I'm newly married (May 2023) . Before we got married we had regular sex, we were very affectionate. Now I can't stand it. I have asd and my partner hasn't. He's really understanding, but I hate rejecting him all the time. The sex is amazing when we do, but the kissing and cuddling makes me not want to.
How can I change this ?
we were very affectionate. Now I can't stand it.
Sparkly is right in saying that relationships go through phases and sometimes you need to rekindle the spark that brought the affection to your love life.
It is worth taking time to reflect on what is different now. Did you live apart before but now are always in each others spaces? This can lead to resentment that will dampen the romance, but there are ways to work on it.
Has anything else changed for you? It sounds like your husband is still the same, but has anything else changed there that may have turned you off of him? Does he now fart in front of you when he didn't before, does he expect you to do all the housework while he plays games etc? Has he stopped washing as often etc etc?
If you can find that thorn which is throbbing in your paw and causing you to reject the affection then you can start working on it. Talking openly and bluntly about it is a great place to start so you are both on the same page.
From there you need to negotiate a new normal that addresses the root cause of the issue - normally there needs to be give and take on both sides but this is the nature of a stable married life.
One trick to remember is that when you are rejecting him, try to think what it is specifically that you don't want at that time - it can be illuminating.
Haha I'm the gamer in the house. I think it's more he's the breadwinner, I'm stuck at home as I'm quite isolated as I'm easily overwhelmed, i do most of the housework. Ive only recently been diagnosed as well.
He's not put me off, but he can be very needy and I can feel suffocated at times. I just annoy myself because he's such a good and kind man. I'm struggling to articulate what it is. There's so many things it could be. I just want those warm feelings back.
We have lived together for a couple of years and been together for 7 years in total.
he can be very needy and I can feel suffocated at times.
When this is taken in context with the loss of your mother, there may be unresolved issues of you not feeling supported enough through this process. He should be the one looking after your needs not the other way around.
If you do feel this way then I would tell him this (if I were in your shoes). He may not realise that he is being needy so if you tell him it is an unattractive quality then he may get the message. Just point out that you don't want an Andrew Tate personality either - something in between would be nice.
i will try to get my point across but I'm not sure he will listen. It's either he doesnt listen or I just can't explain myself properly. It's probably a bit of both!
If he won't take your clear and direct request then this is something to raise in couples counselling. It does demonstrate a lack of respect.
I get snappy and just want to be left alone for a while and I end up being annoyed with him for the rest of the day.
To my untrained ear this sounds like resentment. It may be connected to his lack of respect.
To look at what a therapist will cover in couples counselling it helps to understand the four basic types of destructive behaviours in a relationship (often called the four horsemen):
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-gottman-method-5191408
From your writing I see contempt from both and possibly criticism from your side - these all need addressing through the techniques talked about on that page.
I've been there, done the therapy and survived which is why I know a bit about it.
I'm not qualified to give advice but a therapist would be. I would suggest getting one for your personal issues and a different one for the couples issues to avoid any clashes of interest.
It isn't that difficult in comparison to where you are at the moment and it can actually be fun at stages.
He was really good and supportive, but I feel like it's too much. He's too overly focused on my feelings and making sure I'm OK. I've told him this as well, I am very open and blunt with him. Like in the mornings, he wants to kiss and asks how I am and I get snappy and just want to be left alone for a while and I end up being annoyed with him for the rest of the day. I just want to be and not focus on my feelings all the time.
Haha i will try to get my point across but I'm not sure he will listen. It's either he doesnt listen or I just can't explain myself properly. It's probably a bit of both!
He was really good and supportive, but I feel like it's too much. He's too overly focused on my feelings and making sure I'm OK. I've told him this as well, I am very open and blunt with him. Like in the mornings, he wants to kiss and asks how I am and I get snappy and just want to be left alone for a while and I end up being annoyed with him for the rest of the day. I just want to be and not focus on my feelings all the time.
Haha i will try to get my point across but I'm not sure he will listen. It's either he doesnt listen or I just can't explain myself properly. It's probably a bit of both!
i will try to get my point across but I'm not sure he will listen. It's either he doesnt listen or I just can't explain myself properly. It's probably a bit of both!
If he won't take your clear and direct request then this is something to raise in couples counselling. It does demonstrate a lack of respect.
I get snappy and just want to be left alone for a while and I end up being annoyed with him for the rest of the day.
To my untrained ear this sounds like resentment. It may be connected to his lack of respect.
To look at what a therapist will cover in couples counselling it helps to understand the four basic types of destructive behaviours in a relationship (often called the four horsemen):
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-gottman-method-5191408
From your writing I see contempt from both and possibly criticism from your side - these all need addressing through the techniques talked about on that page.
I've been there, done the therapy and survived which is why I know a bit about it.
I'm not qualified to give advice but a therapist would be. I would suggest getting one for your personal issues and a different one for the couples issues to avoid any clashes of interest.
It isn't that difficult in comparison to where you are at the moment and it can actually be fun at stages.
