Just getting it off my chest…

You’re right, there is no rush, I’ve got time. Thanks for giving some perspective! I wish I could be half as kind to myself as you are right now (although, you’re overdoing a bit it right here, I appreciate the reassurance). Reading of other experiences with those kind of situations is incredibly helpful and important to me.

Thank you very much! I’ll try even though I don’t know where to start. This amount of understanding here means a lot to me!

Yes, those are definitely options I’ve thought about. It’s just hard to realise that for the first time, my future is in completely different hands. Thank you so much for reminding me of the many open paths and the reassurance! 

Thanks! It is quite reassuring to hear that this is totally normal. Even though I worked on keeping my expectations in check, I internally hoped that the first response wouldn’t be so negative. Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I’m honestly surprised by how soothing all the responses here are to me. It’s so much more than just “getting it out of my system”.

I never really managed to cope with the anxiety, but did with the performance, eventually. I found that if I stood still at a lectern and tried to use a detailed script, I got the 'rabbit in the headlights' effect. I developed a method that worked for me. I would use lots of visuals, it helped to deflect attention away from me to some extent. I also moved about a fair amount - presenting a moving target, often looking more at my visuals than at the audience and using a pointer. I also moved to cards marked with just headings, rather than a script and when I looked at the audience I would tend look over the top my glasses, which made them an amorphous blur. The trick of looking at and delivering to one person, definitely did not work for me, as talking to one stranger is almost as bad as talking to many.

It does sound similar to what I went through and led to me getting diagnosed aged 54. I think I had, and am still in to some extent, long-term burnout. 

For what it's worth, you are clearly very intelligent and eloquent, so with your young age, I am sure that you can steer yourself into a fulfilling and bearable job eventually - there isn't actually really a rush.

Thank you for the insight! It’s definitely something I’m considering, so hearing about up- and downsides to it really helps me with this decision.

Hey, I hope by writing about how you’re feeling helps to lift some off the stress off you. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and it’s clear you’re going through a lot right now. You’re definitely not complaining, your expressing how you feel, and I’m really glad you feel safe enough to post here. 

From what you’ve described, as everyone else has rightly said, it sounds a lot like autistic burnout. And please don’t feel anything is invalidated because you haven’t got an official diagnosis. Your experiences and feelings are real… you don’t need a piece of paper to validate what you’re going through.. Burnout can happen when we’ve been under intense pressure for too long, physically, mentally, emotionally, and sensory wise. It’s not just exhaustion; it’s a deeper kind of overwhelm that makes even basic things like getting out of bed feel unbearable. The “overdriven” sensory days and the exhaustion you’re feeling are classic signs. It’s impossible to “please everyone” or perform to the level you normally would when in burn out. That doesn’t make you a failure or that you won’t be able to recover this time round; it just means you need rest and compassion, not more pressure. I’m sorry that your parents have been dismissive towards you.

Rejection, especially when it’s tied to your future, is so tough to cope with. It’s okay to feel devastated about it. The fact that you’ve put yourself out there, even knowing how challenging it might be, is a testament to your strengths. The uncertainty about the future can be terrifying! Try to remain focused on the here and now.

It’s okay to slow down and do only what’s manageable at the moment. You don’t have to figure everything out all at once. Just take small steps. Remember you’re not alone in this. Many of us here understand what you’re going through, and will offer you their own advice or reassurance. You’re doing incredibly well to keep going, even when it feels impossible. Please be kind to yourself, even if others around you aren’t offering the understanding you need right now. 

Sending you lots of encouragement.

It really does sound like burnout. Job applications can be Extremely stressful times so it's likely that's tipped you over the edge a little when added to everything else you have going on.

"Normal" meltdowns and stress/fatigue go away with rest, but burnout is something different. It takes time, rest and careful metering of emotional energy to recharge and get past burnouts.

Look for the things that create too much anxiety, don't completely avoid them but try and reduce the exposure until you're feeling better able to o cope with them. (Total Withdrawal can make things worse, I find it gives me time to become isolated and irrational , I start to believe my fears and paranoia more), don't be afraid to say "I'm a bit overloaded" and  step out for a break when things get too much.

Don't give up on the job, keep going, there's always a lot of competition and rejection. A lot of time time it's not personal, some application processes have weird ways to initially score applicants and the best candidates can sometimes fail at the first hurdle. 

