Published on 12, July, 2020
Pretty much given up on what I do, how I do it, what I think etc. Online/offline. Everything always gets distorted and it reminds me about how cursed I must be. (Yes, I have a faith and I do believe in divine election but that I'm just not a part of it.) I was praying last night/early hours of this morning that if God can sacrifice me to the eternal fire so that someone else, some random sinner that I don't even know or care for can be given the chance of salvation, then I would gladly keep living in mental anguish, knowing that my pointless life can have some kind of purpose, in a roundabout way, for someone else. Anything but suicide, which is just giving in for the sake of giving in.
Probably only a matter of time before I'm booted off here. Various reasons being weighed up. None of them factual, none of them humanitarian. No real welcoming or interest in anything I write. And anything I do write just seems to get me shut out so I can't access my profile again and have to start again, probably because someone has triggered an alert to get me kicked off. S*** just keeps on happening. All my life, like a curse.
No matter I guess. Suicide forums are probably more obliged to keep me on but even then they have their limits and will probably block me after a while. It's only when you truly feel that you have no-one though, I have found, in my 20+ years' experience of living with despair and self-imposed solitude, that you can truly be free from society. Not that I want to be. I love people. I love being around people. I care deeply for people. I would lay down my life for my friends, if I had any. But the hate and corruption of this fallen world is a reality that never fails to surprise me.
Whether or not it is autism that afflicts me, (yes, afflicts me) it is just one more demonic attack in the history of my existence that I shall either learn to live with, by myself if necessary, or see that it destroys me. I doubt I'll ever get a diagnosis (I resent the retort of the 'you can just go private' brigade on principle - I was born under the NHS and I'll die under the NHS, so help me God) but it doesn't deter me from at least trying to help myself when I feel I have even a modicum of willpower to do so.
I've apologised before for posts that can be misconstrued or misunderstood in some way, just as a precaution if nothing else, but I just don't care anymore. I pretty much know I'm doomed. If I had any serious willpower, I'd like to starve myself to death. Sticking it right to God: 'if You want to use me, then just keep me alive without my relying on my need to sustain this cursed body and mind that You've burdened me with'. See, I don't even care about blasphemy anymore. I welcome eternal damnation as a release from this hell on earth, with all its component mockers and casual insults as I bear my own cross.
I would never willingly hurt anyone; physically or emotionally. And I hold to this. It won't be enough to get me into heaven but nothing will. I wasn't created to last forever. Well, none of us were. But God won't have me, I believe. Not because of anything I've done/haven't done and not through any especially existential crisis of faith that I'm not chosen by grace to be saved. It's a gut feeling I can't shift and I'm destined to face death as the atheist does - either convincing themselves that they've done 'all they can' or wracked with guilt for not accepting the gracious offer of life everlasting.
I crash and burn every day, only to be revived with the dawn to crash and burn tomorrow. Thus the curse of being alive and the shadow of death that hovers over me but which I cannot merge into. I am stuck in life and I hate myself for living.
A
It's hard to know what to say because I'm a really bad communicator and because you are so very low and I don't want to make things worse for you by saying the wrong thing. But I want to say to you that I am sorry to hear you are so low and in such a dark place and that I am praying for you to experience Gods peace and love.
Thank you for your kindly sentiment, JLyn. You save me as He reaches out to me tonight. ️
I pray and the words burn up in my mouth and diffuse into nothingness. But to have support from a believer means a lot. 'God's peace and love'. I've got the choice, always a choice, in front of me: drink myself into a stupor, alone but with God in my heart, or to return to whatever bed I happen to find myself in, always alone but always with God in my heart. The evening is young and yet the overwhelming social buzz of a Saturday night leaves me feeling more alone than ever. Drink just amplifies this. I can't even read my Bible and be at peace with myself as I can feel Mum's distress every time I lose myself in Scripture and find comfort in His Word. The very real psychiatric factor comes close to extinguishing the hope of the faithful in today's satanic era, whether of neurological or of neurodivergent type. The flesh crawls with the melting of the spirit as God and Man fuse and burn, destroying each other in a perverse evolutionary struggle to overcome or mutate to self-destruction. My atheistic brainwashing grapples with my theistic sense of salvation to compel me to believe that I am little more than an advanced ape, the n-th archetype of the generational road to extinction. No God, no hope, no love; just war and death and varying levels of profit from this culture of death that we endure. I poison myself in the hope that suicide comes more easily. That the past year of antidepressant intoxication can be entirely undone in one night's bombardment of chilling inebriation. Join the hoard, observe their yearning for freedom, imitate their despair and anticipate the final hurdle. I've had my Last Supper (fish and chips) and am finishing my last (alcoholic) drink before I give myself over to the mercy of nature, which is of course supremely lacking in any virtue of the sort. Mercy comes from beyond nature; comes from the One who devised and implemented nature and our place in it. Nature that sucks all hope and love from my soul, leaving me naked and exposed to the elemental chaos of the ravages of time and place. No God: no hope. I will always refuse to bow down before nature as I know in my heart and soul that I am a child of God. I cannot feel it, as Thomas couldn't feel the wounds of the Risen Lord until he did, but I believe regardless. God's silence defends me against the constant bombardment of the evil one. But at this present moment in time, as you say, I am so very low. So very tired and so, so very far gone. As I drain the proverbial chalice, I leave this formidable pub/church hybrid that I find my body and mind caught up in and contemplate the autumnal night up ahead. Day beckons within pain-saturated hours, dripping with lethargic slack-sinewy morbidity, but night and darkness claim me as they repel me. I will not die. Not tonight. Cowardly, evil scum of a man I am. I just walk. I walk and pray. I long to die but I strive to live in opposition to the act of freeing my soul, for the devil can't and won't ever have it.
️ My gratitude to you, my angel. God's blessing be upon you.
Thank you. Cling to Him. As you say you are His child. Jesus said Just Believe x
I do. Thank you. x