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Am I bad?

Liv

Hi everyone,

I don't know, but I've just been so frustrated of late. I'm sick of being dismissed. I know I've talked about the "we all feel like that", "everyone's on the spectrum" insipid so called "comforts" NTs give us before, and got a huge response, but people say it more and more, and it's got to the point where whenever anyone says anything along those lines, I just want to burst into tears. It just makes me feel...every time someone says it, they're reminding me what a failure I am. I know I should be just getting on with it like everyone else. They're also making me feel like I have my difficulties because I'm a wicked person, not because I'm different. Maybe I'm not different at all. Maybe I'm just horrible, that's why I'm alone.

It got me the other day - we were all given the task of writing short honest autobiographical accounts for A Level Drama. I was one of the first to do mine, and though everyone was very supportive, my teacher (who I must say, I adore) said, "Well Livvy, I'm sure if we polled everyone in this room, they'd feel just like you do a lot of the time". (Maybe so, but at least they've all got someone to sit with in the common room.) Then someone else in the class, an absolutely lovely guy, wrote about his struggle with coming to terms with his sexuality, and everyone respected him whereas no one respects me. Am I bad to feel upset by that? I know what he's been through is probably tougher than what I have, since you get such ignorant, prejudiced idiots in secondary schools (well, in society, but you know what I mean). So I doubt I have any right, but inside, I was hurt. I'd love someone to respect me. I don't want a chip on my shoulder, but sometimes I feel like I've fought every day for nothing.

I'm tired of hurting. My chest hurts all the time. I wish I wasn't so negative. I wish I didn't think of it as such a curse. I wish I could be a role model and an inspiration, but I can't. I hurt too much. I know I have a pathetic victim mindset, but it just feels so unfair.

I am so fed up I just want to throw my laptop across the room, to be honest. And here right now, listening to myself crying and sniffling, I just want to slap myself I'm so unhappy. I just want to be someone else. Someone slim and beautiful and NT like my sister. Also, I want to be held. I've been having dreams about weighing less, taking up less space, and being held, feeling someone else's heartbeat, and the softness of their skin, and their smell, you know, in a romantic way...is that sick and wrong? It's a horrid feeling. I wish I didn't feel like it. I don't want to feel at all anymore.

I'm sorry about the rant. I just feel so full of gall and venom and darkness and hate and loneliness and uselessness. I know it's not right, I know. But what can I do?

  • Hi Liv,

    As you see from all the other response, we know how it is, because many of us have been where you are now. That doesn't stop the hurt of getting through this part of your life I know, but see the words as a verbal hug. I think anyone who expresses themselves as beautifully as you do, should write. A diary, poetry, short stories or articles, about where you are in life and how you feel. It might help relieve some of the stress, to let it out. Write down your wishes for yourself then perhaps, plan how you might achieve them. But first, be kind to yourself - stop beating yourself up. If the people around you are insensitive, pity them for what they lack, but don't believe them. Sometimes, sensory treats can reduce the stress. Music, candlelight, scented oil, soft clothing, etc, can be relaxing. There's so much warmth in the responses you've had that I hope you realise that there are other people who really do care. 

  • Hi Liv,

    It might be helpful for you to give us a call on 0808 800 4104. We have several befriender schemes that could be of interest, as well as support groups.

     

    Take care,
    Anil 

  • Hi Liv,

    You come across as an intelligent, thoughtful young woman, full of intense emotion and soul searching. Things must be quite confusing for you; you are struggling with normal teenage angst plus the problems associated with Aspergers. Things will be a lot harder for you than a neurotypical teen, so be kind to yourself.

    I know what you mean about ignorant people who really do not have a clue about Aspergers - I have experienced this myself. The people in question need educating and reminding that we are not all on the spectrum, just as we don't all have ME!.

  • IntenseWorld said:

    You have a lot of issues to deal with:

    • hormones
    • growing up
    • being on the spectrum

    Hormones alone can make you feel sad and moody.  You have the pressure of being in a social environment with high volumes of people plus the pressures of doing schoolwork well.

    I know exactly what you mean about NTs saying "oh everyone feels like that sometimes" attitude.  It is very annoying, and they have no idea.

    I utterly disagree with the notion that "we are all on the spectrum" too.  I think the people who say that (professional or otherwise) totally don't get that we have magnified versions of what NTs have plus our own unique traits and behaviours.  You should look up "Intense World Theory" (yes, it's where I chose my username from).

    The whole issue as you are feeling, is that NTs do not largely accept our disability as it is invisible.  They find it hard to understand how it can be so debilitating when we "look so normal".  And because of looking "normal" we have a massive societal pressure to play the part.  This is what contributes to most of "Aspie burnout".

    I wonder whether you would feel like, and whether your school would be up for, either yourself or another person on the spectrum to give a talk about what it's like.

