Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else have difficulty with knowing what they look like, or how they feel? It sounds weird, but I noticed that I rely on other peoples views on what I look like a lot. I was trying to buy a foundation and an assistant helped me. In the shop I was convinced it matched like she said. I tried it on at home and it looks too dark now, but I'm not sure. I was looking at my face and I just can't tell. Without peoples opinions on things I feel like there isn't much there. I know some people use that against me to manipulate me sometimes, but it takes a while for me to realise that. When I was younger I had a different hairstyle every months as people would tell me what would look good. It took me a while, but then I realised I didn't like being treated like a doll. This is a confused ramble, but does anyone know what I mean? My sense of self is so weak, I feel like I can be convinced of anything by anyone to the point of needing their direction. \part of me knows it shouldn't be like that.
There’s an amazing book called The Artists Way. It is a good start to learning the art of discovering a sense of self.
We often go through life experiencing being unseen/unacknowledged. There is some truth to the image of the self being recognised and discovered by an Other, thus the imperative in finding a Mentor.
We can also go through life robbed of agency. Never taught how to assert our Self or grow into our self. Whether a parent is controlling because they enjoy it or because they feel they must be for lack of communication, this can the the outcome.
It took me a great deal of time to learn I couldn’t identify feelings. Now in my late 40s I’m ok if I can’t work them out, but it can take time to go through all these processes. I’d recommend that book as a starting point!