Funny moments of realisation

I think this one sort of fits. I called I with my parents for dinner yesterday. While I'm doing the dishes, my mum walks in and says 'how's it going with your bed?' I said 'The new electric blanket's working out pretty well thanks'. She looked at me in an 'are you taking the piss?' way, and I stood for a few seconds trying to work out why. Then I realised she meant the back room bunkbeds (the previous houseowner left them and they were useful for occasional nephew stay-overs for a time) that I'd spent a not inconsiderable amount of time the day before partially dismantling with an allen key and screwdriver. And hammer! 

I don't know whether it was that the singular 'bed' vs plural 'bunkbeds' just automatically deleted the way more relevant thing from my mind, but a touch of over-literality does seem to leave me prone to missing the obvious sometimes. The flipside is that I sometimes get to see round corners on other things in ways most people don't. Though that can hurt as much as it helps, there is less blissful ignorance to be had in life. 

I did find reading this message to be another one of those instances where you reflect on what you read and see yourself in it. I too can take things quite literally, or if I miss the prompts, assume I’m having a different conversation to the one the other party is having.

I was involved in an online meeting with a few other people in a similar job role to myself. The person leading the meeting asked us to come up with an idea in response to a certain question. We all did so. After, they turned to the first person and directly asked what their response was, we all listened, they turned to the next person and directly asked what their response was. I was rehearsing my response, as I do in these moments. They then turned to me and asked “So how are you doing?” This, not only was different wording to what I’d prepared myself for, but in my eyes was a totally different question. I didn’t know how to reply at that point and everything went out of my head as I battled the urge to explain how I was, emotionally, in response to the wording of their question, rather than what I anticipated the question to be. Rather than asking how I was doing, they were asking, how are you doing in response to the question. I had to ask for confirmation of what I was actually being asked in the end. I get the impression that they thought I was either unprepared or that I wasn’t listening properly. All resolved in the end, but for me, wording is quite helpful, so the more specific you can be, the better.

Although, the burden of understanding, considering communication is a two way thing, doesn’t lie solely with me in this instance. As is quite possibly the case with the example you mentioned. Very interesting to read though, so thanks for your reply.

Your last paragraph is very true. It used to be said by someone "come on, put two and two together". First this used to make me feel I was stupid.  Secondly I thought it was their problem.  Now I know it's probably a good dose of the doubly empathy problem. However I always feel its me who shoulders it.

I walked through the downstairs door once from the daughty hall. As i just did, my partner asked "can you shut the door, it's cold" so I did. But he didn't mean the one I walked through,  he meant the back door that was open to the outside. I asked how I was supposed to know he meant the one I hadn't just walked through. But apparently it was obvious which door he meant. I don't know if some of it is just general communication between 2 people or man/woman but I've had other instances too elsewhere which have required a leap of faith and double processing in order to get through it.

Talking to someone about a particular topic for a few mins then she said "so what have you got going on?" she meant in relation to the topic but I didn't know if she had just meant in my general life. I turned to my partner who instinctively knew I was confused and he filled the gap.

Unknown said:

I suppose masking is a bit like fake it till you make it but it's quite subconscious

I hadn’t really thought about this side of things. I do mask, quite subconsciously, a lot. It’s very noticeable to others when that starts to ‘slip’ when I’m spinning too many plates (to borrow a very unusual term). I think for me, the fake it till you make it side of things more applies to people not really caring enough (without meaning to be too harsh sounding) about something to actually be good at something. Loudest voice in the room and all of that. Where as masking, for me at least, is about trying to be relatable to those that actually can’t quite relate in the ways that I need them to. 

The question of ‘does it really matter?’ Is a good one. I might try and apply this idea a little in my own life. It’s good to advocate for yourself is what I’m learning. This is, of course, much easier some days vs. others. Today I would have been useless at it! Tomorrow, perhaps not.

Unknown said:

Rather than just saying for example that we can struggle with XYZ, I need to understand the why's! 

Why was always my favourite question growing up. I’m pleased to say, it still is! Why is very important to me. It goes back to the understanding and certainty side of things. I think more people should ask why to things. 

More questions = more opportunity to learn and understand. This is probably an oversimplification, but a nice idea to start a series of thoughts from!

Oakling said:

This whole ‘fake it until you make it’ approach that so many are happy to apply really doesn’t work for me.

For me theres a strong need for things to be authentic (ie right!) and so if I see through people who are faking it till they make it, I have some sort of difficulty with them in my head. They might have much less anxiety though.... (Also I suppose masking is a bit like fake it till you make it but it's quite subconscious). I feel as ive developed I'm taking people more as they are, maybe cos I'm trying to do it a bit more with myself. 

I feel, for some people, they don't need certainty too much and they are able to accept a general sense of something and be ok with that. I'm trying a bit more now to ask "does it really matter". For instance today I collected a parcel off my neighbour. In the past she wouldve wanted lots of chat and I wouldve masked but today I didn't and it was a purposeful transaction. When I came in I wondered if I should've had a bit of chat....but I didn't want to. I didn't want to and that's ok! So I've listened to my own needs and been assertive with myself which is a small chipping away.

I do feel better in understanding a bit more in depth about autism such as monotropism, inertia, and sensory things (I think a lot of it is ideas...it seems nobody really "knows" fully what autism is) but knowing a bit more from a different angle helps. Rather than just saying for example that we can struggle with XYZ, I need to understand the why's! 

It's nice to hear from someone who "gets" some of the same experience. Everyone is different and there are so many different experiences of being autistic. A lot of the time I can't relate to others on the spectrum. 