Hi and sorry to hear you are feeling like this. It does sound a lot like burnout, so make sure you have time to relax and do something you enjoy every day, to help replenish your energy levels, and try to get plenty of sleep. You say there is too much to do, but you need to prioritise what is most important and what can be left to later, and taking care of yourself is the most important thing so put it at the top of the list.

Regarding the job rejection, I see you say in your reply to Iain that it was a trainee paramedic position to give you relevant experience to decide whether you want to study medicine. But maybe the recruiters want someone who is going to stay in that job long term, rather than training a candidate who leaves after a short period of time. Don't take it personally - they have to weigh up lots of variables and there were probably lots of applicants.

I believe that you live in Germany and you volunteer with the Red Cross? In the UK I believe there is more demand for Healthcare Assistants in hospitals than paramedics, so if you also have Health Care Assistants in German hospitals that might be something to think about doing temporarily - it would give you experience of working with patients in a hospital setting, your Red Cross experience may help you get this type of work, and you may be able to continue doing part time /occasional shifts once you commence your studies in medicine or biochemistry. You could try contacting a local hospital's human resources department for advice on what temporary patient facing roles you could apply for.

I wish you luck and hope you feel better soon.

Martin said:

I never became a confident public speaker (though I did develop coping strategies).

I think this is the case for most of us, certainly those with social anxiety issues at the core of it.

I used to specialise in "fixing" poorly performing teams in an IT environment and this meant I routinely had to try to with individuals under a lot of stress, who had become militant, who were way out of their depth ability-wise or were just nasty pieces of work.

While I became good at it it never stopped giving me that adrenaline fear response when my train was getting close to work each day. I had a load of masking and scripting responses to cope but I was always in a state of high alert.

As for those disciplinary meetings with problem staff, those were the hardest as they were so unpredictable and came with an element of physical risk as well.

Being undiagnosed I used to read up on psychology in general to learn coping techniques (mindfulness and meditation were most effective for me) but I was always still experiencing the same underlying anxiety.

In my experience it never goes away so it is best to find a way to co-exist when you have to and live without it (early retirement in my 50s for me) where you can afford to.

I worked in biomedical research, as a molecular and cell biologist, in a university Biochemistry department for many years. I found it ideal for me. In a research group you have a reasonably limited number of people to interact with on a daily basis, and all the people you interact with are also obsessed with your subject of interest.  Monotropism is rewarded, concentrating on your research project to the exclusion of anything else is a positive benefit. The only major downside I found was the levels of anxiety that giving seminars and presenting work at conferences gave me. I never became a confident public speaker (though I did develop coping strategies).

Thank you both so much for reading and answering! I’m applying on trainee-places as a paramedic right know to find out if I really want to study medicine or if this field is too social for me (if so, I’m most likely going to study biomedicine or biochemistry to go into research).

A said:

I applied for well over a hundred jobs and kept getting rejected.

I think it will help Emmalephant to manage her expectations as she points out the job market in her field is incredibly tough and this reflects the wider job market.

I used to average 200 job applications to one success when I was working in the UK and I had a great resume with loads of experience, but after having chunks of my jobs given significant recruiting responsibilities I started to see how a lot of this works on the other side.

There is so much regulation on the hiring side that they need to be really careful in the selection process so they cannot be accused of bias or discrimination. The HR team were always running courses for management on their legal requirements and giving role playing classes on how to remove bias.

This slows down the hiring process so much that half the time the people we wanted for the role were no longer available.

Add the number of roles we had to interview for that were never going to exist but we had to advertise and interview for in order to keep the headcount for the next year and there was a frustrating high ratio of interviews to actual hires (maybe 80 interviews to 1 hire).

With a lack of experience it will put you low on the list as a prospective hire so I would be looking to find ways of volunteering to get some when you feel better.

But yes, a big chunk of "adulting" involves not knowing what is coming next and worrying about it.

It sounds a lot like burnout.

Re your rejection - I graduated many years ago in the middle of a recession. I applied for well over a hundred jobs and kept getting rejected. I thought my studies had been for nothing. Then one of the companies I had applied to many months before got in touch and offered me an interview for the following year’s graduate training programme.

I was successful and I have had a very successful career ever since.

This is my long-winded way of saying look after yourself, you’re worth it, and there is always hope and new opportunities to succeed