Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I'm new to this site. I saw a notice about the National Autistic Society at my school, so decided to further check out their site and stumbled across this community. This has all happened at the right time as I'm struggling at the moment.
My parents are throwing a party and I'm struggling with this because I'm a social train wreck. And at parties there's always loud music and it lasts for hours. I speak from experience here of my parents past parties.
Last time there was a party I set my tent up at the bottom of the garden and camped it out. Amazing experience! If you haven't camped then definitely try it...you won't regret it! I love camping, being out near nature. Even in my garden it's surprising how much nature is around.
I would go camping this time but my tent got sold last year. It was an accident apparently but I have a suspicion my mum did it intentionally so I can't escape the party...she thinks I can overcome all my autistic difficulties if I face them with a positive I can do it attitude.
If it was dry I'd just sleep outside anyway. Nothing better than sleeping under a starry sky. I used to do this with my Gramps before he died. But it's pouring down all day today.
I'll shut myself in my room but there will be the loud music and family invited to the party just barge in my room and start talking to me. It's literally the worst it really is. It's only a night and I know I probably sound the biggest moaner ever but it's really hard for me to get through things like this.
I'd love to be able to enjoy parties and talk with my family without getting intensely anxious but sadly I don't ever see that being a possibility for me.
I need a tent or a lock for my door.
How about borrow one? I have done this too. It's great the stars. soon there will be meteor showers too! Can you sleep out under that stars with no tent at all? Otherwise just shut yourself in with a door propped up against it. Needs much. I hope you find a way. It's a really hand one, this.
There are ways different ways to socialize. It doesn't have to involve pushing you into an environment with loud music and partying. It could just be a quiet one-on-one conversation with someone. If you don't like loud music and partying, I don't think that makes you socially inept. I'm able to socialize with people, but I wouldn't like that kind of loud environment either. I wouldn't enjoy that.
In order to socialize effectively, you need a certain level of comfort, otherwise there's too much anxiety and the socialization fails.
I learned to socialize, by just imagining that I'm somewhere I like (mainly my room, but you could imagine being in the tent), and that level of comfort is what you "feel" when you are talking to someone. It comes across as confidence. And questions like "what have you've been doing lately?" Or noticing something about them like "that's an interesting hat, where did you get it?" might open up channels of conversation, or amusing stories and experiences. I try to think of the other person and get curious about them, rather than think about myself and what weird things I might be doing at the moment.
Even people at loud parties will usually go with someone they know that they can buddy up with. Why? It's because of comfort. They will only be comfortable going if they know a person who is going to go too, otherwise they won't go because it'll be too intimidating and anxiety provoking to go to a party alone, where everyone knows everyone else, and they know no one there. Many people have social anxiety in one way or another, so don't feel disheartened about your social skills.
Hey Ninj, welcome to the community! I'm glad you found us, especially at a time when you need support.
I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with a really challenging situation. Parties are so overwhelming, especially with the noise and social interactions, and expectation of looking like you’re having a nice time. I totally get why camping in your garden was a great escape for you. It's unfortunate about your tent – it seems like you had found a perfect solution! I hope you could get yourself a new tent soon. Maybe try a local charity shop where you might be able to get one for cheap.
If you can't get a new tent, perhaps you could try your earplugs to help with the loud music and put up a clear sign on your door asking for privacy. Sometimes people don’t realise how important that space is for us, and barging into your room is completely unacceptable! You might have to compromise a little and maybe say hello to your family at the party early in the evening (before they get too drunk!) and then go back to your room (although you shouldnt have to compromise IMO, but sometimes it’s just easier to).
Keep trying to communicate your needs to your parents and explain how these parties affect you. Say you are not asking them to stop them all together, but to consider you when they plan them. If retreating to your tent worked, ask them to buy you a new tent.
You're absolutely not a moaner. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and it's okay to feel angry about finding yourself in a situation that you’ve practically been forced into. I’m sorry your parents aren’t fully understanding of your autism.
You can always come onto this forum to have a little rage or get things off your chest when the party happens, or anytime you need. It can be really helpful to put your frustrations into words and get reassurance from other likeminded people. I hope overtime you also build some connections with other people here
Ninj,
The tent thing sounds amazing and it's sad it "accidentally" got sold but I can see why your mum did it. It'll be tough for her not having as much contact with you as she'd like because she sees the world her way so may not have a true grasp of just how awful loud parties are for most Autistic people. I have some ideas:
Is there a friend or relatives house you could hang out at instead of the above ideas? Wishing you well.
Hi Sparkly thanks for the welcome.
Yes I knew about the rules for age and I am 16 now so that's all okay. I already spoken with the CM Claire to be absolutely sure I'm okay to be here
A halfway deal. Yep that's a good plan thanks for the suggestion.
I've discussed it with my dad and he agrees that's a neat idea. My mum probably won't but so long as I get the Aokay from dad I'll be allowed to do it. He doesn't completely understand my autism and how it affects my day to day life but he does at least try
️I don't have any noise cancelling headphones but I'm hoping to get some soon.
I survive with ear plugs which aren't exactly good but they do help a bit.
Thanks for your help.
Hello Ninj and Welcome.You mentioned in your post that you're still at school. I am just letting you know (in case you are not already aware), the NAS Community Rules state that members need to be aged 16+ to join the Community and post on the forums.
You have my sympathy, Ninj.
On the one hand - I do need a push to do things. Many of the wonderful things that I have done, I wouldn't have done of my own accord.
But...
I hope that your parents come to an understanding of what your autism means to you and that at some point things get so overwhelming that you genuinely do need to opt out when it gets too much.
I'm 50+ and the thought of a big party in my house is hyper stressful, so having one when you don't have any say in the matter must be even more stressful.
I don't have a magic wand, but maybe you could suggest to your parents that you will join in as best you can for as long as you can, but when you go to your room, please can you then be left alone. Almost like a deal. You will genuinely try your best, but then they should respect you retiring to your room when it has all got to be too much. Get some noise cancelling headphones!
Good luck