Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else have difficulty with knowing what they look like, or how they feel? It sounds weird, but I noticed that I rely on other peoples views on what I look like a lot. I was trying to buy a foundation and an assistant helped me. In the shop I was convinced it matched like she said. I tried it on at home and it looks too dark now, but I'm not sure. I was looking at my face and I just can't tell. Without peoples opinions on things I feel like there isn't much there. I know some people use that against me to manipulate me sometimes, but it takes a while for me to realise that. When I was younger I had a different hairstyle every months as people would tell me what would look good. It took me a while, but then I realised I didn't like being treated like a doll. This is a confused ramble, but does anyone know what I mean? My sense of self is so weak, I feel like I can be convinced of anything by anyone to the point of needing their direction. \part of me knows it shouldn't be like that.
Personally, I am just the opposite. I wear what I want. Don't care how it looks to anyone else or what they think of it. I'm wearing it, not them. I hate dress codes.
That said, in no way do I want to invalidate your feeling or experience.
I think both of our responses to identity and 'look' are born of the same thing; we never quite fit in, did we? So, one response is to ask yourself how to fit in and look for that, or to say to the world; 'I'm me, don't care if I don't fit your expectation'.
I'm not saying either one is right or wrong or judging in any way, just noting that I think that's where we are oddly, both coming from the same point with a different response. Maybe in truth, the answer is in the middle somewhere; take on the view of a trusted friend if you want to look good for a party, but at other times, perhaps just wear what makes you feel physically comfortable and not mind how that looks.
Dress and 'look' is just a form of masking really, I guess. Some times we decide to compensate, adapt to the NT world to get along or to meet their need, sometimes we just want the NT world to just go away and leave us be us.