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Puzzled

Sporadic Sparkly

I'm aware that there are members past and present that have experienced or are currently experiencing issues with alcohol, and it's got me thinking about something that often used to puzzle me.

Many, many years ago I had been in a relationship with an alcoholic. I will spare you all the gory details, but whenever he hit the bottle (vodka was his preferred poison) he would always end up watching The Shawshank Redemption, which was one of his favourite films. Whilst there is nothing unusual about watching a favourite film, he would always cry and get terribly maudlin if he watched that film when he was drunk.

What I struggled to understand was why he insisted upon watching that film, when it had such a negative effect on his mood. He was fine if he watched that film when he was sober, but I just couldn't understand him wanting to watch it when he was drunk. I lost count of the occasions when he would phone me up in an almost inconsolable state after watching that film.

I'm curious as to whether what I've described might resonate with anyone. Not sure if it's relevant, but he was NT.

  • When I used to get miserable and get drunk to try to deal with that, I always felt that compulsion to wallow and bury myself in the sadness. Like I knew that going out to walk in the middle of nowhere, drinking more and listening to sad music (Elliott Smith, Godspeed, BMTH, whatever) would make that feeling even more kinda visceral and pushed to the surface but I still felt like it was all I could do. Maybe I subconsciously really needed to feel that scream at the sky thing. Maybe I wanted to punish myself in the same way as when I cut. 

    IDK. Human brains are stupid things. 

  • The psychoanalytical understanding of what drives neurotypical behaviour and social engagement is centred around guilt and debt. It's been suggested historically an exchange between 2 civilised adults will always involve a deep unshakable experience of guilt and either a creating or a sense of indebtedness toward one another without really either recognising it or understanding why.

    It's suggested these mechanics which are deeply encoded into the neuro-wiring of a neurotypical being, keep society civil, keep a sense of togetherness through a parade of selflessness and in my opinion (informed by several philosophers and psychoanalysts) mark the core fundamental difference influencing motive and reward in NT vs Autistic. 

    I'm very aware this movie hits that fundamental core of the NT and when inhibitions are overridden, they might feel a type of 'liberation' that is at once freeing and isolation or may feel seen and remorseful, as if someone peered into their guilty conscious but may have no way to ever be released from it. It's complex stuff. But makes sense this would happen. He would've been better off visiting a confessional weekly, tbf, but it sounds like he made you that confessional. We all want to be understood and known at a very core level. To some degree, NTs might feel too much like others and struggle to feel unique. There's a lot to unpack here, but this is kind of the basic stuff. 

  • in reply to Autonomistic

    I'm not dismissing what you say, as you may well be right about my ex-boyfriend craving an emotional release. It has to be said that when I felt his drinking was starting to become a cause for concern, I didn't handle it too well. My son was a young child and I didn't want him to be exposed to my ex-boyfriend's drinking. My attitude was that if he was going to get drunk, to do it in his own home and not to have any contact with me until he had sobered up. To him, it must have seemed as though I was punishing him.

    When he was drunk, he would phone up after watching that film. In addition to being tearful, he would be slurring his words and talking absolute gibberish, sometimes falling asleep on the phone mid-sentence (his snoring was a bit of a giveaway).

    After a binging session that had lasted for about 3 days, he thankfully came to his own realisation that he had a problem with alcohol, which he needed to nip in the bud. At that point, I did my best to be supportive and help him.

    Sorry. You did not need to know all that, so I apologise for going off on a bit of a tangent.

  • Crying is a good way of releasing stress and pent up emotions. However people cannot cry at will, something has to trigger it.

    It sounds like he craved that emotional release and the happy endorphins afterwards. The alcohol would be able to dull the unpleasant distressing element of the crying but he'd still get the calming effect once sober.

    I suspect that your response every time he phoned you in such a state would feed in to that craving. If upset and emotional your response would be more likely to be comforting and sympathetic than if he were just drunk.

    I found a somewhat relevant article here:

    https://udreview.com/movies-to-watch-when-you-need-a-good-cry/