social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Iain 12 months ago

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents

Homebird 12 months ago

I can do the general passing the time of the day thing and I guess that is a learnt thing.

There are things though that are not so easy. I find sometimes people ask for an opinion about something or about my abilities and if it is a question I have not thought of before it creates panic trying to think of an answer and feels like having an interview.

Sometimes I forget a word for something until later, then feel too embarrassed to say more.

Another thing in a group is knowing when to speak, so often it is easier not to or by the time I think of something the topic has changed.

There is also the possible overthinking. Will what I say seem ok and afterwards wondering if I said the right thing.

Another thing that feels awkward is silences.

Then there is the feeling of exhaustion or just wanting to get to a quiet place.

Reply

Homebird 12 months ago

I can do the general passing the time of the day thing and I guess that is a learnt thing.

There are things though that are not so easy. I find sometimes people ask for an opinion about something or about my abilities and if it is a question I have not thought of before it creates panic trying to think of an answer and feels like having an interview.

Sometimes I forget a word for something until later, then feel too embarrassed to say more.

Another thing in a group is knowing when to speak, so often it is easier not to or by the time I think of something the topic has changed.

There is also the possible overthinking. Will what I say seem ok and afterwards wondering if I said the right thing.

Another thing that feels awkward is silences.

Then there is the feeling of exhaustion or just wanting to get to a quiet place.

Children

Iain 12 months ago in reply to Homebird

Homebird said:
Another thing in a group is knowing when to speak

I find it easier to just focus on the conversation rather than adding too much to it.

For some reason people would often think that because I said little that I was just a man of few words and because I often had something quite relevant to add (too much some here would say) then I was some wise man - not really the case at all but got me more cudos in the group.

Homebird said:
Sometimes I forget a word for something until later, then feel too embarrassed to say more.

I eventually got over this too - largely though learning not to give a damn about being embarrassed most of the time. I still have a gap in my mind where the word should be (I think it popped out for a coffee) fairly often but just skip over it now - changing the subject slightly helps.