It’s fascinating to see a take on things from a perspective that I entirely agree with, due to seeing it that way myself. I apologise if I’m overstating it, but it really doesn’t happen that often. It’s actually kind of refreshing.

Unknown said:

knot of frustration when it comes down to matter of principle.

A great description of the internal battles I face when something is ‘wrong’. E.g. someone parks in another spot, when they usually park elsewhere, even though that original spot is still free (this really sets me off, due to the lack of logic and not understanding the sudden and temporary change, when a change like that for me would be huge and take prep time).

I too see detail first. The importance of selecting the right word and a lack of vagueness, in my opinion, are the cornerstones of understanding and communication. This whole ‘fake it until you make it’ approach that so many are happy to apply really doesn’t work for me. Why not put time and effort, especially if you’re there anyway, into becoming genuinely good/efficient at what you do?

Unknown said:

Autistics need certainty but because of the difference in communication we will mostly never get this.

I fear that you could be correct in this. And yet, certainty could surely benefit everyone. But perhaps, people who are not autistic, will not really ever be able to see what certainty looks like for an autistic person (perhaps too much of a generalisation here on my part, but just thinking ‘out loud’ at this point).

Unknown said:

Sorry it's a tangent to your original post but I don't need asking twice to talk about autism.

No need to apologise as far as I’m concerned. Tangents are sort of my thing too, increasingly autism is becoming a real interest for me as well. It’s been interesting listening (or rather, reading) to what you have to say.

It’s fascinating to see a take on things from a perspective that I entirely agree with, due to seeing it that way myself. I apologise if I’m overstating it, but it really doesn’t happen that often. It’s actually kind of refreshing.

Unknown said:

knot of frustration when it comes down to matter of principle.

A great description of the internal battles I face when something is ‘wrong’. E.g. someone parks in another spot, when they usually park elsewhere, even though that original spot is still free (this really sets me off, due to the lack of logic and not understanding the sudden and temporary change, when a change like that for me would be huge and take prep time).

I too see detail first. The importance of selecting the right word and a lack of vagueness, in my opinion, are the cornerstones of understanding and communication. This whole ‘fake it until you make it’ approach that so many are happy to apply really doesn’t work for me. Why not put time and effort, especially if you’re there anyway, into becoming genuinely good/efficient at what you do?

Unknown said:

Autistics need certainty but because of the difference in communication we will mostly never get this.

I fear that you could be correct in this. And yet, certainty could surely benefit everyone. But perhaps, people who are not autistic, will not really ever be able to see what certainty looks like for an autistic person (perhaps too much of a generalisation here on my part, but just thinking ‘out loud’ at this point).

Unknown said:

Sorry it's a tangent to your original post but I don't need asking twice to talk about autism.

No need to apologise as far as I’m concerned. Tangents are sort of my thing too, increasingly autism is becoming a real interest for me as well. It’s been interesting listening (or rather, reading) to what you have to say.

Unknown said:

I suppose masking is a bit like fake it till you make it but it's quite subconscious

I hadn’t really thought about this side of things. I do mask, quite subconsciously, a lot. It’s very noticeable to others when that starts to ‘slip’ when I’m spinning too many plates (to borrow a very unusual term). I think for me, the fake it till you make it side of things more applies to people not really caring enough (without meaning to be too harsh sounding) about something to actually be good at something. Loudest voice in the room and all of that. Where as masking, for me at least, is about trying to be relatable to those that actually can’t quite relate in the ways that I need them to. 

The question of ‘does it really matter?’ Is a good one. I might try and apply this idea a little in my own life. It’s good to advocate for yourself is what I’m learning. This is, of course, much easier some days vs. others. Today I would have been useless at it! Tomorrow, perhaps not.

Unknown said:

Rather than just saying for example that we can struggle with XYZ, I need to understand the why's! 

Why was always my favourite question growing up. I’m pleased to say, it still is! Why is very important to me. It goes back to the understanding and certainty side of things. I think more people should ask why to things. 

More questions = more opportunity to learn and understand. This is probably an oversimplification, but a nice idea to start a series of thoughts from!

Oakling said:

This whole ‘fake it until you make it’ approach that so many are happy to apply really doesn’t work for me.

For me theres a strong need for things to be authentic (ie right!) and so if I see through people who are faking it till they make it, I have some sort of difficulty with them in my head. They might have much less anxiety though.... (Also I suppose masking is a bit like fake it till you make it but it's quite subconscious). I feel as ive developed I'm taking people more as they are, maybe cos I'm trying to do it a bit more with myself. 

I feel, for some people, they don't need certainty too much and they are able to accept a general sense of something and be ok with that. I'm trying a bit more now to ask "does it really matter". For instance today I collected a parcel off my neighbour. In the past she wouldve wanted lots of chat and I wouldve masked but today I didn't and it was a purposeful transaction. When I came in I wondered if I should've had a bit of chat....but I didn't want to. I didn't want to and that's ok! So I've listened to my own needs and been assertive with myself which is a small chipping away.

I do feel better in understanding a bit more in depth about autism such as monotropism, inertia, and sensory things (I think a lot of it is ideas...it seems nobody really "knows" fully what autism is) but knowing a bit more from a different angle helps. Rather than just saying for example that we can struggle with XYZ, I need to understand the why's! 

It's nice to hear from someone who "gets" some of the same experience. Everyone is different and there are so many different experiences of being autistic. A lot of the time I can't relate to others on the spectrum.