Published on 12, July, 2020
Is it possible to live with so much love for others and yet so much hate for yourself?
My faith ensures my love for others but that same faith cannot help me to love myself. On the contrary, I feel like I hate myself and wish I didn't exist. Strange isn't it, how so much love and so much hate can emanate from the same heart.
God says live, so I live. Why can't I love myself the way He loves me? Why do I have so much hatred inside me, alongside so much love that I just can't express? I'll explode one day, I'm pretty sure I will.
I talk to god but the sky is empty - Sylvia Plath
Possibly 'ashamed of being an animal with a mating instinct'. I've never seriously considered this before but, yes, I do find solace in the saints who tried hard to regulate their base sexuality in line with being a child of God. The dual nature of man - the animal and the spiritual - are bound to conflict and pull the 'person' in opposite directions.
It's nothing I've done. My faith derides the power of works - both positive and negative - on having any bearing on salvation and my conscience is battered but not broken. In a way, by living because of love, I feel less reliant on the need to be a corpse without the animation (or 'soulness') that this will leave me as. I can't live without my soul. Dying will free my soul from my body but without my body I cannot live. It is a Godly paradox and should remain so.
Flipside of. To love is to be capable of hate. And vice-versa. God loves the sinner and hates the sin, for example. The one highlights the other.
Possibly yes. The love, often overwhelming, of a mother can be a double-edged sword. Pretty much everything I do/want to do, I feel that I need permission or something like that from her. Pretty fucked up, I know, but I'm sure I'm not alone. I don't know who I am without her. My parents brought me into the world but, as with doing well at school, I've just never known what to do afterwards. Just trying hard not to end my life but getting nowhere fast.
Why do you hate yourself? Something you did? Something you want to do but are afraid of? Do you have feelings that you wish you don't have? Are you ashamed of being an animal with a mating instinct?
If any of the above, I have lots of experience.
And I have even more experience if it's because you were raised by a CRAZY mother that you didn't know was crazy so you had to readjust all your perceptions and beliefs to normalize her craziness — and in the process, twisting and breaking you into an unrecognizable wreck.
Love is certainly a healthier emotion than hate is.