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Daughter (14) may have autism

Zobags

Hello

I don't really know what I am looking for, but some help or advice or traits to look out for from you lovely ladies with autism.

My daughter has been struggling ever since her dad left the family (divorced) she was 4½, first of all it was separation anxiety and she would be awful if I left her, then it grew into very bad anxiety but she also can't cope with certain things.  She has had a lot of counselling, but her anxiety coping measures don't seem to help her at all.  She now has a new counsellor and 2 sessions in she has asked if I have ever suspected autism as she is showing traits.  (Can I just add that until she was 9 or 10 she would always ask when is Daddy coming back - he didn't keep in contact much in the first instance but now sees them every other weekend,  My daughter doesn't like his partner or 5 years and won't stay over for the weekend as she isn't comfortable there).

There are certain things she can't cope with, such as noise - this has been since she was little, but in the classroom, if the others get unruly and disruptive (including noise level elevation) she just has a meltdown and can't cope.  I have asked the school to note her anxiety and not drop a test on her because she can't cope with that she just sits there panicking and ends up crying and failing, but if it is a planned test and she has weeks to prepare and revise she excels (her predicted grades at the moment are A's and B's).  She is a very bright girl and has a love of art, but I feel that the school environment gets on top of her at times.  She has friends but if the friendship gets heavy she backs right off but she also trusts too much, she will tell her friends anything and everything and then as friends do at that age, they sometimes use it as a weapon and she gets hurt.

She can also go weeks with being okay with school and then she won't go because she is exhausted and she says she physically can't get out of bed (her iron levels have been checked).  

I have allowed this to happen as I thought it was her anxiety and depression (she has also self harmed and still does on occasions when she can't cope)

If we go out for a family meal, even though there are a few of us (all family)and she knows in advance she can sit there with her leg bouncing up and down all evening and won't eat anything, not a starter or a dessert, anything at all, and may pick at chips someone has left because she is hungry.  She will have a drink but that's if coerced.

She stims either with anxiety rings or will tap her fingers each in turn to her thumb on that hand and do this for quite some time if in a gathering or crowd.

I am trying to understand her anxiety and usually let her know in advance, ask her if she wants to come with us when I know she may feel uncomfortable in certain situations, but I feel I am failing her so much at the moment.

When her counsellor spoke to me alone and suggested it she said she had noticed traits, like stimulating with her fingers, she won't make eye contact with her when she is talking at length, she talks in the third person and with accents (either for the people she is discussing or telling a situation that involves people, or an accent for herself).  

Having looked on your site I can relate to some of the things on here so well with her.  I know people label and all sorts these day, especially when looking for answers but she fits so much into some of these categories.  The accents, I just thought she was good at, I never would have thought there was a reason as to why she talks in an accent, she spends a lot of time in her room (but all teenagers do), but her room is a mess, she will tidy it once in a blue moon when she has the energy and mindset, if I tell her off for something (she has a 10 year old brother and they argue) she will just stare at me with a blank look as if she's not registering it.  If things do get heated, she will take herself off upstairs to avoid it all, as if she can't cope.

Her counsellor is going to take me through a history of her life to see if there are things there that can be picked up for possible testing for my daughter.  She did say its usually late 20's for it to be picked up in women.

Having been diagnosed and experiences - do you have any thoughts?

Thank you in advance :-)

  • It sounds as though she may do and you should get advice, however, unless you feel she will be OK with a diagnosis there is an argument to not get the diagnosis.  If she were younger I would say differently but by the time she gets a diagnosis she will be 15, 16 or even 17 and I am not sure the diagnosis will benefit her.  To be fair most people would advise for her and I would probably agree with them to get it but think about the negatives, each case is different.

    I am now tutoring (including online tutoring) ASD pupils.  I have run ASD provisions in a similar role to a SENCO for over 20 years and home schooled my son.  [Removed by Moderator due to breaking rules 7 and 2 of the Online Community. More info here: https://community.autism.org.uk/p/rules].

  • Hi, It's definitely a good idea to look into the possibility of autism. I am only now being diagnosed and I am 25 (and female)- I wish I had known sooner- I think it would have helped a lot. 

