looking for friends...

hi sylv... in reply to your questions... im 38 years old will be 39 in april this year!! :(

i curently do not have a job! wish i did... but have had jobs in the past although they are extremely hard for me to hold down as i get confused and often trail off to do something else other than what im meant to be doing! i get easily distracted and because of the lack of facial expressions and talkativty and the "no eye contact thingy" i get dismissed as not being interested or bothered by what is going on around me! i have one field of interest and that is computers! i can rebuild them upgrade them repair them, i never have to read instructions i simply "know" how things work!! :( pity i dont have the same knowledge about people! :( 

how are things with you and how do you stay in employment??? 

thank you... david :) 

Hi I am curious to how old you are and do you have a job ?? You sound just like me - so amazing - and more prominent the older I get - I work but it is a means to an end now - good luck just keep going and learning -Sylvia 

hi rob

 thank you for the advice i will try my best to take on board about what you have said and i thank you for all your help in my most embarassing situations...

i find i stammer wether im calm or not but ether way will try to relax and take my time saying what ive got to say...

my family are embarassed by me when were out as i make a show of myself and get so fustrated....

they say i remind them of the shop keeper from "open all hours!!"....

im terribly uncomfortable in social situations, i find it so hard to converse with people even on the basic things!! :(

i too find the maintaining friendships hard... sometimes i think maybe im just meant to a loner! but it does get too lonely at times....

i again thank you for taking the time out to try to help me, i find this site a great comfort knowing im not alone!! (as such)...

i hope your advice will sink in and be taken on board as a guideline for others who suffer from similar situations...

all the best

dave :)

hi dave

i too have difficulty with speach when nervous, i just slow everything down and do find it helps a little.

as for eye contact, i was always uncomfortable with eye contact that is until my mid teens when i became an apprentice hairdresser. i found i could make eye contact in a secondary way by only talking to the reflections of clients in the mirrors. i am now (although not keen on doing so) able to maintain eye contact (sometimes my stare can be too intense). but i have become so good at it that people won't believe i have AS.

making friends is another story, i am friendly but can't maintain relationships. my collegues at work have accepted that i won't go out for the social events but can be quite sociable in the staff room, mostly they tease me about my rigidity and i don't mind becuase it demonstrates they have some understanding of me.

i too can seem disinterested, over time and with some help i have learnt some active listening skills, repeating some of the things being said and nodding my head at appropriate times are just a couple of things i do to show that despite limited eye contact i am actually listening.

i truly wish you well and if i could offer some advice 'relax, things have a way of sorting themselves out'.

good luck

rob

I find that I don't want to make friends with most people.  Its hard work even having one or two friends because you have to consciously process the interaction the whole time, no matter how much you like them or how long you've known them or how much you agree on things you discuss.  I literally feel like a robot running a processor the whole time to download from my memory bank.  It might appear fairly seamless to others but it's damned hard work.  I need to plug myself in for a recharge afterwards!

Eye contact and sensory issues do seem to be crucial even though considered marginal to a diagnosis, and most advice about living with autism hinges just around the triad of impairments. Eye contact and sensory issues are largely ignored.

I think it is difficult to follow Hotel California's advice. Telling people you are having difficulty with eye contact is either read as shyness (and everyone knows about shyness......) or if you explain further, you then get into the complex world of preconceived notions about what autism is.

Because of sensory issues dialogue disintegrates in busy social situations, both what I hear and what I say. I've tried saying I've got a hearing problem, but people instantly read that as hard of hearing or deaf - so they shout or enunciate very slowly - which sadly makes no difference. Or someone notices on a quieter occasion I hear perfectly and gets annoyed as if I'm faking deafness to annoy.

The term eye contact is a bit misleading. NTs only do it some of the time, and there's some understood etiquette about when its right and when it isn't. It has more to do with attending to another person's face, to read not only eye movements, but facial expressions, nods, shakes and other head movements, eyebrow raising etc.

I think most people on the spectrum to some degree have difficulty using their eyes effectively in social situations and both miss a lot, and confuse others.

It isn't just about reading non-verbal, its about conveying non-verbal information. If you are on the spectrum you are probably sending other people very confused messages.

