Have no idea what to do with life.

Hey.

Yes; You are not wrong to post here. I was undiagnosed two weeks ago, and I am diagnosed now. So I can appreciate where you are coming from, feeling like an imposter, but you do have a place here, and the community are always around to reply.

I would advise that if you have an assessment booked with a autism screening provider, you should entreat them for an earlier appointment, as the waiting time is negatively affecting you. 
On the bright side, if you are in university, you have a remarkable head start on I, as I had to wait until 27<28 for my screening.  

On the other side of the diagnosis, I have found a remarkable amount of resources waiting, especially regarding guaranteed interviews (with some employers) and courses; There is a mountain of university resources available. So chin up, you are not far away from an answer, some of us wait a lifetime for help.  

It’s not too easy to fall in the UK, as daunting as it may seem, as there are a multitude of agencies waiting to be embraced by the diligent. Remember that, depressive attacks go as quickly as they come, you can wait for the dust to settle before you call a situation hopeless, I hope that you get the support that is right for you.

I’d also like to add to a few points regarding homeless (local connections issue), university trials and tribulations, and psychological blocks.

On homelessness, I was homeless for a long time after my ‘college-try’ (sofa surfing, shelters, beds it’s, and rough sleeping). I went to the YMCA, after I was not told about them for years, I never had an issue with the ‘local-connection’ after I used my university lecturer for a reference. I lived in shared accommodation and consequently did not pay council tax. I then moved into a bedsit, run by the YMCA after much catastrophising, I had my Council Tax reduced to zero on account of my impoverished state. So please don’t fret about homelessness, and if you need it please consider the YMCA, your negative automatic thoughts are worse than the reality.

On employment I have to say that the hardships that the workplace put me through; is well documented and similar in AS literature. I can only tell you that that, the Autism Support Groups and resources offered to the Autism community will offset a lot of that load, you may never even have to see the ugly side of the neurotypical world, here’s to hoping.

On the point of psychological blocks, in the absence of a diagnosis and the attached resources, I have found that reading has helped alot. Before my diagnosis I had a CBT stint that focus on perfectionism and negative automatic thoughts, although it did not get to the core of the problem, it did help me to analyse and mitigate the psychological demands, that my environment has exposed me to over the years. If nothing else read fiction, as it can at least give you the mental dexterity it requires to be atypical in a typical world.

In as much as University is concerned I had a terrible time at University, as I found that I had no support with the social impairment and the executive function issues that I have, I found that my life prior to University had little exposed me to what I found there. It was decided that after spending three years in a constant state of overload, shut down and meltdown; I had earned the right to pass my honours degree despite having been reduced to a catatonic, mute mess just after I managed to push my dissertation over the line. I think that the resources and considerations that can be provided to you, once you have your diagnosis, will greatly increase your support and even enjoyment of your university experience. So I say again that if you entreat the service provider responsible for your screening, the manager may consider moving you ahead as a  priority. 

I hope this digression helps in some small way, I know that it is the greater part of the torture to wait, your time will come and far sooner that it did for me!

I’d also like to add to a few points regarding homeless (local connections issue), university trials and tribulations, and psychological blocks.

On homelessness, I was homeless for a long time after my ‘college-try’ (sofa surfing, shelters, beds it’s, and rough sleeping). I went to the YMCA, after I was not told about them for years, I never had an issue with the ‘local-connection’ after I used my university lecturer for a reference. I lived in shared accommodation and consequently did not pay council tax. I then moved into a bedsit, run by the YMCA after much catastrophising, I had my Council Tax reduced to zero on account of my impoverished state. So please don’t fret about homelessness, and if you need it please consider the YMCA, your negative automatic thoughts are worse than the reality.

On employment I have to say that the hardships that the workplace put me through; is well documented and similar in AS literature. I can only tell you that that, the Autism Support Groups and resources offered to the Autism community will offset a lot of that load, you may never even have to see the ugly side of the neurotypical world, here’s to hoping.

On the point of psychological blocks, in the absence of a diagnosis and the attached resources, I have found that reading has helped alot. Before my diagnosis I had a CBT stint that focus on perfectionism and negative automatic thoughts, although it did not get to the core of the problem, it did help me to analyse and mitigate the psychological demands, that my environment has exposed me to over the years. If nothing else read fiction, as it can at least give you the mental dexterity it requires to be atypical in a typical world.

In as much as University is concerned I had a terrible time at University, as I found that I had no support with the social impairment and the executive function issues that I have, I found that my life prior to University had little exposed me to what I found there. It was decided that after spending three years in a constant state of overload, shut down and meltdown; I had earned the right to pass my honours degree despite having been reduced to a catatonic, mute mess just after I managed to push my dissertation over the line. I think that the resources and considerations that can be provided to you, once you have your diagnosis, will greatly increase your support and even enjoyment of your university experience. So I say again that if you entreat the service provider responsible for your screening, the manager may consider moving you ahead as a  priority. 

I hope this digression helps in some small way, I know that it is the greater part of the torture to wait, your time will come and far sooner that it did for me!

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it.

I will try to adjust to the world from a different perspective since now I’ve learned more about myself. 

As for interests, yes I do have a lot of interests but because of ADHD. It can be quite difficult for me to stay on the same task. I did want to learn a lot of stuff related to some of my uncommon hobbies but never had the opportunity. However, after university when I have more time to manage I’m sure I will be able to develop more skills even if i wasn’t successful in the end I can still enjoy the journey. 

I wish that I could say that this  kind of battling was different when I went to university, I never fought harder against myself or against the neurotypical world as I did at university. Reading the tip-of-the-iceberg, that I am sure your comments are, is cathartic to me.
The jewel-in-the-crown of autism, is the ability to systemise our exposure to our interests, so I say that the more you expose yourself to your ‘obsession’, as autistic interest is sometimes called, the more powerful you will become.
I found the ‘neurotypical’ university experience to be quite difficult, and others found it difficult to experience me, I found my strength in making the most of my interests and absorbing my gain. In essence I think that ‘neurotypical’ schooling has been the biggest hinderance to my education. I think that you will be quite amazed when you finally realise that you are not alone; and quite amazed that there is a way to interact with the world that will make you endlessly more efficient and comfortable.

Try not to throw aside your pencil and be discouraged by the ‘neurotypical’ experience, people on the autistic spectrum do their best work when they practice their interest, so pick up your pencil and carry on.
I’m rambling on a bit now, but I hope you can appreciate that I only doffed the armour of despair two weeks ago, when I see an individual walking similar steps I cannot help but offer my insights. One should not have to don that shroud; I hope that you succeed and do not have to cater to survival alone.

I think that it is better for me to have written to much than to leave a conversation incomplete, the best thing you can have in these moments is confidence, don’t feel as if you are defective because you been running a race with a handicap. An Anthropologist on mars is not unintelligent because he does not understand Mars as well as Martians; you will grow in confidence and skill once you have an appropriate support network, as would an Anthropologist on Mars.

Thank you so much for your detailed response! I will have a look at YMCA.

As for my university, I also have other learning difficulties so I’m in contact with the disability department. However, they’re only helpful on getting me about two weeks worth of extensions(which did help me). They also tried to connect my department on my behalf but didn’t really want to do much when my department is really slow on responding and quite dismissive. This along put a lot of stress on me, because ideally I would like to have more time to do my dissertation and especially this year I have been occupied with many other personal issues so I spent almost to none time on my study.