Sense of self

appearance has alot to do with fitting in with the crowds and trying to be accepted by social groups. you may want to be accepted, which is why you try to modify appearance to what others think is stylish so that they may accept you easier and you can be part of their circle rather than constantly being locked outside everyones social circle.

Personally, I am just the opposite. I wear what I want. Don't care how it looks to anyone else or what they think of it. I'm wearing it, not them. I hate dress codes.

That said, in no way do I want to invalidate your feeling or experience.

I think both of our responses to identity and 'look' are born of the same thing; we never quite fit in, did we? So, one response is to ask yourself how to fit in and look for that, or to say to the world; 'I'm me, don't care if I don't fit your expectation'.

I'm not saying either one is right or wrong or judging in any way, just noting that I think that's where we are oddly, both coming from the same point with a different response. Maybe in truth, the answer is in the middle somewhere; take on the view of a trusted friend if you want to look good for a party, but at other times, perhaps just wear what makes you feel physically comfortable and not mind how that looks.

Dress and 'look' is just a form of masking really, I guess. Some times we decide to compensate, adapt to the NT world to get along or to meet their need, sometimes we just want the NT world to just go away and leave us be us.

I can’t read people so they need to be explicit about what they think.  I have a better sense of what people think when they give me their opinions of me.  It saves me from being in suspense in their company. 

There’s an amazing book called The Artists Way. It is a good start to learning the art of discovering a sense of self. 

We often go through life experiencing being unseen/unacknowledged. There is some truth to the image of the self being recognised and discovered by an Other, thus the imperative in finding a Mentor. 

We can also go through life robbed of agency. Never taught how to assert our Self or grow into our self. Whether a parent is controlling because they enjoy it or because they feel they must be for lack of communication, this can the the outcome. 

It took me a great deal of time to learn I couldn’t identify feelings. Now in my late 40s I’m ok if I can’t work them out, but it can take time to go through all these processes. I’d recommend that book as a starting point!

anytime, it borderline personality disorder that causes it in me i think, identity disturbance i think the symptoms called, if that's useful in any way

although i think theres symptom overlap with asd, so can be hard to identify whats caused by what 

and im working out whats probable (undiagnosed as of yet), asd, and whats bpd, as i haven't long realised that quite a few things could be asd or at least having asd traits, especially when i look back into my past

but yeah, confusing when you try to think about who you are/what you like aint it?

Exactly!! it's really hard to explain. I'm also working on myself to try and find my "flavor" myself.  It's really helpful to know that someone else it too. Thank you!

i know exactly what you mean and i believe its to do with my mental health condition

i dont know like, who i am as a person unless someones mentioned something to me, and,i just get confused when trying to work myself out

and yeah, i dont know what i like either, well unless at the time, it's as if i just forget everything that isnt in the moment

im trying to work on myself and at least find what i like at the moment, even if i need to write it down to remind myself, as it just feels im auto piloting all the time

Thanks all.  It's not confidence really.  It just things like not understanding what people mean by knowing what suits them I think does that suit me? Who is me?"  I used to buy all my clothes in the wrong size until someone asked my why they were so big. I don't "know my shade" as it's like I can't see it.  I feel like tofu - I take on any flavour because I don't have one. I don't know what it means to have one as it sounds impossible. Is anyone else tofu?

Sorry, no it's me! I'm not great at processing how people mean it's a real issue for me. Sorry.

Lucky you though! I wish I'd been born without them. I mean I think it would be a lot easier not having them that way you can't lose them. 

All the best x

Oh no, i wasnt clear.  I have no self esteem or sense of self worth.  Was born without it for some weird reason

It began and comes from when my mum first got sick. She was always there for me and I think I exhausted her so I felt and still feel responsible for her getting sick. That's when it started and since then it's worse. I hate myself for a lot of things and now my mental health is suffering I get people in my ear all the time reminding me of how rubbish I am.

It's good you don't think that way about yourself. That's real positive. I can't remember last time I was like that.

All the best x

Do you know where your lack of self worth comes from?  I cant work that out.  Never had any and have no reason to think like that either

I've always found confidence comes from not giving ***. Sure we still get anxiety but the less of a *** you give about your appearance the less you care.  Ironically the less of a *** gave too the more attention I started to get from women too due to the fact that I wasn't trying or didn't come across as desperately trying to impress either and that's coming from someone who's usually introvert in reality.

I don't relate completely but I understand having little to no self worth. I understand kind of following what others say to do, but with me it's mental related like this voice says don't do your hair or eat this instead of that.

Sounds confusing for you. I hope you can work everything out for yourself.

All the best.

I can kind of relate not in make up stuff but not having a strong sense of self. I think I’ve started to understand that I need to understand the parameter and limits (rules I guess) of a situation before I can proceed comfortably. So even if someone tells me ‘this is the way’ if I don’t get it or understand why then It sill bug me and I find myself disagreeing or simply not able to see it. Maybe this is the same type of thing for you

It's not about looking good, exactly.  It's hard to explain.  

I think its kind of seeking validation in what you look like.  Maybe something to do with lack of confidence amd wanting to fit in maybe?  Im a bloke and not much help im afraid.  I barely look in the mirror to be honest, except when i cut my own hair.

When i wad younger, i was convinced everyone was staring at me and judging everything.  The truth is no one really cares.  I know its hard but, just but what you like as your choices are what makes you up.

Why I just where black dude. It all matches the colour suits me and effortless to get dressed in the morning only time I may white and navy is in the summer or white and some form blue