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Am I bad?

Liv

Hi everyone,

I don't know, but I've just been so frustrated of late. I'm sick of being dismissed. I know I've talked about the "we all feel like that", "everyone's on the spectrum" insipid so called "comforts" NTs give us before, and got a huge response, but people say it more and more, and it's got to the point where whenever anyone says anything along those lines, I just want to burst into tears. It just makes me feel...every time someone says it, they're reminding me what a failure I am. I know I should be just getting on with it like everyone else. They're also making me feel like I have my difficulties because I'm a wicked person, not because I'm different. Maybe I'm not different at all. Maybe I'm just horrible, that's why I'm alone.

It got me the other day - we were all given the task of writing short honest autobiographical accounts for A Level Drama. I was one of the first to do mine, and though everyone was very supportive, my teacher (who I must say, I adore) said, "Well Livvy, I'm sure if we polled everyone in this room, they'd feel just like you do a lot of the time". (Maybe so, but at least they've all got someone to sit with in the common room.) Then someone else in the class, an absolutely lovely guy, wrote about his struggle with coming to terms with his sexuality, and everyone respected him whereas no one respects me. Am I bad to feel upset by that? I know what he's been through is probably tougher than what I have, since you get such ignorant, prejudiced idiots in secondary schools (well, in society, but you know what I mean). So I doubt I have any right, but inside, I was hurt. I'd love someone to respect me. I don't want a chip on my shoulder, but sometimes I feel like I've fought every day for nothing.

I'm tired of hurting. My chest hurts all the time. I wish I wasn't so negative. I wish I didn't think of it as such a curse. I wish I could be a role model and an inspiration, but I can't. I hurt too much. I know I have a pathetic victim mindset, but it just feels so unfair.

I am so fed up I just want to throw my laptop across the room, to be honest. And here right now, listening to myself crying and sniffling, I just want to slap myself I'm so unhappy. I just want to be someone else. Someone slim and beautiful and NT like my sister. Also, I want to be held. I've been having dreams about weighing less, taking up less space, and being held, feeling someone else's heartbeat, and the softness of their skin, and their smell, you know, in a romantic way...is that sick and wrong? It's a horrid feeling. I wish I didn't feel like it. I don't want to feel at all anymore.

I'm sorry about the rant. I just feel so full of gall and venom and darkness and hate and loneliness and uselessness. I know it's not right, I know. But what can I do?

Parents

  • Hi Liv,

    As you see from all the other response, we know how it is, because many of us have been where you are now. That doesn't stop the hurt of getting through this part of your life I know, but see the words as a verbal hug. I think anyone who expresses themselves as beautifully as you do, should write. A diary, poetry, short stories or articles, about where you are in life and how you feel. It might help relieve some of the stress, to let it out. Write down your wishes for yourself then perhaps, plan how you might achieve them. But first, be kind to yourself - stop beating yourself up. If the people around you are insensitive, pity them for what they lack, but don't believe them. Sometimes, sensory treats can reduce the stress. Music, candlelight, scented oil, soft clothing, etc, can be relaxing. There's so much warmth in the responses you've had that I hope you realise that there are other people who really do care. 

Reply

  • Hi Liv,

    As you see from all the other response, we know how it is, because many of us have been where you are now. That doesn't stop the hurt of getting through this part of your life I know, but see the words as a verbal hug. I think anyone who expresses themselves as beautifully as you do, should write. A diary, poetry, short stories or articles, about where you are in life and how you feel. It might help relieve some of the stress, to let it out. Write down your wishes for yourself then perhaps, plan how you might achieve them. But first, be kind to yourself - stop beating yourself up. If the people around you are insensitive, pity them for what they lack, but don't believe them. Sometimes, sensory treats can reduce the stress. Music, candlelight, scented oil, soft clothing, etc, can be relaxing. There's so much warmth in the responses you've had that I hope you realise that there are other people who really do care. 

Children
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