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social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Iain

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents

  • In my opinion it is due to the way our brain processes information. In a situation where small talk is 'expected' the information to be processed can be over stimulating and while NT's can filter the information processed to what is needed us autistics have to try really hard to pick out the information that we need to process. Non-verbal communication is something that I fail miserably to pick up on and have no control over my facial expressions when processing information. I find eye contact difficult to maintain. When listening I can force myself to make eye contact but when thinking or speaking my eyes roll and wander off contact. NT's typically assume this is because of a lack of interest or dishonesty.

Reply

  • In my opinion it is due to the way our brain processes information. In a situation where small talk is 'expected' the information to be processed can be over stimulating and while NT's can filter the information processed to what is needed us autistics have to try really hard to pick out the information that we need to process. Non-verbal communication is something that I fail miserably to pick up on and have no control over my facial expressions when processing information. I find eye contact difficult to maintain. When listening I can force myself to make eye contact but when thinking or speaking my eyes roll and wander off contact. NT's typically assume this is because of a lack of interest or dishonesty.

Children
  • in reply to Mr T

    I agree with Mr T that it's about how we process information, the over stimulation and inability to filter. I think there's another part to it too and this will effect NT's too, most small talk is about a very small number of subjects, holidays, the weather, xmas, easter, soap operas and sport. I can talk about the weather, xmas and easter, but I dont' watch soaps or sport, this cuts out a huge number of "safe" subjects that aren't seasonal, my reply of 'well I live on Anglesey, whay woud I want to go on holiday?' seems to hit a bit of a bum note too. A lot of people just give up when they realise you don't have these things in common, if asked why I don't go somewhere like Spain or on a cruise, and I say I dont' like hot weather and a cruise is my idea of hell, they get miffed if not downright hostile. Asking about family is OK when you know someone a little better, but not when you first meet. It's one of the good things about having a dog, when you do have to do small talk, you can talk about the dog.

    Listening's good, but some people dont' want to talk they want to interogate and pepper you with questions and that feels ways to familiar for someone I've just met at a bus stop. Some times it's good to talk about ones special interests at length until the other person either shuts up or goes away, theres only so much I can hear about peoples gruesome opperations and horrible illnesses!