Published on 12, July, 2020
More often than not, a public figure will have done or said something controversial and be pressured to make an apology statement.
It's an extremely complex matter. On the one hand, I do understand the importance of accountability, especially when it comes to objectively bad things and those in power. I'm not disputing the importance of that at all.
On the other hand, I have many issues with it. I feel quite uncomfortable with asking someone to apologise publicly, regardless of what they've done. I have seen this range from a person's old racist tweets being unearthed, to someone making a passing joke on telly that the individual was offended by.
It's the fact the person has been asked to do it, to the point it feels almost like a sense of entitlement. They're accused of hiding from the situation because they're somewhat silent (i.e. are not tweeting 'sorry' every other second), but what I feel people ignore is the fact there is a person on the other end. They may need to process things in their own time, especially as it's likely a very complex thing for them.
Thousands of people screaming at you about your mistake is not likely to help you learn from it. It may leave you feeling more angry and resentful, and you wish to retreat even more. I think someone in that position would prefer to listen to the people close to them calling them out, not a stranger on the internet who, most likely, isn't coming at it from a place of wanting the person to be better. More often than not, it becomes a bit of a game for the people involved.
Granted, you get insincere apologies ("I'm sorry if you were offended") but you also get sincere ones. Yet, it seems even those who make sincere apologies are torn to shreds afterwards - by the people who asked them to apologise in the first place. It's all very "you shouldn't have done it in the first place" but at that point, there's nothing they can really do about it.
For a number of reasons, I find that quite troubling. I think anyone in that situation is under the belief (naively) that people are saying "say sorry and we'll leave you alone" but it never works out that way. This particularly affects the people who may not have a team around them who could smooth things over for them.
Both kinds of apologies can often read like a PR statement. Very media trained. Some people (namely autistic people) may need time to process it, because we don't want to say the wrong thing (again) but we're not given the chance. You can't blame someone for feeling resentful, and therefore feeling like the entire world hates them.
I worry that there's a growing sense of "you're not allowed to grow from your mistakes". I know I'm risking coming across a bit like an old man and maybe I'm exaggerating how things are, but I've seen this happen enough times to the point it scares me.
I do get that you have people who don't show signs of growth, and find themselves in that position again and again, but I feel everyone who makes mistakes publicly is treated in the same way, like they're all unsalvageable, regardless of how they've handled it or what the thing they did was.
I dunno, maybe I'm in a minority of one on this.
I will appologise for something I've said or done causing to someone to feel hurt, or them choosing to be hurt, but if I feel the words or actions justified then I won't appologise for those. I don't like being told to appologise when I'm not sorry, it's pointless and people know when you're being insincere. There are a lot of things I do or don't do because I don't know that it's somehow wrong.
My point is basically the same. For too many people the only thing they're thinking of is themselves and maintaining or regaining their previous stature.
A public apology is an important first step. Broadcasting your actions after that is entirely self-serving and belongs to people for whom rehabilitating their image was the only thing they cared about and not actually making up for it.
The point of my original post is the nature of public apologies, as opposed to normal ones. My experience of witnessing those is that people will expect the individual to broadcast every little 'righting the wrongs' that they do, purely to make the point that they are learning etc.
I don't believe that one should have to, but not everyone feels that way. The point I'm making is that a huge amount of people will surround someone to the point that they have no choice but to speak out publicly.
The best thing is to try to do right by the people you've wronged, rather than going straight into "what should I say/do to help myself?"
If the main factor is how your apology will serve you, you're missing the point of an apology.
HMO said:I haven't seen that film.
without sharing spoilers, Nicholas plays a really mundane professor - dull in almost every way until he finds out people are seeing him in their dreams - initially just as a bystander while bad things are happening to them. This generates a lot of celebrity around him. He has no knowledge of doing this.
Later the dreams change and he is seen as a bad guy doing bad things in the dreams - again all without him having any control over them and not actually doing anything.
This leads to him being cancelled in spite of an absence of proof, intent or anything to label him as guilty - just on the fact people had bad dreams and he was in them.
He is by no means an innocent soul - more of a pathetic one but he is by any definition innocent of the things he is being hounded for.
A fascinating subject and quite an entertaining film.
T said:Similarly the idea that someone does something that warrants an apology but feels like it's unreasonable that they be expected to give one as soon as possible is pretty galling.
I disagree. If they apologise as soon as possible, then it's "you're only sorry because you got caught". If they choose not to apologise immediately, then it's "you're hiding from what happened". You can't win.
Surely the best thing is to be able to process the full extent of what's happened before saying anything, including being prepared for how it'd be received.
I believe that forgiveness is a road and an apology is merely the first step. If someone does something bad, it's a bit of a nerve for them to just expect to say sorry and everyone will pretend it never happened. Similarly the idea that someone does something that warrants an apology but feels like it's unreasonable that they be expected to give one as soon as possible is pretty galling.
If you're really sorry, you should accept that you're going to have to earn it and that might take some time (and if what you did was bad enough, you'll never get there, and if you're truly remorseful you should accept that rather than get upset that everyone still holds the dog murderer thing against you).
I don't even know if public apologies ever go well. Everything said is just scrutinized, the body language is analyzed, and everyone is doubtful and wonders "did they actually mean it?" For a public apology, they are damned of they do, and damned if they don't. It's a reputation killer. No one is ever happy with how a public apology has been stated.
It's very:
"say you're sorry"
*says sorry*
"no, not like that"
I haven't seen that film.
HMO said:Granted, you get insincere apologies ("I'm sorry if you were offended") but you also get sincere ones.
A lot of apologies these days are forced by the cancel culture out there and many apologists probably (quite justifiably) feel the apology is being forced out of them on threat of them being cancelled so it is unsurprising they feel insincere.
If you haven't seen the film Dream Scenario (a newish Nicolas Cage film that is quite entertaining for once) then I recommend this to see the impact of cancel culture on an innocent man.