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Thank you so much for your lengthy reply.  The information you have relayed has been very helpful :-)

    Unfortunately her dad is a law unto himself and if I say anything I am just controlling and interfering so I have left his relationship with her to him, and unfortunately he will reap the fallout if she decides its all too much and not worth bothering anymore.  I will always be here to 'pick up the pieces' as they say, and be the stability and strength she will need (she also has her Nanna and Grandad (my side) who have been role models, she dotes on her grandad, possibly the male role model she hasn't received from her Dad).

    She did enjoy drama at school (although didn't take drama as a GCSE option) but she isn't a joiner as such, so although in school it was a closed group, I am not sure she would feel comfortable putting herself in a group of people she didn't know.  That is an option I will discuss with her though.  I have looked for an art group that is local, and she seemed keen on that, so maybe if she was keen enough on her drama, she would like that.  Otherwise, she has taken French GSCE and her accent for that has pleased the teachers no end ;-)

    Your last paragraph was very useful too and possible something I can look up for further information

    I will keep the sites you referenced in mind, the first one caught my attention straight away a my daughter says she is non-binary and the main article headlining is autism and nonbinary so I will definitely be looking at that.

    Have a great weekend and thank you again

    Zoe x

  • in reply to Chloe Mod

    Thank you Chloe, it was from looking at the advice pages that it seemed more realistic that my daughter could be autistic so they have been a great help.

    Her counsellor will be the one to refer us to the specialists so hopefully they will start us on the right track to diagnosis.

    Thanks again

  • Hello ,

    You may find it useful to have a look at our autism page on our website which has a vast amount of information. The page contains information on the basics of what the autism spectrum is, how it's defined in a clinical sense, and the characteristics of autism: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism 

    If you were interested in finding out if your daughter is on the autism spectrum, you would need to have a formal diagnostic assessment. You may find it useful to have a look at the following link for further information about diagnosis and the benefits of getting one: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis 

     Furthermore, it is important the professional you see has experience of autism spectrum disorders. You can find details of diagnostic services on our Autism Services Directory in the Assessment and diagnosis section: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

    All the best,

    ChloeMod

  • It sounds like she could be autistic. 

    It also sounds like the sooner the situation with the father is sorted, the better. This can cause a great deal of trauma. My guess from her staying out of drama with peers is there could be drama with the fathers new partner. It's not uncommon for a fully grown adult female to be jealous of her partners daughter from a previous relationship. However, this never works for anyone. A responsible father who is connected with and protective of his daughter will tend to make a better mate. Everyone needs to grow up a little where this is concerned. It only benefits the new relationship for him to 'man up' - I just don't know how else to express this.

    If she's fluid with accents she might enjoy theatre training. As an autistic, it can have incredibly useful social rules. Smaller groups would be best and perhaps ones where they're not required to perform. 

    Zobags said:
    If things do get heated, she will take herself off upstairs to avoid it all

    This is a very mature response: leaving when things are heated. Often, we have to teach adults to know their limits. When everyone has calmed down, is a much better time to trouble shoot a problem. 

    I also use 3rd person for a myriad of reasons. One, is when I feel unheard or I don't feel respected as I've noticed NeuroTypical individuals tend to respect someone when someone else suggests they do. I hadn't completely understood the mentality of it when younger, but it has to do with herd mentality, which Adverts also tap into. Ads express a thing in a way suggesting everyone wants this thing, it triggers a part of the brain that is uniquely non-autistic, which is great for keeping the 'tribe' together. The advert only works for an autistic if we find it aesthetically appealing and functional - but if it seems otherwise we might not understand why anyone in their right mind would want that LOL 

    Here are some basic principles of difference:

    Autistic wiring can be driven to understand Functionality rather than Feeling. Allow room for this. See if she'd rather express how she feels with language which provides a function, here the word Feeling means Sensing: feeling unprotected, feeling like I'm invisible, feeling too much drama, feeling unfairness. 