And if you aren't observing other people's faces effectively (I unconciously look at mouths) you are missing an awful lot of social interchange.

The more intimate things get the more important is the non-verbal information, both ways. Intimate one-to-one is virtally all non-verbal (or the verbal appears nonsensical to outside observers).

But try as I might to convince people including NAS that eye contact and sensory issues are crucial to understanding autism, and probably underly most of the problems, no-one including NAS seems to be listening. Because these things are still minor asides at best from Triad of Impairments dominated training.

NAS Moderators - please could you give more attention to eye contact and sensory issues. These are fundamental issues to the everyday lives of people on the spectrum, and better understanding might help improve people's lives.

hi gemma

communication is one thing i trouble with too, especially talking to females... i get nervous and stammer and struggle with what to say??

id like to tell you it gets easier but unfortunatley i cant, as it varies with confidence...

i have no confidence with females and after hello, how are you? it kind of dies out!! :(

i really have an issue with eye contact and always have, people think im rude or not listening or interested in what there saying or asking me...

i dont like loud noises or bright lights they hurt my ears and eyes! i think most aspies suffer from this...

i woulod love to have a relationship too, but unfortunatley people just dont understand me and it causes problems as i feel awkward and more often retreat into a shell and stay quiet... leaving them thinking "whats up with him..."

the only advive i can give you is just be yourself, maybe tell them you struggle with eye contact, and what to say hopefully the man will understand and give you a little encouregement to be you!!

if u would like to communicate more id be more than happy to help and maybe we could help each other out in these situations...

keep smiling its not all bad...... :)

thanks :)

hi gemma

communication is one thing i trouble with too, especially talking to females... i get nervous and stammer and struggle with what to say??

id like to tell you it gets easier but unfortunatley i cant, as it varies with confidence...

i have no confidence with females and after hello, how are you? it kind of dies out!! :(

i really have an issue with eye contact and always have, people think im rude or not listening or interested in what there saying or asking me...

i dont like loud noises or bright lights they hurt my ears and eyes! i think most aspies suffer from this...

i woulod love to have a relationship too, but unfortunatley people just dont understand me and it causes problems as i feel awkward and more often retreat into a shell and stay quiet... leaving them thinking "whats up with him..."

the only advive i can give you is just be yourself, maybe tell them you struggle with eye contact, and what to say hopefully the man will understand and give you a little encouregement to be you!!

if u would like to communicate more id be more than happy to help and maybe we could help each other out in these situations...

keep smiling its not all bad...... :)

thanks :)

Hello. im currently being assessed for Aspergers Syndrom and im finding it really hard to communicate with people and my eye contact i struggle with as well. I also found very loud noises a problem as well to the point im like wow thats loud. Iv also struggled to communicate to men as well, as often being scared of what to say. I would love to have a relationship or someone who could give me some advice on what to do.

Also my family seem to treat me different as well.

many thanks!!

i have one main interest and thats computers... 

i take them apart and rebuild them... often upgrading hardware parts inside.. i have had no training nor never worked in this field... i understand them better than i do people!!

i find it hard to build relationships and friendships and more often than not will hide myself away i stammer all the time but cant seem to stop when im nervous or trying to explain things... its really embarassing!! :(

i have tried volunteering before and it didnt work out maybe i wasnt ready!!

thank you for your advice about for warning people about my lack of eye contact... i will try that in future... :) i thought i was the only one going through that situation!

im very greatful....

thanks 

Hi.  Do you have any special interests?  Maybe joining a club of like minded individuals may help.  Although gyms and swimming pools can seem daunting, they do have quiet periods where you can get to know members over time and gradually get to know people.  Volunteering is also a good avenue to look into.  It doesn't have to be people focused but again you could build up to helping out in other areas as your confidence grows.  It is always hard taking that first step, even for NT's.  So take it slowly.

My sons also struggle with eye contact and the youngest will stammer when faced with situations where he needs to make a choice.  

It may help other people if you tell them that you are listening but that you find it hard to make eye contact, that way they are not making incorrect assumptions and it may help you relax a bit more.

Hope this helps.