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ASD and managing angry outburst (11year old)

J.Simpson

Evening, writing here at 10 pm as i am not at the end if the emotional line and i do not know what do to!! 

My son is 11 years old and has ASD, we only found out it was ASD in feb of this year, we was told years leading to this he had ADHD and that was the pathway he was put on to which we got the ASD diagnosis. 

I have had the local Family intervention teams in to help with his emontions, mainly anger. i have had behavioural support via his school, i have done parental courses also but every single thing ive learnt is not working the older he is getting. visual aids dont work anymore, timers, distraction, removing him or whatever is casuing the outburst away, nothing is helping. 

Basically i am really really searching for anything that can help us to manage the outburst!

any advice would be so helpful

thank you! 

  • in reply to NAS88223

    I've recently looked into PDA again (it's a profile of autism) a lot of it does resonate with my son, the past few days we've completely backed off with requests / demands / giving him more control & his mood lifted quickly.  He's still having some outbursts but not as frequently and settling down quicker.  Perhaps you can take a look on this on the PDA society website.  I feel like I'm constantly looking for answers or diagnosing him with something else, bit it's because I'm at a loss of how to help him or us as a family live together.  Sorry you're having such a tough time, I've no doubt hormones are also playing a part in it 

  • in reply to Nikmum

    I am in same boat. Feeling completely deflated and constantly sad at being shouted at and abused. Nothing appears to work and I just don’t know how people cope. My dd is 12 yrs old. Sometimes can’t see any triggers, constantly told I’m an idiot when she can’t find something she has misplaced etc. I’m always in a state of high anxiety, just don’t know where to go now for help. 

  • in reply to J.Simpson

    Hi

    I was wondering how things have been & if anything's helped?  We're having a tough time over the school holidays - sibling fighting, screen wars the lot.

    Last night my son was having a meltdown, we managed to calm it down quickly but I feel I'm walking on egg shells & have no control whatsoever over discipline & his behaviour.  It's really worrying.

    Last night he said he wishes he wasn't like this & has said things like he wishes he wasn't here.  It breaks my heart, he has such low self-esteem which is then directed at us in anger.  I've said we need to get help from professionals as me & his dad don't seem to be able to help him but he doesn't want to talk to anyone else.

    He also said he is scared of me dying and that he wouldn't be able to cope if that happened.

    I feel so sad and helpless

  • in reply to J.Simpson

    Hi, me again.

    I wonder if you have any other neurodiverse family members?  My 11 year old wasn't diagnosed ASD - but he definitely struggles socially & emotionally (outbursts / meltdowns) I just posted a couple of days ago about managing his screen time.  My younger son is 10 and was diagnosed ADHD at the same time - this made a lot of sense & causes issues between my 2 boys.  Furthermore my husband was also diagnosed ADHD / ASD and this also adds to the so called drama at home.  My husband and I have tried to do lots of research and put in place things to help with the outbursts and meltdowns.  We are waiting for local help for my ADHD son as their assessments were done privately there wasn't much follow on support.  

    I have attended a local SEND coffee morning and this was really helpful just getting advice or knowing you're not the only one in this situation.

    At home I am called every name under the sun, I have also been pushed / hit.  I have been told by others not to take this personally but that's easier said than done.  Things have improved a lot at home but that's not to say we don't have an outburst or angry words every day & now it's the summer hols, I imagine that will be difficult to maintain.

    Sometimes I do get overwhelmed & lost my temper and say things I wish I didn't but we are all human & I try not to be too hard on myself.  

    The most helpful thing is to back off when you see things escalating - give space to your son and don't push for answers or for him to do something.  Once things have calmed down later you can maybe return to the issue at hand.  I've found the last few months stressful for my son - he had a school trip which he was very anxious about and he is worried about starting a new school.  Does your son have any of these worries?  I knew my son found it very hard to verbalise what he was struggling with or even know there was an issue until he was overwhelmed.  Could this be the same for your son?  When things are heading for a melt down, I don't engage with my son as often he is just trying to get a reaction from me so he can have a fight.  I might write him a note or just talk to him very calmly / monotone.  After the meltdown he is often able to say sorry or ride the emotion so it passes.  

    Perhaps talk about safe places / activities your son can do or go to when he feels he's losing control?  I have also found some print outs online mind-maps that are easy for my son to follow / understand - sorry I can't copy the link to these?

    I also know hormonal changes around this age could play a part.  All the best xx

  • Thank you everyone for your replies!! 

    i will take everything on board!! knew i come to right place! xx

  • Hello J.Simpson,

    I'm sorry that you are struggling with your son's behaviour. The NAS website has an 'Autism and Anger Management Guide for Parents' and it might bring some light to you. Here is the link: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/anger-management/parents

    All the best,

    Karin Mod

  • I could have written this myself.  I feel for you.  I am on my way out with my kids now but will write strategies we have used when I get home later.  Reaching out for help is number 1 on the list & it seems you are doing that so well done

  • I don't have first hand experience to offer advice from, but did a bit of digging for some books that may offer more options:

    Managing Meltdowns and Tantrums on the Autism Spectrum - A Parent and Caregiver's Guide - Jenna Ward-Hawkes, Melissa Rodi (2019)
    ISBN 9781785928406

    Managing Meltdowns - Using the S.C.A.R.E.D. Calming Technique With Children and Adults with Autism - Deborah Lipsky, Will Richards (2009)
    ISBN 9781843109082

    I would have a look at the reviews on a site like Amazon before buying though.

    You mention his strength and anger are becoming problematic - this is definitely something to take up with your GP and the support team in his school as it needs consistent application of techniques to be effective

    You should also have the discussion of what the options are if things continue to deteriorate - there may be a need to medicate him if he becomes a danger to himself and/or others. I really hope this isn't the case but it is worth understanding what that route would involve and what the consequences are.

    Good luck in finding a good balance for the future.

  • He is so strong, and he gets physical when in these angry outurst i dont know how to help him, i have an appointment with CASS thursday for home support but just looking for extra help atm xxx