How do you deal with a fellow Autistic Colleague?

Hi!

So, I have been diagnosed on the autism spectrum for about 5 years now. But since everyone on this forum are adults: I would love to hear your advice and experiences.

I work in service and have this colleague (let's call her Marianne) who is autistic and a nightmare.

Her behaviour is highly aggressive towards me and other staff members. Criticises everything we do and cannot tolerate when someone challenges her behaviour (aka me). Here is an example.

So for some context: the restaurant we work at is divided into "sections" and each section is handled by a single waitress. If you deal with a customer in a section, you must explain to the waitress in charge what you did at which table. Simple right? Once, a customer (who sat in Marianne's section) approached me and asked for the bill. Marianne was taking an order, so I handed it to him. He then explained he was in a hurry because he had a baby. And I see his tired-looking wife breastfeeding a baby with their young child beside him. Being a considerate human being, I skip waiting for Marianne and hand him the machine so he can pay and leave. I finally crossed Marianne and explained that the customer paid because he was in a hurry and she lost it. Lecturing me that it's not my place to take of someone else's section. If you paid attention, you know that's not true.


Situations like these continued until I no longer believed her until it turned into a shouting match. She said I was being "rude" while I responded I did not take her seriously because she is always wrong (as demonstrated in the story above). You can imagine my surprise when I found out from a colleague that she is also autistic. He figured out I was as well and to just deal with her behaviour because she still works the way they did two years ago. I said we are equally stubborn and I was relieved to hear she only works during holidays.


Now the winter holiday is coming very close, and I fear she is coming back, and my first reaction is going to be "Oh Jesus! Not you!" Outload. When I found out I was autistic, it guided me to change. But Marianne seems to have no mind talking the way she talks to our team (and she is not in charge). I know there are different people on the spectrum, but Marianne is the first autistic person I have met and worked with. I never actually thought that my first interaction with another autistic person would be like this. And I am not 100% convinced that her autism "excuses" everything. But please tell me what you think and if you have better experiences.

  • Our managers are kind people: trust me I know. Once: my autism mixed with a "PTSD" episode (long story) caused me to humiliate myself in front of not only my colleagues but also customers I verbally attacked. I am still working there. I could have been fired, if anything I SHOULD have been fired, but they didn't. I am still working there but I am horrified.

    For these reasons, I cannot be the one to report to management. I just know that people like her are everywhere and you mustn't give in to their delusion, but someone like her + autism is new to me, so I needed advice. The truth is, I now think it's a mix of everything everybody said: her routine, her way of thinking, and as you said, the way she talks in general, but I do genuinely believe that if I confront her about her behaviour and mention her autism she would insult me and say it's none my business or something very kind.

    I just need to prove to myself and the team that I am better. Thanks for all your advice, I feel confident and prepared to face her should she return for the holidays! This is the first time I look forward to our common shift, let it begin!

  • I have been diagnosed on the autism spectrum for about 5 years now.

    I would make sure the management have a copy of your diagnosis and you can then ask for the "reasonable adjustment" of them ensuring that the team know their duties and when it is acceptable to step in to help as you did.

    With you having the same "protection" as Marianne due to your disability then you are able to make a reasoned complaint about aggressive behaviour so long as you get it witnessed and documented. Aggression is unacceptable to any employee so you have a strong standpoint to make a complaint about her behaviour, and a lack of management action will reflect badly on them if this continues and you seek to make an employment harrassment case against them further down the line.

    She may not realise she is being aggressive so I would react calmly to her next outburst and say something like "please do not be so aggressive towards me. i'm autistic too and this is making me feel really uncomfortable. Please tell me what is wrong as calmly as you can".

    It may well cause her to escalate but if you have others watching you then this may bring things to a head and get her out of your face more effectively. As you point out, autism is not an excuse for being an a-hole.

  • tbh waitresing isn't a good job for most autistic people. It requires flexability which most of us have in short supply. So she is operating on the rules and you are trying to apply rules + common sence. That won't work. Trying to pivot over your comone sence interpritations of the rules is going to confuse her and stress her out. Also as an autistic person yourself you might be suprised to find your work coleages actually often probably find your 'comone sence' to be not that common. You need a system where she knows what to expect from you consistantly.

    As for the way she talks as far as she sees it she is probably just stating facts. Eg, 'you got this customers order wrong.' It might seem agresive to you as if she's giving kitchen staff a dressing down but from her point of view its just a statment of fact. She's probably quite problem solving focused, many autistic people are, and when her coleages make misakes that cause problems for her in her job then her coleages become problems she feels she needs to solve. Again that's just the autism.

    What she really needs is a job that more self contained with well defined boundries between her and rest of the team and more focused on problem solving. A job that plays to her strengths.

  • Yes, that's pretty much it, and you are right I am trying to find a different job that suits more my ambition. And you are right about a lot of other things too. I have never complained to a manager or confronted her directly about it (I cannot imagine a conversation like this EVER going well) but the fact she deals with her autism her way and knows the way I used to be is the only reason I have not exploded yet. But you are right, it is difficult to let go once they get under your skin, I guess I could kill her with kindness that'd be fun.

  • I am searching for a line of work that suits more my ambition. It's just harder to find and well, there are a lot of reasons that pull me into this area, but everyone here had good advice like I hoped you guys would so thanks!

  • I don't have better experiences. No-one else at my last job was diagnosed but it was data analysis and I'd put money on 3 others being spectrumy enough to get one.

    You've got to remember it's not just the autism it's how that person has lived and all of us are different.an autistic person with other mental health conditions, who's lived a harder life for whatever reason it's going to have more difficulty fitting in than someone who doesn't have those life experiences. Maybe that person can't manage the changes that have happened in the last 2 years, maybe the managers bring her back every winter out of the goodness of their hearts. Marianne may not mean to speak to others in a tone you find grating. 

    I would suggest finding something else to focus on other than Marianne because of the way our brains work once we find something that annoys us it is very difficult to let it go. It may be that you want to find a different job entirely, it might mean that you ask for a different shift pattern. The trouble is once someone has got under your skin it is incredibly difficult to ignore the things that they do which annoy you. And then you become the one who gets in trouble because you complain too much about that one person for no valid reason. Been there, done that. 

  • Same, well not tried. It was my whole job for a 2 year stretch about a decade ago. Very tiring and thankless work. Only ever felt appreciated in that job when I got the tips, had to get the tips, couldn't survive on a 0 hr contract on minimum wage alone.

  • Perhaps another line of work or another restaurant? maybe ask to be on opposing shifts? Dont have all the dets.

  • Waiting tables while autistic: very hard. I tried.

  • I am not 100% convinced that her autism "excuses" everything.

    Well that's because it doesn't. If there is a fire we are all responsible for if we choose to pour petrol on it.
    Just don't take what she says personally because we know her problem is literally in her head (sounds like she's used to it being a certain way it used to be before or is stuck on how she expects it to be and is stuck in her own routine and not updated to the new way of things or the reality of it), if you are calm and she goes off on one you'll be in the right eitherway. If she is especially abusive towards you at all though you should make note of what she said and take it to your team leader or manager. It's not "stirring drama" you legally should be able to get on with your work without being antagonised.