teenage son is girl crazy

NAS87204 said:

I have had several incidents where he is bothering girls and despite many conversations he doesn't understand that he needs to back way off.

NAS87204
Have you talked to him about consent and the legal ramifications in explicit terms?
The problem with guys in general is they are already less subtle than a falling anvil and that's the neurotypical ones. The added issue for autistic people is social skills do not come naturally, and are often belated or never fully developed to the degree that they are in non-autistic people. He might not mean to be scary when he comes on strong, but if girls are being put off like you said that is no doubt part of the issue.

I never liked porn at all. It was always lads mags for me when I was younger, although they probably wernt a great influence either 

Iain said:

he will try to use learned behaviour from TV/film and quote lines to try to fit in

This is exactly what I did! I used to watch what characters in TV and films did and how they got girlfriends and then tried to copy that. I used to think well if theyre saying or doing this or that then that must be the socially acceptable thing to do

I also once asked out a girl using lyrics from a Take That song, embaressing. 

Iain said:

Do you have a "cool uncle" or other adult he holds in high esteem that isn't hugely older than him

I also had this, my uncle was more like an older brother to me growing up and I could always talk to him about girls and stuff

Billy87 said:

girls can sense there is something different about us and see us more as the "friend" type rather than the romanticly desirable type.

That hits the nail square on the head.

I had a discussion with my therapist recently about my childhood and the ability for kids to sense who is "different" and exclude them is painfully evident. She even made a comment to the effect that psychology is only now catching up to this innate ability of children to detect the kids who are different (especially when it comes to bullies picking on autistic kids alas).

I have quite a few books on autism and noted from:

Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton - The Asperger Love Guide_ A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships. ( ISBN 1 4129 1910 X )

Flirting is an art based on all of these non-verbal behaviours. Therefore reading others’ flirting and flirting yourself may provedifficult and confusing.
Consider the following figures:
● 55% of the impression we get from someone comes through body language
● 38% is from the tone, speed and intonation (pitch) of our voice
● 7% is from what we actually say!

Since 93% of the communication comes from skills that aspies are often lacking, it is no wonder your son is struggling.

He may want to have a read at:
Grandin, Temple_Barron, Sean - Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism ( ISBN: 9781941765388 )

It is a bit dated in some points but the overall writing is relevant.

If your son is like me and lots of other aspies, he will try to use learned behaviour from TV/film and quote lines to try to fit in - this isn't a good way to try to convince an adolescent girl that he is mature enough to consider dating.

His sexual behaviour will probably also be informed by porn which is kind of scary if you expect girls to behave in the way they do in those videos. A frank talk is pretty important if you have not already done it - expect much cringing though.

Do you have a "cool uncle" or other adult he holds in high esteem that isn't hugely older than him? Having a "no question ignored" talk in private and occasional mentoring may help a lot - it did for me.

Failing that, tell him to get fit, keep clean and dress well and with luck 21st century equality will lead the girls to ask him out if he dials back the harrassing behaviour.

It is a challenging time, but also a fun one if he knows more about what the rules are.

Hello, Just had a few thoughts in reply to your post that I hope may help. I was very similar to your son at his age. 

Firstly-  you mention that he is a happy boy. This is really important. It sounds as if the situation with girls is not making him depressed or miserable. Cling on to that, dont make him feel like he is wierd or there is something wrong with him as thats when it could lead to him becoming depressed or isolated

Second- As other people have said, being girl crazy at 16 is perfectly normal. Most boys are, autistic or otherwise. The difference with us autistic boys, (not wishing to generalise, we are all different) is that, in my experience at least, girls can sense there is something different about us and see us more as the "friend" type rather than the romanticly desirable type. This is really difficult for us as we want to have girls as friends but we also want romance and love and companionship and physical things and so we end up falling for our friends and, in so doing, ruining the friendships. You mention about him asking his friends out on dates which makes me think he has a lot of female friends, same as I did at his age. 

As for bothering girls and not knowing when to back off, I think a lot of this comes down to our inability to read social cues and read other people . When I was his age I used to marvel at how other lads instinctively seemed to know whether a girl was into them or not. I never had any idea, I just had to make wild guesses. Sometimes I would be accused of bothering a girl because I thought she was interested when she wasn't and other times I would miss out on a chance to date girls who were interested in me cos I had no idea. It is incredibly hard to read these things for us. 

Mainly, just go easy on him. Hes not abnormal, he just sounds like a nice decent lad that wants a girlfriend but doesn't have much luck getting one and, because of his autism, doesn;t know how to read signs or "chat girls up" like NT lads do. And you sound like a loving, devoted parent who just wants the best for him and worries about him. With all that you will all be ok in the long run!

