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Puzzled

Sporadic Sparkly

I'm aware that there are members past and present that have experienced or are currently experiencing issues with alcohol, and it's got me thinking about something that often used to puzzle me.

Many, many years ago I had been in a relationship with an alcoholic. I will spare you all the gory details, but whenever he hit the bottle (vodka was his preferred poison) he would always end up watching The Shawshank Redemption, which was one of his favourite films. Whilst there is nothing unusual about watching a favourite film, he would always cry and get terribly maudlin if he watched that film when he was drunk.

What I struggled to understand was why he insisted upon watching that film, when it had such a negative effect on his mood. He was fine if he watched that film when he was sober, but I just couldn't understand him wanting to watch it when he was drunk. I lost count of the occasions when he would phone me up in an almost inconsolable state after watching that film.

I'm curious as to whether what I've described might resonate with anyone. Not sure if it's relevant, but he was NT.

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  • When I used to get miserable and get drunk to try to deal with that, I always felt that compulsion to wallow and bury myself in the sadness. Like I knew that going out to walk in the middle of nowhere, drinking more and listening to sad music (Elliott Smith, Godspeed, BMTH, whatever) would make that feeling even more kinda visceral and pushed to the surface but I still felt like it was all I could do. Maybe I subconsciously really needed to feel that scream at the sky thing. Maybe I wanted to punish myself in the same way as when I cut. 

    IDK. Human brains are stupid things. 

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  • When I used to get miserable and get drunk to try to deal with that, I always felt that compulsion to wallow and bury myself in the sadness. Like I knew that going out to walk in the middle of nowhere, drinking more and listening to sad music (Elliott Smith, Godspeed, BMTH, whatever) would make that feeling even more kinda visceral and pushed to the surface but I still felt like it was all I could do. Maybe I subconsciously really needed to feel that scream at the sky thing. Maybe I wanted to punish myself in the same way as when I cut. 

    IDK. Human brains are stupid things. 

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