school and it's flawed. 

Everyone will be having their own issues, known or not, that whole tension based on the crazy social expectations makes it a melting pot of hormones, anger, stress and anxiety. Even the kids who aren't autistic/neuro diverse and seem to be doing ok , they will be insecure and cry themselves to sleep a lot too, some just hide it well. 

Autism has some great benefits and some great big issues, we don't get to be a bland manageable mix of "average " , we get to be at both extreme ends of the scale at the same time.  situations play on  this massively, life's about aiming to be in the situations that play to your strengths, especially when you're autistic.

Concentrate on being yourself , taking care of yourself and doing as well as you can for yourself, people will see that,  the ones that are worth having around will become your friends. You will not be alone there, you just need to find your "people". 

Anyway, I'll stop banging on, you just take care of yourself above everything else!

I'm sorry to hear this Max.

Please be aware that you have to be over 18 to use this forum. You mentioned school.

xx_Max_xx said:

I wish I wasn't born this way.

Hello Max, I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

The hard truth is that yes it sucks to be autistic a lot of the time but you are right, we cannot change it so what can we do about it?

For me the answer was accepting it - it is a fundamental part of who I am and what influences how I interact with the world and other people.

Then came understanding it - I read up on it starting with the Dummies Guide To Autism and got a therapist with skills in this field and talked through how it affected me. What was most illuminating was how much my childhood experiences were laced with trauma that I had largely buried long ago - bullying, rejection, isolation and social ineptitude.

By looking back at all these events (unpacking them in the therapist terms) and seeing them through the lens of realising I was autistic then I learned to see the roots of my defence responses and forgive myself for feeling I was somehow defective or broken.

This is an important part to learn from the mistakes of the past and begin to weaken the hold of trauma I understand.

The next phase was to see how the autism still affects my everyday life and begin to formulate strategies that help me cope more effectively. Knowing where to put up resistance to others demands on me was one part as was knowing when to take myself out of situations that were creating a lot of stress. Not easy when my job involved having to fix situations where the tensions were already high because something had failed and most people were both demanding and stress causing...

That was my experience anyway but if you can I recommend getting a therapist with experience helping autists to spend some time with you and they can show you the pain you are feeling can be managed and that the outlook if much better once you start to take control.

Is a therapist an option for you? If you cannot afford it privately can you ask your GP for a referral? By using language like you have here I think it should persuade them.

I'm just some random from the Internet so don't take my non-professional advice without doing your own research please.