    Autistics tend to be impacted much more severely - it's been suggested for a few reasons neurologically and psychoanalytically that we cannot dull our senses like our non-autistic peers. 

    Hyper-Focus and monotropism: This has to do with gamma waves and hyper-connectivity in the brain. Interruptions can feel incredibly cruel and too many every day can actually throw us into survival mode. Proper tools to aid with disciplined focus and we can easily enter a flow-state naturally. Note: this is also opposite non-autistic individuals who enjoy changing things up. There is a reason for this as well. Non-autistics can read each other, society is built for them, they can feel things are too mundane, but also the brain isn't making constant hyper-connexions and even if there is constant flows happening it might be sub-conscious. Due to the difference, there is a lack of relating with Autistics (Double Empathy problem), so while we tend to naturally be a bit more 'unique', it's not always desired. We can tend to feel isolated too much and would like to feel accepted or not unique. Also, with the brain being in a conscious state of 'everything is connected and blending together', we desire a bit more order externally, or: grounding. 

    We don't thrive in competition, it'll actually have the opposite effect and just zap the life out of us. Besides difficulty with sub-text in social rules, theatrics with hierarchal systems appear absurd. Now, I will say once I learned about quality leaders/mentors and their responsibilities and ideals for healthy groups with in a good system, it was helpful. I could see the need for protecting something so it can thrive. But that's not most of our systems unfortunately. 

    Here are some sites I like:

    www.yellowladybugs.com.au

    paper.li/.../1533898477

  • in reply to Dawn

    Thank you Dawn

    There wasn’t anything in her learning that would make me think that she didn’t progress as expected, she was on point as a toddler and milestones, I would say it appeared more from full time school.  She always talked to the teachers and supporting adults at length and tell them everything she was feeling about her dad leaving bless her. She didn’t do well in the playground and in junior school she distanced herself from girls because of all the drama. The teachers would say she was definitely more mature than the girls her age because she didn’t get involved with all of it. Of course now, if she is on the spectrum, it could put a whole different perspective on things.

    Thanks again and I am definitely going to talk to her counsellor about progressing this.

  • Definately sounds like but we aren't qualified to diagnose. Clearly they would need to determine whether or she has had these traits since very young child hood.

    You give examples since 4 but mostly of late. Think back to her earliest infancy; did she meet her milestones on cue? How did she learn to talk? How did she use her first language; to initiate an interaction or just to obtain something she needed? How was her early co-ordination? Was there ever a time when she mixed better with other babies or toddlers? How did she play with toys? Was there any interactive pretend play or was she mostly lining them up or arranging them? 

    A big indicator for me is that traditional counselling isn't helping. It often doesn't because our thought and emotional processes are different. Well done your new counsellor for spotting this though as she might be able to respond if this is adapted for her.

    Yes, girls are often missed because we may be inclined to shut down rather than melt down and often find compensation strategies around the social stuff and a lot of us were missed for decades. But there is more understanding of the subtler presentations now.

    All the can't get out of bed business; might be anxiety/depression or shut down or burnout or a combination.

    And you aren't failing her, you are doing your best to get her some answers and some help.

  • Anxiety is embedded in the vast majority of autistics and therapies designed for neurotypical people who experience anxiety, often do not work well for autistics. It is unfortunate that many GPs have little knowledge of autism, or their knowledge is very outdated. This is particularly true for recognising autism in women and girls. So do not accept being dismissed by any clinician in getting your daughter assessed. I am autistic myself, and we went down the road of a private assessment for my daughter, who was diagnosed at 19. For a private assessment no GP referral is needed and it is much, much faster then the NHS, though it is expensive - it seems to start around the £1K mark.

  • Hiya,

    definitely sounds like autism. write down everything she does which you believe is due to autism and then speak to your GP. it's harder for girls to get a diagnosis as we mask more and show different traits, however don't back down. 

    i relate to your daughter a lot. my anxiety has always been very extreme, especially in social situations. having a diagnosis has helped me a lot. i understand my behaviour now. school have been a lot more supportive since. 

    Alisha xx

    P.S. If you or her ever wants to chat anything through then just pop me a private message