Its a difficult world for teenage boys with autism, especially these days when the actions of the male species are so harshly judged in society. Just be there for him and help him along the way, thats all you can do.

Just to reassure you it will work out OK, I was in his boat as a teenager and I hardly had a girlfriend until I was in my 20s and yet now Im happily married for 7 years with 2 beautiful children. He will be ok!

Very well put. Autistic people deserve companionship and fulfillment as much as anyone else

to be fair just getting standard friends is hard enough let alone romantic friends.
its likely a mix of lack of talking and lack of body language and eye contact. makes us appear we are ignoring everyone and dont want anything to do with anyone.

i wouldnt even know how to start to even get a romantic partner myself, do you try the impossible friend route first then upgrade it or a more risky vulgar cringe straight in for the kill route? either way i prefer anyone to just come to me instead and do all the work in either friend or relationship case lol 

to be fair even then i probs ignore some... i was walking back from bargain booze with some beers and i think some woman tried to speak to me from behind, i just ignored her and carried on walking thinking she aint getting any of my beers, they have to last a month! lol 

Except that’s not true. I have known some very overtly sexual women over the years. Women who made no secret about having regular casual sex and having a generally high sex drive. And the men they were attracted to were definitely not celibate monk types.

it’s quite bizarre you could have two men approach the same woman in effectively the same way say the same things and one will be ‘ew you’re a creep’ and the other will be in her bed later that night.

so my conclusion is that for many women it’s not being approached in a sexual way that  determines whether or not they will reciprocate. Rather they have probably decided maybe even before you open your mouth whether or not they will reciprocate and whether or not they wish to reciprocate is probably a big deciding factor on whether or not they’re okay with being approached in a sexual way. In short as with everything else women expect men to be mind readers. Which sucks if you’re an autistic man who is physically incapable of this.

As a kid who had a father I can guarantee you they’re not particularly good at this kind of thing either. In fact nine times out of 10 they will tell the Mum to handle it.

This is why kids need a Father, to mentor them.

Mums would always jump to worst-case scenarios. Boys and girls need to learn responsibility.

I mean from a normal teenage behaviour point of view there is nothing inherently autistic about being girl crazy being a 16-year-old boy and being girl crazy is normal. Abnormal thing is having absolutely no success and losing lots of friends over it. That may be an autistic thing but if it is the solution isn’t to stop him trying it’s to help him succeed.

what is it about Neurotypical‘s seem to think it’s acceptable to think that autistic people should just give up on having a romantic or sexual relationships. This ‘if at first you don’t succeed give up’ attitude. since when did that ever do anyone any good. Even their own parents seem to think it’s perfectly normal that because their child happens to have autism they won’t get  to grow up and have wives and children and live normal lives with the opposite sex and this is just something that just has to be accepted.

you wouldn’t get that anywhere else. if a kid in a wheelchair wanted to do basketball they say to them well you can do wheelchair basketball. But apparently autism is such a handicap when it comes to relationships as far as they are concerned that attempting to have a romantic or sexual relationship is completely unrealistic as far they are concerned. There is no attempt to help them overcome that obstacle like there would be with say a job or a sport they wanted to do

yeah thats normal, just normal male hormones. it will drive him fucking crazy and make him super sexual and push him to want to find anyone or anything that itchs that scratch, no matter who or what it is, which is why in prisons even heteros end up doing gay stuff with the others despite not being gay lol

he will be alone, because women seem to not understand men and are repulsed by any hint that they may have sexual urges or feelings. that repulses women entirely. women want a man who is more like a celibate monk and has no desires or emotions at all.

I was in the same scenario, I was 'Just a Friend'.

In the end, I became a recluse. 

the Is problem you’re asking him to go against his innate instincts. Instinct so hardwired into the human brain that we’ve had them forever and if we didn’t have them we’d probably go extinct.

you saying back off back off May stop him losing friends but it isn’t going to get him a girlfriend and he knows this. Because he was probably interested in girls long before he started approaching them so boldly and playing it cool back then never got him a girlfriend.

this is one of those cases where you cannot stop the behaviour you have to try and modify it. You cannot expect him to stop trying to get a girlfriend. So I suggest instead you put your mind to figuring out how he can get a girlfriend in a way that doesn’t alienate a lot of people.

here let me ask you a different question. Why do you think they all said no? I mean evidently your son is amiable enough and likable enough to have a circle of friends. Why do you think out of all of those friends no Girl wants to date him?