    Also, you should get your peers to read this: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

    It's about a woman with Lupus, but the parallels are spot on with HFA/AS.

    Hi, thanks so much for replying. I read the article and found it very moving. It was really interesting that the article was about lupus, because again, that's an invisible illness which not many people are particularly educated about - I liken AS to ME, because we've got a family friend who once became very ill with ME and people always said things along the lines of, "Oh, we all get tired," when she was suffering far more than they could even imagine. At the moment, a girl from the ASC unit where I help out during my free periods and I are going to tutor groups (or mentor groups, as we call them at our school) and doing a presentation about being AS but it's more focused on bullying than the finer details of living with the condition. In fact, it's not even specific to ASCs - it's more "don't pick on anyone, let alone vulnerable kids," though I'd really like to add another dimension to it, for the kids who genuinely do want to be educated on vulnerability in society. Maybe I could include the Spoon Theory in it? Thank you very much for your time, and for showing me that webpage. Smile xxx

  • Scorpion0x17 said:

    Hi Liv,

    Firstly, let me tell you, I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel like that at times when I was younger. And I'm male.

    Now I don't know you, but, from what you've written, I very much doubt you're a horrible person.

    As you say yourself, many people in society are ignorant, and prejudiced. We are cursed with a 'hidden disability' and many NTs think that they go through the kinds of things we go through. But, well, maybe they do on occasion, but we live it every second of every day, not just occasionally. And, because they can not possibly know what it is like to be on the Spectrum, and we 'look normal' from the outside, they assume they know what it's like, when they don't.

    There is nothing wrong with hurting. What we go through does hurt a lot of the time.

    Don't punish yourself for something that isn't your fault.

    Also, based on what you said about being in secondary school, no, the things you've been having dreams about are not sick and wrong - they're natural, normal, and very healthy, things to be thinking and dreaming about at your age.

    Do you have someone you trust? Someone you can talk to? Someone who understands what it means to be on the Spectrum slightly better than the average person?

    I know that sharing things like this, person to person, is something that is very hard for some of us on the Spectrum, but you might find it helps.

    Hi, thank you very much for your reply. It's nice to know I might not actually be a horrible person. Yes I do have people I can trust, I have professionals and my family, but this doesn't stop it being hard. Particularly with my family, because although they're endlessly supportive, sometimes it becomes a real burden to them and causes tension. I'm also really glad you were supportive about the dreams - I'm not shy or reserved about what I discuss, but I was slightly embarrassed about discussing that. Thanks again. Innocent xxx

  • You have a lot of issues to deal with:

    • hormones
    • growing up
    • being on the spectrum

    Hormones alone can make you feel sad and moody.  You have the pressure of being in a social environment with high volumes of people plus the pressures of doing schoolwork well.

    I know exactly what you mean about NTs saying "oh everyone feels like that sometimes" attitude.  It is very annoying, and they have no idea.

    I utterly disagree with the notion that "we are all on the spectrum" too.  I think the people who say that (professional or otherwise) totally don't get that we have magnified versions of what NTs have plus our own unique traits and behaviours.  You should look up "Intense World Theory" (yes, it's where I chose my username from).

    The whole issue as you are feeling, is that NTs do not largely accept our disability as it is invisible.  They find it hard to understand how it can be so debilitating when we "look so normal".  And because of looking "normal" we have a massive societal pressure to play the part.  This is what contributes to most of "Aspie burnout".

    I wonder whether you would feel like, and whether your school would be up for, either yourself or another person on the spectrum to give a talk about what it's like.

    Also, you should get your peers to read this: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

    It's about a woman with Lupus, but the parallels are spot on with HFA/AS.

  • Hi Liv,

    Firstly, let me tell you, I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel like that at times when I was younger. And I'm male.

    Now I don't know you, but, from what you've written, I very much doubt you're a horrible person.

    As you say yourself, many people in society are ignorant, and prejudiced. We are cursed with a 'hidden disability' and many NTs think that they go through the kinds of things we go through. But, well, maybe they do on occasion, but we live it every second of every day, not just occasionally. And, because they can not possibly know what it is like to be on the Spectrum, and we 'look normal' from the outside, they assume they know what it's like, when they don't.

    There is nothing wrong with hurting. What we go through does hurt a lot of the time.

    Don't punish yourself for something that isn't your fault.

    Also, based on what you said about being in secondary school, no, the things you've been having dreams about are not sick and wrong - they're natural, normal, and very healthy, things to be thinking and dreaming about at your age.

    Do you have someone you trust? Someone you can talk to? Someone who understands what it means to be on the Spectrum slightly better than the average person?

    I know that sharing things like this, person to person, is something that is very hard for some of us on the Spectrum, but you might find it helps.