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Am I bad?

Liv

Hi everyone,

I don't know, but I've just been so frustrated of late. I'm sick of being dismissed. I know I've talked about the "we all feel like that", "everyone's on the spectrum" insipid so called "comforts" NTs give us before, and got a huge response, but people say it more and more, and it's got to the point where whenever anyone says anything along those lines, I just want to burst into tears. It just makes me feel...every time someone says it, they're reminding me what a failure I am. I know I should be just getting on with it like everyone else. They're also making me feel like I have my difficulties because I'm a wicked person, not because I'm different. Maybe I'm not different at all. Maybe I'm just horrible, that's why I'm alone.

It got me the other day - we were all given the task of writing short honest autobiographical accounts for A Level Drama. I was one of the first to do mine, and though everyone was very supportive, my teacher (who I must say, I adore) said, "Well Livvy, I'm sure if we polled everyone in this room, they'd feel just like you do a lot of the time". (Maybe so, but at least they've all got someone to sit with in the common room.) Then someone else in the class, an absolutely lovely guy, wrote about his struggle with coming to terms with his sexuality, and everyone respected him whereas no one respects me. Am I bad to feel upset by that? I know what he's been through is probably tougher than what I have, since you get such ignorant, prejudiced idiots in secondary schools (well, in society, but you know what I mean). So I doubt I have any right, but inside, I was hurt. I'd love someone to respect me. I don't want a chip on my shoulder, but sometimes I feel like I've fought every day for nothing.

I'm tired of hurting. My chest hurts all the time. I wish I wasn't so negative. I wish I didn't think of it as such a curse. I wish I could be a role model and an inspiration, but I can't. I hurt too much. I know I have a pathetic victim mindset, but it just feels so unfair.

I am so fed up I just want to throw my laptop across the room, to be honest. And here right now, listening to myself crying and sniffling, I just want to slap myself I'm so unhappy. I just want to be someone else. Someone slim and beautiful and NT like my sister. Also, I want to be held. I've been having dreams about weighing less, taking up less space, and being held, feeling someone else's heartbeat, and the softness of their skin, and their smell, you know, in a romantic way...is that sick and wrong? It's a horrid feeling. I wish I didn't feel like it. I don't want to feel at all anymore.

I'm sorry about the rant. I just feel so full of gall and venom and darkness and hate and loneliness and uselessness. I know it's not right, I know. But what can I do?

Parents

  • Hi Liv,

    Firstly, let me tell you, I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel like that at times when I was younger. And I'm male.

    Now I don't know you, but, from what you've written, I very much doubt you're a horrible person.

    As you say yourself, many people in society are ignorant, and prejudiced. We are cursed with a 'hidden disability' and many NTs think that they go through the kinds of things we go through. But, well, maybe they do on occasion, but we live it every second of every day, not just occasionally. And, because they can not possibly know what it is like to be on the Spectrum, and we 'look normal' from the outside, they assume they know what it's like, when they don't.

    There is nothing wrong with hurting. What we go through does hurt a lot of the time.

    Don't punish yourself for something that isn't your fault.

    Also, based on what you said about being in secondary school, no, the things you've been having dreams about are not sick and wrong - they're natural, normal, and very healthy, things to be thinking and dreaming about at your age.

    Do you have someone you trust? Someone you can talk to? Someone who understands what it means to be on the Spectrum slightly better than the average person?

    I know that sharing things like this, person to person, is something that is very hard for some of us on the Spectrum, but you might find it helps.

Reply

  • Hi Liv,

    Firstly, let me tell you, I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel like that at times when I was younger. And I'm male.

    Now I don't know you, but, from what you've written, I very much doubt you're a horrible person.

    As you say yourself, many people in society are ignorant, and prejudiced. We are cursed with a 'hidden disability' and many NTs think that they go through the kinds of things we go through. But, well, maybe they do on occasion, but we live it every second of every day, not just occasionally. And, because they can not possibly know what it is like to be on the Spectrum, and we 'look normal' from the outside, they assume they know what it's like, when they don't.

    There is nothing wrong with hurting. What we go through does hurt a lot of the time.

    Don't punish yourself for something that isn't your fault.

    Also, based on what you said about being in secondary school, no, the things you've been having dreams about are not sick and wrong - they're natural, normal, and very healthy, things to be thinking and dreaming about at your age.

    Do you have someone you trust? Someone you can talk to? Someone who understands what it means to be on the Spectrum slightly better than the average person?

    I know that sharing things like this, person to person, is something that is very hard for some of us on the Spectrum, but you might find it helps.

Children
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